While waiting for everyone to gather Dan and Aaron theorized that while Castara saved us from another near TPK by turning the last block of zombies, and she had been of critical importance then with a Soundburst, she always does so after the party is decimated first, thus she must do it on purpose.

Andrew: “Are we talking out of character or in character?”

Dan: “Either one.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Rob has a new computer, still no headset, which sounds much better.

What to do?

Big Jim pointed out that the Crusade is using us so they have plausible deniability. They are scared of the Keepers, so we will have to drag the Crusade into conflict with them.

We assessed the health status of the party…

Big Jim: “Spandau, you are undamaged?”
Spandau: “Well I do have a blister on the back of my foot and we have been walking through all this goo, so I am very concerned about that.”
…
Heleth: “That is why you carry around pockets full of urine.”
Spandau: “Urine is sterile my friend.”

Peeking out the grate told us we are near Upper Class Protection.

Regarding the near-death Keeper Brother…

Big Jim: “No one stab him in the knee.” (arguably the most fragile portion of anatomy)
Heleth: “Castara and I’ll take the Keeper Brother.”
Big Jim: “No, I’ll take the Keeper Brother. I don’t want him accidentally set on fire.”

We discussed keeping or leaving Jeornas’s body. Spandau was only concerned with Jeornas’ “valuable stuff”, and stated that, since he was a Druid, looting was his forte. We stripped him of anything identifying and beat his face into an unrecognizable form…for our protection.

Big Jim: “And just mutilate the face so no one will be able to recognize it.”
…
Big Jim: (About all of the fallen party memebrs) “And we are going to mutilate the faces…”
Heleth: “Does anyone have a mace?”
Big Jim: “You can use the harpoon from the party pool.”
Apical: “You can run their face along that jagged metal like a cheese grader.”
Big Jim: “Here, you use this stone axe.”
Heleth smashes their faces into the sewage.
Big Jim: “They knew what they were getting into.” (Not really)

It is obviously justifiable because we only met Gruff Loner and Agitated Citizen a few hours ago.

Louis: “As some of you hack at the heads with stone axes and beat them with steel shields trying to mutilate them against the stone walls you find…”
Big Jim: “Can we tie several of the darts together to make a jart?”
Louis: “The authorities might frown upon that.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: We never recovered the rope from Jeornas.

Big Jim: “Are we going to say anything over the bodies of our fallen companions?”
Louis: “The mutilated bodies.”
Apical: “Thanks for taking a blow for us. We hoped you died doing what you loved.”
Spandau: “You have died in the service of Spandau. There is no higher calling.”
Big Jim: “Thank you for your service. I wish we had learned your names.”

Given the status of our party (2 dead, 3 unconscious, and the mitochondria of the party at half life) we hauled ourselves back to the Honeycomb Hideout, but not before Skon, Heleth, and Spandau scouted the other end of the tunnel…

Skon: “Why don’t we have this female refugee carry a torch.”
Apical: “Call her by her name. It is Female Refugee, not this female refugee.”

Finding nothing we headed back home.

Back Home

Big Jim: “We put Ornery Ex-Cooper, Confused Foreigner, and Lazy Dunk in the kitchen.”

Heleth vehemently takes the Keeper Brother’s mask (3m).

Big Jim prepares the prisoner: strip naked, burn clothes, clean, bind wounds, tie, and gag. After Big Jim carefully inspects the Keeper Brother’s naked body he discovers a tattoo of skulls on his thighs (Death Bringer initiation), and a tattoo of chains across his chest/back (eternal servitude/binding to Acen).

Now that the prisoner is prepped we move on to other items, like speculating on the prisoner, Acen, and the truth of the world. Louis chuckles at our attempt.

Apical: “I think we need a watch… though with all these guys in the house any break-in will step on someone…”
Spandau: “Good luck with that I’m going to bed.”
Big Jim: “Just as well…”
…
Big Jim: “Here’s the thing, are we going to pick up another load of feebs?”
Apical: “Sure, for all the shenanigans it has worked out… Besides I want to see if Louis can sink any lower…”
Spandau: “Like Leper and Child with Hooks for Hands.”
Big Jim: “I have a feeling someone’s twin brother is going to show up.” (foreshadowing?)

Big Jim takes advantage of physically handing Castara the gold to get healed first.

The goodberry/food feud between Heleth and Spandau continues.

Having lived here for over a month we finally glance at the street sign. Our house is on Ogden Street (a throwback to Ogden Road in Buffalo).

While reminiscing on the Gnomes we have met…
Andrew: “There’s your next NPC. Gropping Gnome.”
Aaron: “I don’t want to see his icon.”

Shopping

Big Jim finally collects his armor from Upper Class Protection. While there we picked up the latest scuttlebutt…
Servant: “Did you hear the latest news? Another Lord (Zaran) was killed.”
Big Jim: “So what. I mean. who was it?”
Quickly passing over the news that Zaran had his face smashed in by an axe we traded some armor around.

Big Jim: “Apical you get the potion of cure light wounds. Heleth you get the potion of aid. And Spandau you get a harpoon.”
Spandau: “I don’t want that. What am I going to do with a harpoon?”
Big Jim: “You can stick it is Heleth’s back and take her potion of aid.”
Spandau: “Thats a good idea. I’ll do that.”

On to Martin’s Magical Sundries…
Martin: “These potions of aid, 450 gold each.”
Big Jim: “Piece of shit… You fucking rip-off artist! Sorry, go ahead… cock-sucker.”

Again Big Jim brings up how we screwed the Crusade out of that platinum. He seems very proud of it and brings it up every time the word “platinum” is spoken.

Martin: “I have this potion to restore you if you were cursed.”
Big Jim: “Oh fuck that!”
Apical: “From our state now being cursed is a blessing.”

We grill Martin on his shit selection… an enchanted ranseur? who the fuck made that?
Big Jim: “Do you have a Horn of Fog? You don’t have much do you?
Apical: “How about an Aparatus of Qualish bitch!”
Big Jim: “You don’t even have a decent Cape of the Mouteback.”

After some coaxing we did get something useful from Martin…
Big Jim: “Look we are not from here. So we don’t have every little piece of information. So don’t talk to us like we are fucking morons.”

… We find out that The Heretic’s Prison is just south of the stakes…
Apical: “You don’t go to the burnings? What do you do on Thursdays?”
Martin: “I sip tea the the Dreaming Harp. My servants sometimes tell me of the activities.”
Big Jim: “You make me sick… pampered jerk-off.”

The Adventurer’s Guild job crier tried to funnel us to the Minotaur quest.

Crier: “You are probably only going to find people who are unfit for military service.”
Apical: “That’s what we have now.”
Spandau: “Do you have any children with hooks for hands?”
Apical: “Anyone who has a poor outlook on life? No more sandwich workers?”
Crier: “I’ve got a line on a one-eyed guy.”
Big Jim: “How the hell do you get paid? By volume?”

Basic Outfitting

This was a highly enjoyable shopping trip which peeked behind the curtain of department store operations. I have pulled out a few highlights here, but there are too many to list in entirety so I suggest you listen to the audio (Shopping Bureaucracy (34m)).

Heleth: “Maybe you can get a deal if you sell them in bulk?”
Apical: “There are no deals at Basic Outfitters, there’s just a list.”

Heleth tries to buy some “craftsman” tools.

Big Jim was very proud of his ownership of a crowbar, and said as much repeatedly.

The tools department sells a grappling hook with no rope (available in variety of options in the rope department)…

Robert (tools department): “The rope is at the rope desk.”

Heleth tried to purchase fishing line, stating it is good to choke people with (mind you she earlier was in fear of arrest if she called them Thieves’ tools). Big Jim pointed out by applying generous amounts of wax to cat gut, to bite into the flesh Heleth could fashion her own garrote. Questioning her upper body strength to make effective use of it, he casually suggested better luck with a stiletto to the back of the head. All this while milling about the public isles.

This led to a conversation with the manager (a reoccurring theme). Dan lost it and retreated from the mic for extended euphoria.

Apical: “Who the fuck sells string (available in the rope department)!”
Big Jim: “Everyone needs string man.”

Dan: “Our heroic adventure, arguing with the manager.”
Aaron: “That is what we have to do on Thursdays now.”

Apical: “They should have a woman working in the textiles department.”
Steve (manager): “Basic Outfitters prefers to employ men.”
Apical: “Do they think women steal?”
Steven: “I can’t explain the philosophy. I’m not the owner. I’m just the manager. I only work here.”

Spandau tried to cut in line but was denied by Basic Outfitters procedure.

Using the same ply he used to see “crude short swords” as “short swords” Big Jim tries to sell the stone axe we used last session to “beat their face to be unrecognizable”, which he just called an “axe”…
Clerk: “I’ve never seen anything so blood stained.”
…
Clerk: “I don’t think Basic Outfitters can traffic in stone weaponry.”
…
Big Jim: “Just give me 2 copper asshole!”
Clerk: “Just don’t tell the manager.”
Big Jim: “Now we have something on him.”

We attempt to sell 3 medium wooden shields.

Peter (armor desk): “I’m sorry you need to go to the shield desk.”
…
George (shield desk): “How can I help you?”
Big Jim: “Go to hell George!… I’m getting real sick of this store. I’m about to go ape-shit.”
…
There is an arguement over the price of medium wooden shield. Big Jim called over the manager… another arugment ensues. Big Jim makes the clerk (George) appolgize to him.

Spandau: “Get him fired. We’ll hire him as an NPC.”

Big Jim: “All this crap’s wasting valuable seconds from my life.”
…
Louis: “BTW the payment clerk’s name is Douglas.”
Dan: “Well, I’m glad we know that.”

And what did we learn from this experience?
Dan: “The fact that we are enjoying haggling with imaginary service representatives in a roleplaying game, does that mean we have better roleplayers or are we more boring as individuals?”
Rob: “I think there one in the same.”

Heleth: “When we leave town we should burn this pace down.”
Big Jim: “I agree. I’m sick of their fucking fake kindness. I’m chaotic good.”

Jay’s Importers – A New Experience?

Spandau went looking for some dangerous animals to add to his arsenal. Failing to find any “ferocious boars” he accumulated some war dogs.

On the way Spandau took immediate advantage of Heleth’s request to permanently apply light to a coin. Being the “living conduit of Acen’s will” that he is, and with the correct allotment of piss and vinegar, and a tribute of 80 gold, it would be trivia. Obvisuouly fake, Heleth asked the others if this was right and then accused Spandau on trying to trick her. But in the end Spandau turned Heleth’s accusation that he was full of crap around and  through forceful commentary,  made her cry.

Spandau ordered a Wild Boar or “anything else vicious you find”.
Jay: “We have a nasty hunting hawk.”
Spandau: “How nasty?”

Apical: “That’s everybody’s excuse. There’s a war going on.”
Big Jim: “That dog took a shit on the floor. There’s a war going on.”

Spandau finds a near-leperish war dog…
Spandau: “He still could kick the ass of any 2 of our feebs.”

Spandau finagled a deal as the trained dog has a questionable vocabulary…
Jay: “He’ll bite your arm if you stick it out so watch out. I haven’t figured out how to get him to stop attacking so you’ll have to work on that.”

Spandau named him Rufus the Hound of Doom without checking the animal’s gender.

Rob: “I throw an Animal Friendship on him. This will secure his loyalty to me and me alone.”
Dan: “Do you announce this when you do this?”
Rob: “Yes. I do.”

There is talk of Elveree (Elf city) closing their doors to keep out the Fenelton refugees.

Spandau: “We’ve heard of a certain Minotaur cave.”
Jay: “Funny, I was just about the mention that.”
Spandau: “I thought you might. That’s what Druidic wisdom gets you my friend.”

Jay offers us 90 gp per Minotaur head and a reward for recovering some bracelet the Minotaur’s stole. We considered cutting the heads off some bulls, cramming in some dog fangs, and passing them off as Minotaur heads, but declined due the ”substantial difference in the brain case” (according to Spandau), between the two species. However Spandau did share with us their nocturnal nature. In the end we decided to fuck off the Minotaur quest, in large part to Big Jim and Apical anxiousness to finally go East.

Spandau: “You can’t just behead a cow.”
Big Jim: “It seems perfectly plausible to me.”

Over 3 hours into the session now and Louis begins his funneling as we have not even spoken to the Keeper Brother.

Rob: “I need a 5 minute break.”
Dan: “What for?!”
Louis: “I don’t want the details.”

A Proper Interrogation

We give the prisoner a goodberry to cover ourselves in case we are over exuberant in our questioning.

Big Jim drags the Keeper Brother’s tied, naked ass to the middle of the living room floor…

Big Jim: “… so his penis is exposed… I take my dagger and I start flicking his penis with it.” (EDITOR’S NOTE: Dan seemed quite anxious to get to this…)

We disaover that his name is Ralthar. He states that he worships Acen, Lord of Death (a new group called the Death Bringers) and kills Keepers, because they lie about the Death Bringers. The Keepers deny the existence of the Death Bringers. The Death Bringers want the populace to fear Acen. Acen wants your fear and service after death.

Ralthar is from the SE. He was planning a raid on the Nobles to discredit the Crusade, who worship a false Acen (Light Bringers).

EDITOR’S NOTE: Louis’s eating a taco enhanced his groaning as the NPC prisoner.

Big Jim: “Where in the East are you from?”
Ralthar: “From the South East.”
Big Jim: “What city asshole?!”
Ralthar: “ahhhhhhh”
Big Jim: “Ah ha, you don’t know do you?!”

Big Jim holds Ralthar in the doorway with his penis facing the tiger…
Big Jim: “This guy’s going to start chomping on your ands.”

None of the usual tatics work, becuase his faith advocates dying in order to furhter serve Acen. He constantly is asking us to kill him nad then tries to choke himself on his own tongue.

Big Jim: “How do you interrogate someone like this? Keep him alive?”

 The party speculates on brainwashing him, as it doesn’t seem that hard to do.
Heleth: “I’ll get the low protein gruel.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Louis performed an excellent impression of a man choking on his own tongue (several times). He sounded like he damn near choked himself to do it. That is gritty realism.

Ralthar was supposed to be protected from the Thieves’ Guild… by the Keepers? Maybe. The party keeps getting seemingly conflicting information.

Big Jim: “You know what we need is an inter-faith meeting.”

Heleth (to Ralthar): “Who sent you here?”
Apical: “We want to speak to your manager.”

Ralthar claims there is an “impregnable” stronghold in the NE desert, and the closer you travel to the Eye, the strong the magic. His supervisor (can you tell I am caught up in the retail space) is Maldrak, from east of Ellestrin.

Ralthar: “Acen will punish…”
Big Jim: “Somehow I’m not too worried about it.”
…
Heleth (on ideas for torture, but not death): “You can live without your testicles.”

Ralthar: “Kiiiilllll meee.”

Big Jim/Apical: “We’re gonna kill ya buddy, but you’ve got to meet us half way.”

Heleth: “Tell us the game plot.”
Big Jim: “Yeah, automatically update it in our journal.”
Louis: “Good luck with that.”

Aaron: “I do not look forward to re-listening to this.” EDITOR’S NOTE: It was not pleasant to re-hear Louis’s gagging impression.

Big Jim: “I’m starting to think you don’t want to die.”
Ralthar: “Just kill me.”
Big Jim: “Not till you tell us what we want to know dicknose.”

Enough is enough…
Big Jim: “Louis, I stab him in the knee.”

We discuss the ensueing plot so far, with the Keepers, Crusade, Thieves Guild, and the factions in the East. Plus the attempt to destroy the city.

Big Jim: “Quite frankly I don’t care if we save the city.”

Heleth/Big Jim argue about explaining this to the Crusade…
Heleth: “I want a reward for all this hard work….”
Ralthar: “Eternal reward awaits death…”
Big Jim: “Shut up! I punch him in the face.”

Big Jim: “The only thing to do now would be to torture him for days and then the information is usually pretty bad.”

Out of use, we throw Ralthar in the tiger’s room. He is immediately devoured.

Louis: “I enjoyed that tremendously.”

We coerced Jeorge into burying the half-corpse in the half-latrine for 2 gp…
Big Jim: “We have to bribe him to do his basic job.”

Another Batch of Feebs

Heleth positions herself to be the first in the healing line the next day…
Louis: “You definitely woke up before Big Jim who drank himself into a stupor.”

On to the Adventure’s Guild to meet the newest batch of recruits…

Delirious Warrior…
Louis: He seems to be slightly disconnected from reality. He is moving his head around in funny ways. His head has a sideways tick.”
Delirious Warrior: “I was fighting for the Crusade and damn if a Gnoll didn’t hit me on the head.”

Aaron: “I want to see this guys icon, so we have to hire him.”
Louis: “His icon can’t show his tick.”
Aaron: “You can use an animated gif.”

We escort him outside to show us some moves… Which he does by swing his sword wildly around.
Delirious Warrior: “I’m imagining an Orc… There goes his face… Yahhh… Look out…”

One-Eyed Thief, a hooded man with a glass eye…
Big Jim: “Show us your face right now!”

One-Eyed Thief: “You going out of the city?”
Apical: “We might be.”
One-Eyed Thief: “I’m up for that.”

Evaluation…
Big Jim: “Go ahead. Stab an imaginary Orc.” (already the standard evaluation test)

Hunched Man… “I work the battle fields.”
Big Jim: “You loot corpses, That’s what you do, isn’t it.”

Hunched Man; “Yes.”

Big Jim: “Hired.”

The last recruit did not want to enter the Noble District, having lost his flail and deserted the Crusade…

Fallen Hero: “I can use a bow.”
Big Jim: “We don’t have any of those but we have this bag of rocks.”
…
Fallen Hero: “5 gold a day.”
Spandau: “5 gold a day is pretty steep.”
Big Jim: “He must have an actual class.”
…
Big Jim: “You’re hired. Show us your face.”
Louis: “He looks very skilled, especially with knife.”

Louis: “You know that he is a deserter.”
Big Jim: “Who cares.”

The Official Story

We tell Captain Ensilatas of our plan to travel south and find a way across the mountains, and then back up north on the other side. Then the negotiation for pre-payment started…

Big Jim: “This is highly trained fighting force here… you’re hiring the best…”
Apical: “These guys don’t just work for moldy sandwiches.”

Captain Ensilatas: “You could run off with the cash.”
Big Jim: “We have never done that before. We could have done that anytime before.”
Captain Ensilatas: “I grant you that.”
Spandau: “We’re waiting til we get a really big score to do that.”

A down payment of 1200 gp, 8 potions of cure light wounds, 12 disguise potions, and 1 potion of gaseous form is worked out.

Captain Ensilatas expects us back with a report in less than 12 weeks. If we return with useful information and the motivations behind the attacks, as well as info to defend ourselves, then a minimum 2500 gp will be due us. Anything more than that will get us more.

As we left we fell into the usual discussion on the state of the game and our character’s opinions of it.
Louis: “Some things have improved for you.”
Apical: “Like what?”
Louis: “You have a house now,  instead of sleeping in the gutter.”

Aaron: “He’s (Louis) is still surprised by our disillusionment.”

Big Jim: “If every place turns out to be a complete shit hole we’ll go up there (the Eye) and see what’s going on.”

The party has  a disucssion with Gomwell and his view of the Self-Actualized (Screw over anyone in your way, becuase that’s what Acen wants).

Spandau: “He admits he’s evil! Let’s kill him!”
Big Jim: “Yeah, because that’ll be good.”
Apical: “Let me hesitate first.”

A Final Hurrah

Big Jim: “Are we going to have one last party?” (10m)
Spandau: “We have to fuck with the Gafiltas. Finally run them out of the neighborhood and then leave.”
…
Spandau: “I round up about 10 whores.”
Louis: “What quality?”
Spandau: “I dunno. Low.”
…
Apical: “He won’t pay for anything, but he’ll gladly pay for low quality whores.”
…
Spandau(on the Gafilta’s house) : “I shape a giant wooden penis on their porch.”
…
Delirious Warrior gets out of control and yells at the whores.
…
Big Jim: “Where did you get these whores?”
Spandau: “I dunno. Around.”
Louis: “They’re just a pack of skanks.” EDITOR’S NOTE: I had to actually check how to properly spell skanks.

The party rages on. Castara took off early, as Big Jim drukenly hit on her during the last one. Ornery Ex-Cooper drunkly punches a whore in the face, becuase she was “Looking at him funny.” Fallen Hero stay out of the festivites. Spandau has a skank five-way in his heart shaped bed, and deliberly leaves his door open, so everyone is forced to watch. Hunchback Man (Ex-Scavenger) nails a porsititute on Gomwell’s bed. Delierious Warrior gets even more out of hand and passes out on the lawn. Big Jim drunkenly passes out in the Gafilta’s outhouse. Heleth breaks into the Gafilta’s home and leaves money under the bed.Lazy Drunk becomes extremely drunk and yacks up on the street. Confused Foriegner gets drunk and passes out. Skon has a few drinks and then goes to bed. Gomwell stays out of the festivites and paces around looking tense… maybe suspiciously tense?  

The Next Chapter

Gomwell (lacking weapons or spells): “Are you gonna give me something? What if I’m set upon by wolves?”
Big Jim: “Alright. Here is 10 darts.”

Gomwell’s enthusiasm has dulled in his house arrest. He may stick with us until Olestrin.

We discover someone left a dump in the foyer…
Spandau: “I left a few Sengazia Steamers on the whores last night.”

A New Life Awaits

17 “men” enter Gomwell’s secret tunnel to the East… How many to return?

Apical: “I’m mounting the feeling of satisfaction.”

As we enter a new world, we find it difficult to leave the trappings of the old world as we enter a remarkably narrow passageway.

Apical: “You better break out a pole so you don’t fall into a pit.” (wait for it)

Big Jim: “Move the damn donkey to the back of the line.”
Apical: “We have learned nothing from all our adventures in tunnels.”

A short way into the tunnel we encounter a few Hobgoblin Sentries and attempt to negoiate with them, as Gomwell vouches for us.Everything seems to be going smoothly then …

Sentry: How many people are with you?”
Big Jim: “16″
…
Big Jim: “We’ve got a tiger with us. That’s not going to be a problem is it, Hobgoblin?”

After a few questions theyseemingly buy our story and let us pass… Then Big Jim falls into a pit… roll initiative.

Wrap Up

Dan observed that Andrew earned 2100 xp for buying rope and complaining to the manager.

There were many strong contenders for this sessions title…

* You Can’t just Cut the Head Off a Cow

* Just Give Me 2 Copper Asshole
* Let Me Talk to Your Manager
* A Different Brain Case
* Entering the Asshole of the World

We escaped this session without any physical engagements.

Preamble

We started with some Skype issues, but our collective mental energy reinforced the network, preventing any further disruptions during play.

Rob: “Despite being true neutral I’ve been one of the most consistently good PCs in this campaign… because I hesitate to wantonly murder.”
…
Louis: “Big Jim considers himself Chaotic Good. That’s what’s important.”

Discussing the decrescendo of available help…
Louis: “What did you expect?”
Aaron: “I started expecting very little, and I was disappointed.”

Interrogation

We grilled Gomwell on the East:

• he knew of the secret passage in case needed another way back
• working as mercenary to guard cave in the Karan Pass
• hiring in Olestrin (the Olestrin military)
• Dark Lord Miscara united the city of Olestrin
• collection of shorter than Human Knights
• Olestrin is Human city allied with Orcish city of Cargonne
• Dark Lord patrols keep road near Olestrin safe
• Lethara is Orcish city
• a merchant pass is needed (from Cargonne) to pass between Olestrin and Cargonne
• can hire Wiard, but need to pay tax to Dark Lord
• passage is 9-10 miles under ground – Gomwell has never been through it
• Grunton is a Gnoll city
• Dark Lord is a practitioner of the Self Actualized
• Orcs follow the Marshal Way
• has heard rumors of the Undead but never knew anything about it
• more rumors of tunnels under the Keepers temples in Olestrin
• Keepers may have power base North of Olestrin

Dan: “There are no woodland settings, there is only loose, scattered rock.”

Spandau: “I would never visit a bawdy house of ill repute. I don’t like you casting aspersions on my character in such a fashion.”

Gomwell: “In Olestrin we only burn the worst of the worst.”
Apical: “Over here the worst of the worst are in charge of the burnings.”
Heleth: “Who are the worst of the worst? Rapists?
Gomwell: “Traitors”
Spandau: “No, those guys are OK. Most chicks are asking for it anyway.”

Discussing the Marshall Way…
Gomwell: “Over there you can ask them about the finer points about their religion.”
Big Jim: “I think we can miss it.”

Gomwell told us of a road between Olestrin and Cargonne but smarmyily told us he could not draw it, he is not a cartographer.

Gomwell: “I don’t go around killing the Weak. There’s no profit in that… I only kill people that get in my way.”

Gomwell: “We all kind of take care of the Weak. What do you mean ‘take care of’.”

Aaron: “This campaign’s a piece of shit.”

The standard religious banter…
Louis: “No one knows what happens when you die, but it is believed Acen rewards them.”
Apical: “I was taught that those that do not make Acen happy are sent to the world underneath ours to hold it up for eternity.”

We have never heard of summoning Demons, Elementals, etc.

The “official” plan is to skirt around the mountains to the South (traveling with a caravan) until we find a passage through, then head to the North to investigate the Dark Lord; heading to the city to the North (instead of the Orcish city), but we will really sneak through the secret passage.

Kicking Back

Try to capture one of the Keepers and torture him for information.

Again, Castara doesn’t feel like going into her background.

Big Jim gets a keg of beer/food and we have a healing party, getting drunk and receiving healing. Spandau uses Plant Growth to fuck around with the Henresey lot. We throw all trash into the Gafilta yard. Big Jim requires all vomiting on the Gafilta home yard. Apical tried to force the feebs to practice to practice with their lt. crossbow before partaking of the beer, but they are all dead. Big Jim gets drunk and hits on Castara.

We tried to keep Lazy Drunk from the beer, but he REALLY NEEDED it.

The party was just like Comstock…

Apical: “You know Blue is still available out back.”
Spandau: “I wonder if I could friendship that animal.”

Spandau hassled Gruff Loner for his mustache.

Spandau: “Earn your mustache. You have to earn it. You can’t just have one.”
…
Gruff Loner: “You should put on a mask. It would help us all out.”

Dan: “I vomit on the Gafilta lawn and then pass out on my bed.”
Rob: “I take a crap on their lawn.”
…
Louis: “Nice”

Amazingly no drunks discovered the Tiger in the dining room.

The healing being insufficient we hang out another day to heal. Big Jim attacks the remaining keg. Big Jim considers charging the feebs for wear and tear on the equipment we gave them. Spandau creates an overgrown thicket so that only he may pass. Big Jim gets drunk on the porch like a redneck, staring at the Gafilta home.

Dan: “We must be impressing these newcomers a lot.”

Dan: “Man cannot survive on beer alone.”
Rob: “But he can try. He needs nachos too.”

Spandau: “Yeah, Druid power for the win… I don’t work with picks… My druid grove… Spandau Forest… Where nature can run wild and free under the protection of a might Druid.”
Apical: “Except that he is hardly ever there.”
Big Jim: “Except when he is not sleeping in his down filled bed.”
…
Louis: “100 ft is way larger than the Henresey lot. Do you care?”
Spandau: “Not particularly… The neighbors lawn maintenance has little impact on the powers of a Druid. I recognize no artificial boundary for I am a force of nature itself… BEHOLD THE POWER OF SPANDAU and nature… It is a mighty forest from which I can draw power.”

Rob: “Sorry I am making work for you.”
Louis: “No you’re not.”

Book Cover

Will (the former wagon-maker) comes by.

Dan: “Jez, I didn’t realize he was such a dick… Look at his face. Don’t you just want to punch him?”

Will told us about a meeting of people discussing that Acen would not want all this suffering. Some people were from Richell (hick town). The people further West are not oppressed, and even have a say in their government. Outrageous!

Will: “Nobody talked about burnings.”
Big Jim: “Then what do they do on Thursdays?”

How can there be heresy when no one knows what Acen really wants? Who is judging the heresy?

We should take to Zarin at the Horse’s Head Inn.

Speaking of the Horse’s Head Inn…
Big Jim: “I slept in plenty of barns. It wasn’t that bad.”

Spandau: “What!? I’m perfectly discrete. I’m an operative… I know when to keep my mouth shut.”

Will is heading to Enkara on the next caravan, maybe we will do that or tell the Crusade that is what we will do.

Big Jim: “Your a good NPC.”
Spandau: “Despite your dick-ish token.”
Apical: “He looks like and a-hole… like a cocky jerk.”
…
Big Jim: “His smirking token.”
Apical: “This is a gritty world, you have to take things at face value. You have to judge a book by it’s cover, and more than likely you have to burn that book. These are the lessons of life.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: The token aspect of LIB is a tremendous addition to the experience. It promotes Dan’s long-existing philosophy of instantly formulating a deep opinion of a person solely on their most obvious physical trait. Not to mention our reaction to the tokens gives Louis mountains of joy.

Scuttlebutt

While waiting around until evening to head to the Horse’s Head Inn we hear of a burning attack in the Eastern Merchant District. The Fences-R-Us store was demolished. We casually investigated the crime scene for looting possibilities.

Big Jim: “We first put on our masks. We’re not just heroes. We’re superheroes.”

Approximately 80 people died. The raiding party was of indeterminate size, the word on the street was random.

We surveyed the street for word about the chaos at the public burning…

Louis: “Who do you want to talk to?”
Aaron: “Someone with both their ears. That should eliminate at least a few people.”

Spandau: “Perhaps the power of Acen spontaneously combusted this individual. We know not what horrors and darkness lurk in that individuals heart.”

Telling us of the over-eager guy who jumped on stage…
Page Boy: “I hear he was 8 foot tall!… There was even a guy who was torn apart by wild dogs… There are no more public burning until further notice.”
Apical (stealing Big Jim’s line): “Then what are we going to do on Thursdays?”

Contemplating alternatives to the Burnings, we talk of throwing Heretics in a well… until they overflow… what about just a hole?

Page Boy: “Without public Burnings then how will people know right from wrong?”

We may have alternative burnings, run from the empty lot. We can charge for the burnings…
Spandau: “That’s a great idea. Let’s go get ourselves some Heretics.”
Apical: “We’ll run OUR burnings the right way. We will only burn people WE don’t like.”

Horse’s Head Inn

Suddenly Skon is more trustworthy, by the reasoning (via Big Jim): “He has been around a while.”

The new password is grapefruit.

Skon reminded us how how Jernix does not like liver, perhaps he was in a secret cult?

Spandau: “Grapefruits are great! Grapefruits combine all the positive aspects of oranges and lemons.”
Skon (Louis): “There are no a lot of positive aspects of either of those things.”
…
Apical: “Ever since he (Jernix) left I am starting to not like him. Maybe it’s because we have someone else to heal us.”

Reminiscing on Big Jim’s days in the basement, throwing darts in the dark, and kind of starting a riot (which is back shadowing to the recent burning)…
Louis: “You’re chaotic good so it’s to be expected.”
Big Jim: “Yeah. I’m alright. I help with shit.”

The house wine sucks.

We heckled and spoke to the same bard, Encarna, to not avail.

Spandau casually questions the bartender…
Spandau: “There are my friends Apical the tall, that’s ironic. And Big Jim the easily moved to anger.”
Big Jim: “Shut up!”

Discrete Conversations

We engaged in a calm, rational discussion concerning public burnings. EDITOR’S NOTE: I tried several times to record this encounter in writing, but it was just too much, so I present you with an extended audio clip. I know it is long (38m), but it is worth the listen.

EDITOR’S NOTE: I have noticed Big Jim will conveniently agree with Spandau when he is agreeing with him, else he is vehemently opposed to whatever comes out of his mouth.

Encarta is a non-traveliing, suck-ass Bard, who is the apparent gatekeeper to Zarin.

Spandau thinks his concentration in CHA is all he needs to play a set. Even with his 12 CHA.

Big Jim: “The burnings are topical.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Apparently The Burnings is the ancestor to Thursday in the Square.

The Keepers are fucking Scientoligists!

Skon proposed that one of us expunge some radical views to flush out a Keeper sympathizer. Big Jim tries to coax Heleth into doing this, but she refuses.

Continuing our discrete investigations the party cause chaos. Big Jim is more than happy to turn up the intensity. Big Jim throws a chair. The rest of the party leaves. Big Jim drinks someone’s beer. He sees 2 people sticking chair legs into the fire pit. Big Jim leaves.

Louis: “Boy, discretion is not your better characteristic. Neither is patience.”
Dan: “We were getting the run around. This is not how Big Jim handles things.”

The party stands outside bating the patrons, but no one accepts the invitation.

Spandau: “Well, that was fruitless.”

Spandau walks home (singing loudly about the Keepers), with the rest of the party following in secret, but no one jumped Spandau.

The Merchant Watch arrives to investigate, gets berated by the innkeeper for taking so long to respond, and leaves.

In retrospect it was a poorly conceived and implemented plan.

Follow the Path

Spandau: “I speak with the plants (that he just created with Plant Growth) to see what they have to say.”
Louis: “Nothing of interests having just been born recently.”

Apical hangs back and wanders off towards the Keeper’s lair, but is turned back at the gate to the Noble Quarter, being it is after Eye Close. Apical wanders back through Spandau Forest, stopping to take a shit.

Almost home Apical sees a house that has recently been broken into. A teenager runs out and tells Apical about the raiders. Seizing the moment he runs over to the Honeycomb Hideout and the gang runs west out of the city…

Apical (bursting in): “Someone raided a house two blocks away! Let’s go!”
Spandau: “This sounds like a trap. Let’s stay here and discuss what kind of fruits we like.”
…
Heleth: “I like strawberries. Don’t hit me.”

As we move towards the west we see less and less people. At some point they appear to have gotten on horses. We continue forward and lose the trail.

Spandau uses Speak with Plants (still active from his fucking around in Spandau Forest) and was able to find the raiders NW.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Again, Spandau falls ass-backward into usefulness.

The trail continues and then doubles back, they went W then N then E, heading back towards the Noble District (where the Keeper’s lair is) or the main north road.

Louis: “Let’s recap. You don’t really have any tracking skill, and you are in the dark.” (i.e. you are bumbling around in the dark)

Now having lost the trail, we discuss our next course of action…
Big Jim: “My gut tells me to head into the Noble District. If we don’t do that, then we go home and have a sandwich.”
EDITOR’S NOTE: Confused Foreigner has set a trend.

Spandau: “If anyone knows the difference between day and night it’s chlorophyll filled plants.
Heleth: *blah, blah, question?*8
Big Jim: “This is not the time to discuss botany.”
Spandau: “There is always time to discuss botany.”
Big Jim: “Alright, obviously we are going to go home and have a sdandwich…”

Apical: “I am all for heading towards the Noble District. It is always locked up, so if we head the way they came, we might find the back end of a secret entrance.”

We decide to head in the last known direction and hope to find a tunnel entrance, guessing that the Keepers have a tunnel out of the city.

Heleth: “Wow, you’re very smart.”
Apical: “Acen blesses those who are Self-Reliant with high intellicent and charm.”
Big Jim: “If not modesty.”

As we continue we see a light coming out of a hole. Skon and Heleth scout it out… under a bush there is a hole that leads into a tunnel.

Apical: “Apical the 8 foot tal hero does it again.”
…
Apical(strealing a line form Spandau): “Yeah, I’ll go into a tight hole.”

Reporting back Apical and Heleth enter the tunnel and the rest move up to the tunnel entrance.

Louis: “Explain to me how you are going into the tunnel.”
Dan: “This is where Louis is gearing up to screw us.”

Heleth: “Jim, please keep Spandau quiet. He’s very noisy.”
Big Jim: “Spandau be quiet.”
Spandau: “I move like a ghost outside.”

Once again into the crevasse. We should open a traiing seminar at the Adventurer’s Guild on operating in the dark – “The don’t's of Cave Exploration”

Spandau: “The power of nature compells your skin to harden.”
Heleth: “Do you have another one of those?”
Spandau (immediately): “I do not.”
Apical: “He wasn’t even being a jerk, but it sounds like it.”

Spandau cast light on a coin, but the rest of the party was wise to his game, thus he failed to scam a coin.

As we move down the tunnel we see a candle ahead, until it disappears. The tunnel seems freshly constructed.

While waiting, Big Jim, Spandau and Lazy Drunk break out the wineskin… to take the edge off…

Aaron: “So much for our sobriety program”
Rob: “We have determined he has not hit rock bottom. This is all part of the process.”

Time Check: 4 hours in (important for Louis’s measuring of our”screwing around”)

Apical: “I move up and poke it with my stilt.”

The tunnel ended, but we quickly uncovered a door.

Big Jim: “OK boys, time to reclaim our dignity. Into the sewers.”

We ran into some Hooded Figures and Keeper Brother that were quickly dispatched.

Keeper Brother failed to Hold Person Big Jim, later he commanded Big Jim to “kneel” in the filthy sewer…
Louis (to Big Jim): “Is charisma a primary?”
PCs: *snickering*

Spandau: “I could do something this round, but I complain about the smell.”

Disgusted by the feces on his boots, Spandau skuttles to the side of the tunnel where it is shallower, but then summons a swarm of rats.

The tiger walks up and chews on Hooded Figure…
Spandau: “Don’t play with that.”
Big Jim: “You don’t know where that Hooded Figure has been.”

Undead Swarm

Heleth screams as a horde of 30 Zombies shuffle around the corner.

Spandau: “Who the hell is up there screaming like a woman? Ugh, look at my shoes… Who cares about Undead, I’ve got filth on my boots.”
Big Jim: “Now let’s not run away and lock everyone else in the sewer.”

Aaron: “Just like a Castle Keeper to screw you on the minutia.”

Aaron: “Apparently screwing a round and roleplaying our characters in a roleplaying game is screwing around to Louis.”
Louis: “Absolutely”
Aaron: “He does not appreciate our tomfoolery.”

In between crushing zombies we reminisced upon how “a hasted illusion is just as believable” is probably Aaron’s greatest contribution to the world.

After his previous complaint of how instead of fast-forwarding through the last few days we forced Louis to throw together an encounter on the fly, Dan pointed out how difficult it must have been for Louis to throw together 30 Zombies.

Castara fails to turn Undead.

Andrew: “With all the people dead at our hands, do we recognize any of these Zombies?”

Big Jim: “If you assholes would get up here!”
Apical: “I am up here.”
Big Jim: “Oh, I meant you other assholes.”

Agitated Citizen is downed after a critical hit from Zombie 8.
We never bother to bandage or even drag him into a smaller puddle of filth, hence death – becoming part of the filth…
Louis: “He’ll die next round of not attended.”
Dan: “He’ll die.”

Rob: “What I wouldn’t give for a well-placed fireball. I should have played a Wizard.”
Dan: “We’ve had plenty of miscalculations with fireball.”

Heleth: “Do you think that guy (Keeper Brother) went to get reinforcements? Set a trap?”
Spandau: “30 zombies is a trap.”

Gruff Loner drops, much to the chagrin of Spandau’s Mustache Gestapo.

HOUSE RULE: You can critical an Undead.

Keeper Brother returned from around the corner and hit the party with a Soundburst.

Aaron: “Soundburst in this game, at our level, is like a fireball.”

Gruff Loner is finished off by the Soundburst.

Apical: “You can train Geornas against Soundburst. Each day ou can sneak up behind him and scream in his ear.”

Confused Foreigner falls unconscious…
Rob: “Oh no, there goes out plot critical NPC.”
Dan: “Who cares.”

Apical spies an opening in the Zombie wall, and leaps over the line, heading right towards Keeper Brother. Apical repeatedly misses and merely occupies Keeper Brother’s actions and draws off a a few Zombies from the main force.

Louis: “Zombie 21 steps over and attacks Geornas.”
Andrew (so happy): “YES!”
*laughter*
Andrew: “Any benefit to Spandau is like oil on a fire.”

Spandau: “I was busy speaking with plants to get us here in the first place.”
Heleth: “Yeah, thanks for that.”

Zombie 13 moves over and attacks Geornas…Geornas dies.

Spandau: “So much for my slavish minion.”
Big Jim: “He was a worthless asshole anyway… we are going to change the recruitment page to death rate is less than 50%.”

Apical is still stunned that the entire campaign to this point has only takes a few in-game weeks.

Zombie 25 hit Ornery Ex-Cooper… unconscious.

Lazy Drunk is knocked unconscious by a zombie.

Heleth: “I can’t believe Spandau hasn’t fled left.”
Spandau: “Eh, I’ve still got guys in front of me… I’ve just got to stab Skon in the leg and I’ll be OK.”

Castara succeeds at turning the newer Zombies. They form a fleeing pack.

Aaron: “Now that the zombies have moved we can see all our dead guys.”

Heleth: “You don’t seem broken up about your lackey dying?”
Spandau: “I’m not. Who gets broken up by boot licking lackeys. Their only purpose is to die at my command.”

In a crossing of 2 miracles, Spandau taking the position that the battle has turned our way, thus no longer fearing for his life, and having a spare goodberry, he pops a goodberry in Ornery Ex-Cooper’s mouth, keeping him trapped in this shit world…
Spandau: “I’m a hero.”

Keeper Brother flees.

Louis: “Just enough to exactly destroy him.”
Big Jim: “Excellent. I love perfectly precise damage.”

Louis eschews our attempt to give him kudos for the map.

Skon makes a great shot to take down Keeper Brother. Heleth runs over to stabilize Keeper Brother just in time.

We handle the remaining, fleeing zombies.

Spandau: “I move forward and complain about shit in my shoes.”

The tunnel ends with a grate above us. We are covered in sewage, and are somewhere under the Noble District.

Editor’s Notes

• Upon reviewing the audio I picked up Rob’s impression of that guy from Indiana Jones.
• It seems Louis felt it would have been a greater deterrent that the tunnel is only 5×5 feet. We appeased him with 30 seconds on RP complaining.
• This group is the most developed, character-for-character we have ever had. Each has a distinct personality, and all but Spandau has a reasonable background. At some point we may have to provide more detailed remarks on each character.
• We are clearly the greatest in the world at roleplaying moving around in a cramped tunnel.
• I thought we were low when we voluntarily laid in a ditch at the start of the campaign, but that was not low enough for the Castle Keeper, so we lowered ourselves to the sewers.
• I postulate that if the tiger is trained enough to moved down a very small tunnel, then he should know more commands. Against my better judgement; well done Spandau.
• While we did not come close to a TPK, we did have a dramatic chase to capture the antagonist.

Pre-Game Chatter

This session opened with an extended session of pre-game chatter as we waited for Andrew to finish his dinner.

We contemplated Rob’s greatest weakness:

• Kryptonite
• He plays a hell of a Druid.
• Will screw the party first chance he gets.
• Runs away from combat.
• Too eager to please.
• He could improve his presentation skills.
• Has bouts of clumsiness from time to time.
• Inability to hit the toilet.
• Always eats the last cookie.

We revisited stdmatch.net to see how the singles/diseases are categorized. Rob petitioned that they should not allow those with the curable diseases to join.

Later we explored the plight of shame.

Dan’s audio has taken a hit, and his lack of faith in the longevity of LIB has prevented him from purchasing a new headset.

Almost an hour in, it was time to play.

Residue

EDITOR’S NOTE: We have often talked of campaign’s where magic and/or money is low/rare. This campaign has surpassed our dream level, which I suspect, is a key to it’s grittiness.

We started in the same cave collecting loot from the Bugbear and Ogre corpses, and with most of the party in bad shape….

Andrew postulated that Confused Foreigner is Acen…

Rob: “Let’s all start worshipping him… On the off chance that he is Acen, I club him from behind so I can become God.”

Taking inventory of the loot unveiled a number of stone axes, which would serve as Chekhov’s gun.

In battered shape, and in fear of other enemies in the cave, we camped out 1/4 mile away in a defensble position, and Heleth hid near the cave entrance so as to watch for  activity.

Rob attemtped to gain the trust of the wounded Worg  he gain in the cave. Spandau determined that the Worg (being an animal with a higer than “animal” level intelligence, and thus sees through Spandau’s bullshit), was only pretending to listen to Spandau, and pronbably would run away or attack when it had a chance. A smart move given he had 1 HP. Spandau told it to get lost.

Lazy Drunk has been sobered by the experience and high body count. Such is how the program works. Being a former city guard Aaron, Andrew, and Rob held out hopes that he would be a diamond in the rough. A competent adventurer…

Dan (killjoy) : “He’s going to turn out like all the rest.”

Still in bad shape we send a scout party with a questionable roster (Heleth, Spandau, and Geornas) back into the cave.

Aaron: “I don’t want to send Heleth and Spandau. Heleth is OK, but Spandau…”
Rob: “How dare you impugn my character.”
Aaron: “Yeah, I have no historical evidence otherwise.”

The A Team

Dan:  ”You guys handle this intrepid adventure.”

They return to the cave. Heleth sneaks ahead of Spandau, to scout quietly. In the meantime Spandau returns to the supiciously placed treasure chest, at the end of a dead-end hallway. He  tries to grab the loot  from the obviously trapped chest and falls into a pit. He screams like a woman and then orders Geornas to pull him out of the pit.

Spandau: “Throw a rope down.”
Geornas: “I don’t have a rope. Maybe you can hold on t this war hammer.”
Spandau: “I’m not going to hold on to your war hammer.”

The two sturggle for awhile, and Spandau throws up his rope for Geornas to use. Once out of the pit he shuffles around the  edge to get to the chest. He uses Geornas as a chest poker. Spandau uses his magnificent magical abilities to shape a new door on the side of the chest… empty. In frustration he smashes the chest.

Heleth proceeds to sneak cautiously sneak ahead.

Spandau: “So Geornas. that Heleth chick, I think you could hit that. I think you should give it a shot next time you see her.”
Geornas: “There seems to be something wrong with her.”
Spandau: “Yeah, well, there seems to be something wrong with most chicks.”
Geornas: “She’s a little off.”
Spandau: “Yeah, well that’s a fact. She’s a fucking bitch. That’s what off… Let’s go see if she’s gotten herself killed. I think she went this way… If she did she has some shit on her I’d like to loot.”

In the dark, Heleth quietly, cautiously slides a wooden shield along the ground in front of her to discover traps. Meanwhile Spandau trails behind making echos.

They hear a faint cry… “Water!”

Intra-session, Louis rewards us XP from last session. Heleth makes it to 5th level.

A door… Heleth picks the lock…

Spandau: “What the hell is the hold up? Just open the damn door.”
Heleth: “Fine, you open the door then.”
Spandau: “Oh for god’s sake. Geornas? Open this door will ya?”
Geornas: “Why should i do it?”
Spandau: “It’s a test of bravery all Druids must pass.”
Heleth: “Just warp the wood.”
Spandau: “First of all, the door is unlocked. Why would I warp the wood. Second of all, I don’t have that spell.” (Having used it up on the fake treasure chest)
Geornas: “All druids have to open a door?”
Spandau: “Alright you retards. I’ll open the damn door.”

The scouting unit finds 2 prisoners!

Spandau: “I have saved you!”

Prisoner: “Uhhh… water…”
Spandau: “My name is Spandau!”

They send the prisoners back to camp with Geornas.

Spandua: “Yeah, she just wants to get rid of ya so she can make out with me. That’s normal.”
Georgnas: “… I don’t even know what to say.”

Heleth and Spandua continue to explore the cavern, but find nothing of interest or value. They then returned

Standard Operating Procedure

At this point I can’t say anything… tomfoolery ensured… I think my visible reaction to listening to this audio has damaged my work reputation.

To sum up. Heleth finds and uncovers a pit. Seeing a bag in the pit Spandau’s greed overcame his wisdom and he immediately jumped in the pit. Heleth left him in the pit to continue exploring. However a lot of bickering occured in there.

Dan: “Rob, don’t you have a rope?”
Rob: “I gave my rope to Geornas to get me out of the first pit.”

Heleth tosses  her waterskindown to Spandau (so he doesn’t dehydrate) and  runs back to camp. Since he is sitting on a large sack of gold, we decided to rescue Spandau. Big Jim and Apical lower a rope and haul Spandau, clutching the sack of gold, almost to the top, and extort the sack from him before completing the rescue.

The gold is sucessfully divied up, despite everyone’s worries. An arguement breaks out on religion (again), and Heleth accues Sapndau of being a heritic.

Spandau: “I’ve got my own view of Acen, and apparently he approves as he keeps shooting spells my way.”

Finding the rest of the cave system empty, the party returns to Sengazia.

Heleth, continuing assert herself, demands her waterskin back from Spandau, spoiling his previously mumbled plan to sell it for a silver piece. Spandau and Geornas play “monkey in the middle”, who seems unfamiliar with the concept. Heleth crashes dishonorably to the ground ,as she leaps for the bag. Big Jim: “Hit him in the balls and take it.”

Castara, in her usual hard tone, “Quit being a dick-bag. I want to get outta here”.

Thanks to Geornas’s wimpy throw Heleth recovers her waterskin.

Spandau: “This game has ceased to enthrall me.”

Castara demands her daily payment.

Cutting the banter short we head back to town.

Cashing In

We are resolved to escort the resuced prisoners back to the Crusade…

Heleth: “…to make sure you are not choked during questioning.”

The Crusade Scout talks of some sort of power struggle, between at least 3 factions, in the East. There is a powerful lord with a large force to the northeast. He has a group of knights called The Black Riders. These Knights are smaller than Humans. Apical suspects his evil brother is involved.

The enfeebled scout kept crying that we needed to tell the Crusade, until Big Jim’s patience has ran out…

Big Jim: “Alright, we are going to the Crusade. Stop whining.”

After some strawberry talk (the doppleganger challenge codeword) we headed to the Crusade camp.

The plate mail countdown is down to 4 days…

Spandau objected to the party having to revolve around Big Jim’s armor. Big Jim replied that sapndau has no reason to complain about others.

Spandau: “I am not going to sit around and wait for Big Jim’s ‘outfit’ to be completed.”
Big Jim: “Who are you to talk? You and your damn bed almost got us all thrown into prison.”

Stopping to collect the bounty on scalps, we discover that our good buddy Will resigned. He had some sort of revelation and decided that he needed to do different things. We asked around but no one had a clue as to where he had gone.

Spandau: “We’ll make the starving prisoners wait while we get our accounting done.”

These fucking Nobles use the Ogre scalps as wheel covers!

EDITOR’S NOTE: The only good thing the Crusade has done is expand the vocabulary of the general populace with the word “conscription”.

After a verbal tussle with the manager we wrangled some money for the Worg pelts, despite them  not being as glamorous as a Goblin pelt.

Lazy Drunk wrangled a raise… for now.

We returned the prisoners and scheduled/demanded a meeting with Lady Allestra the following day. We had planned this because we finnally decided that the Keepers needed to be stopped from doing …whatever it is that they’re doing.. The only force capable of that is the Crusade…maybe.

Castara: “Someone waving their dick around when they’re bleeding.”

OSHA

Having depleted our share of NPC feebs, yet again, we  visited the Adventurer’s Guild…

Big Jim: “We need some new guys.”
Heleth: “We need someone competent.”
Big Jim: “Let’s not get carried away.”

The first prospect was a very meek woman, completely covered, with “a fire in her belly”.

Apical” “What the fuck?”
Spandau: “Uhh, how can we tell if she’s hot or not?”
Big Jim: “Can we see your face please?”
…
Spandau: “We’ve got enough estrogen in this party already.”
…
Heleth: “What are your skills?”
Big Jim: “We’re not going to hire someone who won’t show us their face!”
Heleth: “Maybe it’s part of her culture.”
Big Jim: “Fuck that!”

This pathetic waif wants to take her revenge on the East. They dragged her family off…

Spandau: “That’s not really a skill.”

And so on…

And so we hired Female Refugee; unrelated to Grizzled Refugee.

The next contestant was a muscular oaf with a mustache, who lost his equipment, having been robbed when he fell asleep in a whore house.

Spandau: “I should have the only mustache in the party.”

Welcome Gruff Loner.

Finally we were introduced to a weaselly complainer who has never been in a fight, but he broke down a door once.

Applicant: “I want to take our city back… it has turned into a shit-hole.”

This winner is all into finding out what is going on to Sengazia.

Stake your claim Agitated Citizen.

Commerce

With our big bag of loot, we went shopping. We are unable to remeber our relationship with various merchants. An attempt is made to blow it off, but Louis joined in.

Louis: “What a minute, you offended someone… when you told someone he might as well have raped your dead grandmother’s mouth.”

Rohan’s Medium Armory…

We discover that there is still voilence towards the merchants, as two blocks of buildings have been burnt down in the Easern Redisential District. Big Jim proposed that Rohan should hire us, with up front payment, as a merchant watch replacement, since they were clearly not getting the job done. When Rohan was merely less than ecstatic, Big Jim accused him of trying to scam us and stormed out  using an avalanche of profanity.

Valerie’s Flails and Sundries…

Heleth: “I’m just glad she didn’t remember me. Last time she was adamant about us never coming back in ever.”
Big Jim: “That’s just a negotiating tactic.”

On the way to the next store we walk through the burned section. Big Jim grabed a random stone mason, questions him, and angrily asks him if he wants to buy a stone hammer. When the man refuses and Big Jim doesn’t find any money in his pouches, he tells the guy to get out.

Andrew: “Apical started that… that the city is going to shit.”
Aaron: “I am not grabbing guys in the street, but it is true.”
Dan: “To be fair, it was probably shitty to begin with.”
Aaron: “As long as we’re being fair.”
Andrew: “Now Undead are in the streets.”
Aaron: “That has not always been our fault.”
Rob: “We should rough up some more guys. That was fun.”

(Archery) Shop…

Our first attempt to sell several light crossbows and short bows. The proprietor is a female elf of pleasnt disposition, until she met us.   We noted that there were two thugs in the corner keeping an eye on us. Heleth attempted to engage them in conversation, but was ignored.

Dan: “Andrew stop interrupting the rest of us by constantly gibbering about whatever happens to pop into your head.”

Things started pleasantly at first, until  the first prices were quoted. The elf refused to up her price in the bartering process. She stated that  the way Elves do business is by one fixed offer, and that’s it. Enraged Big Jim recited a litany of profanities and abusive phrases at  her until she recinded any offfer and told the party to get out.

Big Jim: “That broad  doesn’t know how to barter.”

To sell off our remaining archery goods, we are forced to enter the slums and go to…

Meritan’s Missiles…

Some of the party were immediately turned off by the thatched roof.

Meritan: “Acen punishes thieves.”
Heleth: “Then I have not fear for I am not a thief.”
Rob: “I look around for anything of exceptional valuable. If only Acen is doing this, then I don’t care.”
…
Apical: “I am going to sneak into Lordshome and plant people of only moderate income.”

Stilts and Stones

Apical stops at a carpenter… Jarnell’s Woodcrafters. He orders some stilts made, to mask the most obvious thing about himself. After which he heads to Lanara’s Textiles to order the pants of a normal person. He goes into the back room to try out the pants over the stilts. As of yet unskilled in the circus arts he thrashes about, making all kinds of noise…

Lanara: “Are you OK in there?”
Apical: “Yeah, I had a heavy lunch.”

The rest of the party tried to sell our left over inventory (a bunch of torches and the stone axes), in the Slums. Quickly they find themselves left with only the aforementioned stone axes. Heleth attracted some leering letches… sounds like our next soldier.

A pair of dudes bought 2 of the 3 stone axes and quickly left.

The paryt had a discussion on what to do with the rest of the loot and whether what we were doing was legal. Big Jim took the position that the Slums was essentially a lawless area, that the authorities pretty much ignored. Heleth and Spandau wern’t convinced. To prove his point  Big Jim grabbed a guy, insulted him, and attempted to forcibly sell him a stone axe.

Big Jim: “It’ll make you into a man. Women will swoon. Your wife will stop cheating  on you.”

Turns out this sicko wants his wife to continue to cheat on him. He married her for money, so Jim urinates on his head. This weirdo refused to buy a stone axe as it will make his wife respect him. Big Jim , refusing to give up, rummages through the guy’s pockets and finds two copper peices. He takes two torches (1 cp apiece) and slams them on either side of the man’s head. Then takes the 2 cps for use of the torches.

Rob: “Big Jim. Chaotic Good.”

Big Jim takes a big step towards deterioration.

Burning Crusade

As day grew to a close, we closed up shop  and  followed the crowd to the weekly public burning. To our shock we saw that one of the Crusade scouts we had rescued was about to be burned for heresy! We sprang into action.

Big Jim: “Everyone put on their masks!”

As they chose “eye’s in or eye’s out” we started confusion. Spandau punched the guy next to him. Big Jim threw flaming oil into the crowd. Apical wormed his way close to the stage guards. As the flaming oil exploded, setting several bystanders on fire, a guard pointed our way, yelling at us to stop.

Big Jim ducked down, grabbed a guy, placed his mask on him, and then jumped up, dragging the victim towards the stage, yelling “I got him!”

Using his Ring of Jumping, Apical leaps over the ring of guards, landing next to the Dwarven Protector who is about to chop the scout, and lays him out with a Stunning Fist. *HA-ZA!*

Spandau summons a swarm on the stage, providing cover for Apical as he unties the unconscious scout. Big Jim uses his captive’s skull to headbutt a guard, kncking the guy over.

Spandau: “What sorts of horrid creatures do I summon forth from the depths of nature’s bounty?”
Louis: “Bubbling up from beneath the stage comes a swarm of centipedes.”

Spandau gets punched.

A burn team guard draws a sword on Big Jim. Applying his knowledge of the position, Big Jim pulls out his own sword, “Do you really want to get into this? Take your money and go”. The guard wisely flees. After which Big Jim re-dons his mask.

Apical slings the scout over his shoulder, yells “All hail the Keepers!” and runs off stage, disappearing into the crowd, as he ducks a final guard’s swing.

Spandau turns his swarming fury onto the assailant who punched him. The assailant is quickly eschewed. Some random crowd member runs on stage and sets a Goblin (set to the burned anyway) on fire. Heleth cheers. We hear many disappointed cries, “We didn’t get to put his eyes out!”

Big Jim relished in the chaos, perhaps reminding himself of the serene chaos of punching cattle.

The Burning MC (of no musical talent) orders the remaining prisoners set aflame.

Dan (defending himself against Rob’s accusations of not playing a chaotic good PC) : “Nobody should be complaining about my actions. Look at you Rob,  all of a sudden someone punches you in the head and it is OK that he be devoured by insects?”

EDITOR’S NOTE: I enjoy Andrew’s participating, but sometimes I wonder if he has ever played any flavor of DnD

Dan: “So I’m Batman with a flaming bag of oil.”

An Idiot’s Reveal

With the twice -rescued, poisoned, and beaten Crusade scout (with a gaping wound across his buttocks) we go to the Shrine of Self-Reliant. They are happy to help, but are nervous about our talk of the Keepers.

Rob: “Look you can see his axe-hole.”
Dan: “This is like the Russian’s locking up their own POWs after they were rescued.”

Now stable and awake, he repeats his report…

They put together a map of the East. This includes the Orcish lands, Gnolls, the lands of the Dark Lord, and a passage to the city of Kargon. He reported hearing of the Marshal Way, the Self Actualized, and the Deathbringers, who believe Acen brings forth the Undead to punish the West. They heard tales of them marshaling their Undead forces underground. The scout thinks we should make contact with at least one of the groups in the East to learn more. The Dark Lord’s lands are civilized. There is trade between the lands of the Dark Lord and the Orc lands. They were able to determine who controls Undead or Orge Mage. The Dark Knights work for Dark Lord. Some of the Eastern population thinks the West is filled with nomadic tribes.

Scout: “… I think we need to make contact with at least one of these groups or I fear we will be lost.”

Big Jim: “We’re already lost buddy.”

…
Scout: “If more than one city is united against us, then we are in trouble.”

After giving his report he was released to go home and rest. An hour later a Dwarf came crashing through his door and then he was unconscious.

This idiot thinks the East must have done this to him, constantly repeating. “I can’t believe that they would do this.”

Big Jim: “He sounds like he is in the very special forces.”
Heleth: “I think I found my future husband.”

The scout redraws the map for us.

Big Jim: “No wonder they want to burn this guy. He is blurting out this non-PC stuff.” (about prot-humans having civilzations)

Father Ilnara: “If you ever meet any of these Self-Actualized,  then correct their ways.”

Before we leave, we sit down in the Shrine entryway and divvy up the loot. We wrap the scout up like a mummy and plan to wheelbarrow him over to the basement of the Soft Skin, but actually just dump him at the Honeycomb Hideout.

Big Jim: “We’ll stick a bag over his head, then it won’t be suspicious.”
…
Spandau: “For a spy, this guy has a big mouth.”
…
Big Jim: “We have so many fucking refugees hanging onto our place.”

Heleth cleans herself, having reach 5th level…

Dan: “Alright Andrew, you’re new things are way too fucking creepy.”

Heleth buys out our neighbor’s home (the Engardos) to start a battered woman’s home down the street.

EDITOR’S NOTE: I find it extremely funny whenever someone asks about one of our neighbors and Louis clearly recites a prepared paragraph.

Closing Arguments

We meet with Lady Allustria.

The session was winding down, so when we decided if to do this tonight, we devolved into Arnold cheese lines.

Louis: “I am just going to put the Paladin token on the Homestead map and you will suspend your disbelief.”

We told her of seeing their scout being burned alive. of course she had no knowledge of the burings, and we spent a lot of time filling her in on the common (foul) elements of her own city. We guessed that she wasa only able to retain her paladinic virtue by completely ignoring the world around her.

EDIOTR’s NOTE: Louis seems very pleased with our reaction to the style of Lordshome of wearing masks.

According to Lady Allustria, the burnings run by the Keepers and to be used only on the East.

Spandau: “…someone is making a power play.”
Big Jim: “Let’s stop saying ‘someone’. We all know who it is.”
Spandau: “I don’t want to throw around accusations.”
Big Jim: “I will. IT’S THE KEEPERS.”

The fools refused to believe us . We need proof to convince them.

We agree to come back with a plan for investigating the East.

Rob: “Great, we’ve got homework.”

This crew has a knack for bringing the party closer and closer to a TPK with them  barely managing to escape (though it’s mostly Aaron’s fault). Sure this happens from time to time in all campaigns, but it seems to happen to Acen’s Angels every mission.

We learned the simplest ranged weapon to train our “soldiers” in is a crossbow. The rock era is over, or so we thought.

We started where we left off, having just killed the Doppleganger.

Andrew was MIA, not answering the phone.

We scooped the bodies into the basement of The Soft Skin. Looting the corpses along the way. We found 4 goodberries on Smirking Man’s corpse and decided to consume them immediately…

Big Jim: “I will take one. Apical, you can have one. Spandau, did you get hit?”

Spandau: “Yeah I did. I got hit in the head with a rock.”

Big Jim: “Actually Apical, you and I can each take two.”

In response, Spandau ate one more goodberry than he needed to fully recover.

In the Basement

We talked to the Thieves Guild in the basement…

Rob: “Quick question. I leveled, should I get hit points?”

Louis: “Yes. What do you mean should you get hit points?”

Dan: “Haven’t you ever played DnD before?”

Rob: “I was wondering if it was an appropriate time. I know exactly how to level.”

Louis: “Yes, it is an appropriate time. Unless you have some sort of freak out and attack the Thieves Guild.”

Aaron: “Just as Rob is about to roll I attack the nearest guy.”

Turns out this was just one crew among Thieves Guild, there are several. They run a couple brothel’s and a gambling hall.

There was speculation on what the Keeper’s are up to… killing lords, spreading disease, killing legal officials. The Groin Fire is spread through social interaction… dipping your wick… There may be a rat in Grimfavel’s (the Thieve’s Guild)  organization – find them with the doppelganger test (this goes somewhere in a little bit). This spy may have been spying on them “through magical means” (the first appearance of the mysterious magical means)…

Grimfavel: “They could have been spying on us through magical means.”

Big Jim: “Oh yeah. That stuff. Good luck with all that. Can we have our potions now?”

We discussed informing the Crusade of what the Keepers are up to.

Relationships

Dan told us of stdmatch.net…

Rob: “Why were you on this site by the way?”

Louis: “What’s he telling us now?”

Aaron: “We’ve had enough surprises of late.”

*laughter*

Dan: “Very good. Let’s get back to the game.”

We will try to talk to Lady Allestra.

Dan (referring to Halfling Assassin): “An assassin who is too short to hit any vital organs.”

We postulated that the Keepers are trying to take out the Poor with the Groin Fire, their plan being to take out the top and bottom of society.

How are the keepers communicating the the East… through magical means?

Grimfavel admitted to us that he is lower on the Thieve’s Guild food chain than he had let on. Basicly he’s just a pimp. It is decided that his crew will lay low in their sewer lair. If they need to hide, there is an entrance to it in the basement of The Soft Skin, or Skon knows how to get in and out of the city without being seen.

Grimfavel’s crew is going to join up with another Thieves Guild.

Some more pro-Sengazia sentiment broke out…

Apical: “What is with all these damn masks?… Masks are for Thieves and mental patients (not Lords).”

Grimfavel: “Not in Sengazia my friend.”

Apical: “Well things in Sengazia are going to have to change or it is going to end up a burning pit.”

Big Jim (slightly empathetically disgusted): “It already is.”

Some theories…

• The Keepers manufactured this entire war/invasion.
• Perhaps the Groin Fire turns you into Undead.

Grimfadel (in reference to the Crusade): “Maybe you should try to help them”.

Big Jim: “Screw them! They wrote this check. They can deal with it themselves. We’re heroes! She’s (Lady Allestra)  probably not a real paladin.” According to Larome there are common folk in Lordshome, or at least outside the south wall.

Big Jim puts forth that the Keepers started this whole invasion thing so there is an excuse to build and army, for which you need a “king”, who will be a puppet for the Keepers.

We discuss plans to offer education for the public.. after the Keepers are gone and we take over. We have to find proof that the Keepers are involved in all of these evil plots.

Grimfadel pointed us to finding out more about The Revealed.

Lady Allustra seems to know something about the Keepers. She seems to have her own suspicions, that she stupidly keeps to herself.

The Doppelganger Challenge

The challenge answer is strawberry.

Geornas: “This is kind of freaking me out…. the idea that the group is going to attack me if I don’t say ‘strawberry.’”

Big Jim: “Well then you better remember to say ‘strawberry’ motherfucker.”

Salesmanship

We took advantage of Heleth’s NPC status and set her to clean stuff before selling.

Sniveling Wayne channeled Sobhal.

We upgraded the feebs that still only had sticks and stones, to crossbows and harpoons.

On being reminded that in old school gaming we get 1 XP per GP. Rob proposed we invade the Noble District. Being the quintessential Type IV gamer Dan pointed out we get XP for roleplaying…

Dan: “Which means we can sit around and redecorate the house all day.”

Aaron: “We can read some books and discuss and walk out as 10th level.”

Louis quickly pointed out that POOR roleplaying is a penalty.

Dan: “That is a loaded statement, Louis, who are YOU to decide what is poor roleplaying?”

Louis: “There are some clear indicators of poor roleplaying. For example, not encountering limners and NPCs that are not dicks. Another indicator is dressing like your character.”

Dan: “I think I just lost some points.”

Louis: “Oh good, you are sitting at home in splint mail huh?”

Dan: “It helps me get into the complex character that is Big Jim Umbrage.”

Louis: “You cannot say you are not facing a complex set of morale challenges.”

Dan: “I think we are doing it very well. There is a lot of, ‘ fuck you I don’t care. All you Nobles can go to hell.””

Discovering a Potion of Flying in the pool started an argument as Louis pointed out that we can’t whip out the potion in combat if it is in a book… remember Rob is a DRUID!

We learned there are barely any Merchant Watch around as they are being put on the front lines, leading to a rise in crime. Big Jim endeavored to create work by having the Merchants hire us to kick down lean-tos, applying the tactic of hysteria.

Dan: “Larna’s Textiles, where the hell did that come from?”

Aaron: “Is that where Rob bought his bed?”

Dan: “Nah, he got it from Exquisite Living. How come I remember this stuff?”

Aaron: “Cause you’re invested in the campaign.”

Louis: “Yes. Exactly. The gritty roleplaying has drawn you in to the point where it sticks in your mind.”

…

Louis: “Lanara is the seamstress.”

Dan: “This is a very REAL campaign.”

Aaron: “There is a remarkable level of minutia… We had to evolve to a higher level of play.”

Dan: “Yeah, we’ll call it that.”

We spoke with Captain Ensilatas. He gave us “news” of the Crusade fucking up. Undead are popping up at night with no discernible pattern.

Some Crusade scouts have been captured while crossing back from the East, over the the mountains. One is dead for sure, according to the one that made it back. They are wondering if someone *choke* would lead a rescue mission. The scouts were on a mission to map the basic lay of the land. They split up, and later joined back together to cross back into the West. On the way back they were ambushed by Bugbears.

Spandau warned me towards dangling my participles at.

While considering the proposal, we concluded our business with the  Crusade by turning over the potions. Turns out even though we did all the work, we are not guaranteed to get the mission unless we prove our loyalty (presumably by taking on this rescue mission). I think Louis is feeding us XP until we are high enough level to venture into the East.

We have to wait until Lady Allestra will grant us an audience. If this happens we can discuss our suspicions of the Keepers, and ask for the mission to infiltrate the East, and finally find ourselves a new life in a better world.

We failed to get free healing potions from the Crusade, but they did heal our current wounds.

Captain Ensilatas’s knowledge of The Revealed was limited to it being a legend. They believe they have some special revelation from Acen (just like every other religion). It was just a line of Light Bringer crap.

Packaging

In lieu of throwing the bag of Keeper tongues at the mercenaries surrounding their keep and run away giggling, a plan abandoned for fear of being followed and The Honeycomb Hideout being burned down, we decided to hire a courier.

Skon: “Just make sure you wear masks when you hire the guy.”

Apical: “That’s fine. We’ll don mask, grab some homeless dude, and pay him a few shekels to deliver this bag.”

Skon: “You might want to dress him up. You have to get him into the noble quarter.”

Apical: “Good point. So you want to do that?”

Big Jim: “That sounds like a lot of effort.”

Apical: “Well these tongues are going to spoil soon.”

…

Apical: “So we all wear masks and find a courier.”

…

Spandau (having to wait in the alley with the Tiger): “You guys better not do anything awesome while I’m not there.”

Any other group might skim over the hiring of a common courier with little to no interest. Not Acen’s Angels.

We quickly trained our feebs in the backyard, at least the ones that are conscious, speak common, and are not predisposed to Druid-like weapons. They honed their skills with a crossbow by shooting the ubiquitous outhouse.

We divided up the loot from sales…

Louis: “I take it you are Screwing Heleth out of her share?”

Dan (very quickly): “Yup”

…

Big Jim: “1 copper each”

Spandau: “I hurl that to the ground in contempt.”

Big Jim: “I will take it then.”

Spandau: “I just want to see if I could get you to bend over.”

Rob tried to argue that a logical approach is that you heal 1HP/level per day. Louis dismissed this immediately since we are using old school.

Castara

It’s a New Day

Time to pay the troops. We reflected upon on we have 1 fellow that works for free and 1 that works for sandwiches.

Time to meet the cleric, Castara.

Rob: “Is she hot?”
Dan: “Look at her token.”
Rob: “She could be fat as hell under that token.”

She has a real attitude.

Castara: “Here’s the ground rules. Rule number one, I’m nobody’s fuck doll.”
Big Jim: “There goes question one.”
Castara: “Rule number two, how much are you going to pay?”
Big Jim: “A butt load.”
Castara: “That’s not real specific.”
…
Castara: “If I cast 10 gold a day, and if not, then 2 gold a day for following your asses around.”
Big Jim: “I miss Jernix.”
Apical: “I think she will be a good influence on Heleth.”

*Break Time*

Aaron: “Can you get Soundburst Rob… probably not.”

After the bio break Louis polled our opinions on the attractiveness of Castara’s icon, and then revealed the truth.

For an audition, we took Castara to Rensil’s Sharp Objects to Detect Magic on the magical sword Big Jim wants…

Big Jim: “Spandau pay attention and make sure she is casting a spell and not just mumbling.”
Spandau: “Yeah, I’m paying attention. Whatever.”

We took our line of “almost homeless” over to Brother Meriam for healing. In the event of a disaster most of the shrine plan to relocate, preferably to Ancara.

Time to Die

Louis: “How many feebs are you taking?”
Dan: “We are taking them ALL! And the Tiger.”

We walk off to the cave where the captured scouts are rumored to be held at (that dangler is for Rob).

On the way an Antank erupted out of the ground.

Sniveling Wayne: “Seeing a bug makes me itch. Whaaa.”

In what should not have been a surprise, Castara threw some rocks for her “ranged weapons”.

Montacore was belted good, being left with a single HP. We dispatched it before it could breathe acid. Only Montacore suffered any damage.

Cave In?

After that short encounter we approached a cave. We sent a HEALTHY Skon inside.

Orges! Finally learning form our extensive cave experience, we had Skon draw the Ogres out towards the narrow cave entrance so we could have an advantage.

Goblin Skirmishers!

Andrew joined. The official story was that she overslept as Spandau slipped her a mickey.

Just like last session, Apical was pelted at the outset.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The combat lasted 3 hours.

Sniveling Wayne: “I got hit in the back of the head with a rock. Whaaa.”

Louis screwed me out of Ki Strike damage.

Goblin Darters!

At this point the second wave of enemies held inside the cave, no longer charging the narrow cave entrance so we could take advantage.

We rolled many critical hits, however roughly half were wasted with minimum damage rolls.

Big Jim cleaves a Goblin Skirmisher in twain!

Big Jim took left at the first bend in the cave, while the rest of the party headed right, except for Spandau and Heleth.

Big Jim: “Scream if you see anything.”
…
Spandau: “You guys are idiots for following Apical. I am following Big Jim.”

In Apical’s group, the majority of the party entered a room and patiently waited for something to enter from the corridor on the far side….

Apical (following the aforementioned order): “OGRE!”

Big Jim killed the apparent Goblins, and then headed off to join the main force. Spandau got caught alone vs several Goblin Skirmishers, who waited until Big Jim passed by. The Skirmishers pelted Spandau with rocks. Due to the Goblin’s superior vision Spandau was hit from out of the dark. Trying to resolve this issue Spandau cast light on his own wooden shield. Unfortunately the Goblin’s still stood just beyond his light. Geornas was not much help.

Magical Means appeared to explain a screw up in the initiative order.

Spandau started swinging his expert scimitar around and felled a Goblin, which led to immediate boasting.

Big Jim heard some mumbling and ran over to see what Spandau was complaining about.

Back with Apical, 3 Bugbears entered the room.

Spandau was fucking around with 4 Goblins for several round and then Big Jim entered, shoved Spandau out of the way, and took them out right quick. Haza Q-bert for Combat Dominance.

Apical took the first Bugbear Guard down with a critical arrow shot.

Next round, Big Jim cut down two Goblins. No problem.

Spandau charges, Han Solo style, down the corridor after the last Goblin.

After poor bout of screaming across the corridor, Big Jim decides to run after Spandau.

Apical’s spies a Bugbear Commander approaching down the corridor.

Sniveling Wayne takes a critical hit from a Bugbear, and dies immediately, sniveling his last. Acen does not favor those that abandon the Stick and Urine store.

Sniveling Wayne: “Sell all my stuff. Whaa. Tell my mom I was alive all this time. Whaa.”

With Spandau and Big Jim still giving chase to the last Goblin Skirmisher…

Big Jim: “This guy needs to stand still so we can kill him.”

Big Jim tackles Goblin Skirmisher 1.

Bugbear Guard steps up, stepping on poor Ornery Ex-Cooper.

Bugbear Cleric!

Spandau kicks Goblin Skirmisher in the teeth, knocking him unconscious.

Bugbear Commander charges up and attacks Apical, clocking him with a big morning star for 5 points.

With the Skirmisher unconscious, Big Jim continues to run down the corridor, hoping the passage will connect up with itself, giving the Bugbears a surprise from behind.

Louis: “Spandau?”
Spandau: “Yeah! Spandau time. I guess I will run after Jim because I don’t like to be alone.”

Bugbear Commander attacks Apical. They discard him for being short when it is convenient.

Louis finally removes Montacore from the initiative order.

Big Jim runs into a pack of Wargs. While being bitten and dragged to the ground, Spandau contemplates how to befriend the Wargs.

Louis: “You’re tripped.”
Dan: “Ahh!”
Louis: “You’re initiative is reduced to 0.”
Dan: “For fuck’s sake.”
Andrew: “You have Spandau backing you up. What could go wrong?”
Rob: “Yeah, don’t worry the Spanmeister is on the case.”
Dan: “Oh yeah, when you finally get up here in 2 rounds. While my throat is being ripped out. Fuck you! I’ll kill you all!”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Every exclamation mark on Big Jim’s speech is very reflective of Big Jim’s true emotions.

Bugbear Guard 2 takes down Confused Foreigner.

Dan: “You’re screwing us here Louis.”

Bugbear Cleric hits Apical’s group with Soundburst, hitting Apical, Lazy Drunk, Ornery Ex-Cooper, Grizzled Refugee, and Castara. Apical is stunned. Ornery Ex-Cooper goes down. Grizzled Refugee dies. Lazy Drunk is stunned. Confused Foreigner is still unconscious. Heleth, Skon and Castara are left unstunned and alive. The party is in sad shape.

Spandau: “Well Big Jim, what do you think of starting our own party.”

Big Jim rolls around on the ground while 3 Wargs bit him.

Castara catches Bugbear Commander and Bugbear Guard in a Soundburst; taking down Bugbear Commander and stunning Bugbear Guard.

Rob’s rules lawyering pays an unexpected benefit by allowing Skon to do some additional damage.

Bugbear Cleric casts Hold Person on Lazy Drunk.

Castara finishes off Bugbear Guard with a critical rock hit…

Castara: “Take that asshole.”
Apical: “She’s Self Reliant.”

Big Jim downs a Warg.

The forgotten Geornas continues to mozy up to Spandau.

Skon critically hits (4 points) Bugbear Cleric.

Apical quaffs his valuable Cure Critical potion.

Spandau: “Is that one Big Jim just killed dead dead or just losing hit points?”
Big Jim: “For god’s sake. Kill one of the ones that are attacking me, you asshole.”

Heleth starts dragging the unconscious Confused Foreigner backwards. Will the key to the campaign be lost? He ought to be given how laisserfaire we are with his safety.

Castara drags Ornery Ex-Cooper backwards.

Apical covers the hallway where Bugbear Cleric is hiding, waiting for him to appear as he covers the unconscious Lazy Drunk until he wakes up or Heleth or Castara comes back from dragging the other unconscious party members, but decides to take the opportunity to loot Sniveling Wayne’s corpse. Satisfying his dying wish.

Georgnas buries his Warhammer in the unconscious Goblin Skirmishers skull.

Bugbear Cleric pops out of hiding and nails Apical while he is rounds out of the darkness while he is bent over looting. Apical exchanges blows with Bugbear Cleric and then the Cleric disappears into the darkness. We hear drinking sounds…

Heleth: “Aw, he is drinking our loot.”

Big Jim discovers the tunnel does not circle around, drinks a Cure Serious Potion, turns, and books back towards Apical’s group.

Spandau: “Where the hell are you going? You’re guarding me.”
…
Big Jim (passing Geornas): “What are you doing here?”
Geornas: “I’m looking for Spandau.”
Big Jim: “Dick… You loser! Get back here!”

This time, instead of looting, the remaining party angles so they can fire at the Bugbear Cleric.

Castara lands another critical hit.

Lazy Drunk is out of bolts, so he throws a javelin. The party is running out of ammunition.

Meanwhile, Spandau is casting animal friendship.

Heleth fires her last arrow… critical hit!

Due to his protective spell, we need a 20 to hit Bugbear Cleric, so after a flurry of misses, the Bugbear Cleric steps up and knocks Skon unconscious.

Heleth screams in terror and flees.
Rob: “I am watching my reputation as a coward become second worst.”

Lazy Drunk goes down, bleeding to death.

Heleth fires her last ditch, a hand crossbow, and lands a critical hit!

Bugbear Cleric takes down Castara (unconscious).

Spandau finished his spell, and without any idea if it is successful, orders Georgnas to drag the Warg back.

Big Jim is getting closer.

After getting hit by Bugbear Cleric again…

Aaron: “Come on!”
Louis: “He has the favor of Acen.”
Aaron: “No he doesn’t. He’s a protohuman. He should be a mumbling idiot.”

The party is down to it’s last leg.

Big Jim appears around the corner….

Big Jim: What he hell is going on!… I turn around for 2 minutes and you all drop dead.

Spurred on by the appearance of Jim, showing up out of nowhere, like a superhero (but actually having no other choice left), Apical nails Bugbear Cleric; killing him. Then turns around…

Apical: (takes a deep breath, and covered in blood) “And that’s how we do it.”

The session ends abruptly as it is 2:40 AM ET.

Technically only Sniveling Wayne (killed by bugbear running out of darkness and smacking him) and Grizzled Refugee (Soundburst) died.

Another combat we barely survived. Again dancing the line. Our troops are developing the skill to take just enough damage to be knocked unconscious and/or stop themselves from bleeding to death. This is a relief, as it cuts down on the recruiting.

During opening banter time Dan uncovered the secrets of “developmental” English, while Louis dotted the i’s on his encounter.

Big Jim: “Spandau, that tiger is coming with us into combat. It is time for him to do something more than shit on the neighbor’s lawn and stop people from setting your bed on fire.”

…

Apical: “So he is not going to lunge at children?”

Louis: “It is LIKELY that he won’t.”

Big Jim: “That’s a chance I’m willing to take.”

We were looking for a lawyer “who is not afraid to murder a lawyer”.

Louis made a strong point to note that we don’t know of such things as Alchemist’s Fire or Tanglefoot Bags. This is an old school game damn it. Such fancy things don’t exist.

While working out our cover story for Skon being with us at the Mystery House, when we were supposed to leave him behind…

Aaron: “If you are willing to murder a lawyer, then lying about someone not being there is no problem.”

Dan: “… it wasn’t murder.”

Rob: “It was pretty much murder.”

Dan: “We did nothing wrong.”

Aaron: “What’a ya me we? That incident was your fault.”

Dan: “… I was just trying to show my, uh, dominance.”

….

Dan: “Go back and read the post… he told us to leave it alone…. wouldn’t give us information… So it was his fault really.”

More Cannon Fodder

We visited the Adventurer’s Guild to inquire on a cleric, and to pick up some more meat shields. The crowd at the Guild was light due to conscription and only had draft dodgers available. 20! We hear that a female cleric of the Self Reliant is around, so we send a message to them and get a meeting tomorrow. Big Jim gave him some crap as to why we had to wait until tomorrow, but when the clerk asked if we would be waiting around all day Big Jim nearly yelled negativ-o, then complained about the clerk’s attitude.

We hired a couple new winners…

Clerk: “…a couple of guys looking to get into the man-at-arms business.”

Big Jim: “I’ve got a bad feeling about this man-at-arms business.”

Heleth proposed a tournament in the Henresey Lot including 3-legged races, hurtling street urchins and egg balancing.

Dan: “The guy with a +1 dagger is a magic item feast.”

Dan: “Maybe we should play characters that give a shit.”

Aaron: “I cared at first, but the grittiness wears on you.”

…

Dan: “… I still consider myself Chaotic Good.”

*laughter*

While the potential hirees were being fethched, we went to Martin’s Magical Sundries to get some healing potions.

I recorded the price list so we know if Martin tries to screw us next time…

• 4400gp for a +”substantially” enchanted 2-handed sword
• 450gp for potion of Aid
• 320gp for a potion of Cure Light Wounds
• 550gp for a potion of Cure Serious Wounds
• 800gp for a potion of Cure Critical Wounds
• 4400gp for an Amulet of Health
• 9500gp for Boots of Springing and Striding

Spandau purchases a potion of spider climb for 320gp (I’m sure he will screw us with that).

Martin tried to sell us on the “extremely rate” Eversmoking Bottle for 5500gp…

Heleth: “I could just set something on fire and make some smoke.”

Martin: “Oh no, this is magical smoke. There is nothing like it in all the world.”

Apical: “How is this any better than regular smoke?”

Martin: “A fire eventually goes out.”

We uncovered that Heleth could use magical device, but it is unlikely.

Andrew uncovered that we use healing potions vs. Undead. Unfortunately we cannot use goodberries in this way, unless perhaps we get it down the Undead’s throat. This led to the assumption that undead have no gag reflex. Are Undead victims of the “only 2 goodberries at once” rule? This elevated conversation continued as Dan postulated that if we did manage to get a goodberry down a Ghast or Wight’s gullet would that soothes his bloodlust? Thus leaving us with a shiny, happy Mr Wight. We plan to stuff a cow’s brain with goodberries and throw it at undead. Unfortunately due to GM fiat it has been deemed that goodberries cannot be used against undead.

We go back to the Guild and hire a new pair of winners: Former Servant and Lazy Drunk

Apical (to Former Servant): “What manner of servitude did you perform previously?”

At this point, perhaps disgusted by our play, the Internet gave way.

Reboot HIRED!

Former Servant has left working for a noble house because they were rude to him, so went into the loading and unloading business…

Former Servant: “Then I decided to become a man-at-arms, that’s why I got this club.”

He had beaten someone with a chair when he was younger, but needs on-the-job training.

Big Jim: “Oh good, we hate people with experience.”

Arguing ensued over his qualifications…

Apical: “Would you rather have him or some lazy drunk?”

Big Jim: “We are gonna hire them both anyway.”

Lazy Drunk was still drunk/under the weather.

Lazy Drunk: “I’m pretty quick when I’m awake.”

Apical: “Can you throw a rock?”

Lazy Drunk: “…I can probably chuck one through a window from 50 feet.”

…

Big Jim: “Do you have any weapons?”

Lazy Drunk: “I have this club.”

Big Jim: “Another fucking club! Can you use any other weapons?”

Lazy Drunk: “Yeah, anything you can swing. Maybe an axe.”

Apical: “Can you move at the pace of a normal man?”

We had him run to the end of the block and back. He moved pretty quick while hung over. Lazy Drunk was previously a city guard in Ankara, but was fired and took up drinking.  Louis selected some fantastic icons.

We hired them both and went shopping.

Basic Outfitters

Heleth: “Do you have any Acid?”

Thomas: “We do not have any acid here. That is too exotic.”

Heleth bought some flasks of oil.

Apical bought a generic, black, leather mask from Mark the Manager…

Spandau: “All must see the face of Spandau.”

Big Jim: “Or the back of his head while he is running away.”

There was some grumbling as to what to do if the Thieves Guild dicks us around again. We then headed back to Honeycomb Hideout to grab the boys. This time took the time to give them chain mail to make them look more impressive.

We decided to actually give chain mail to Ornery Ex-Cooper since he has been with us for awhile.

Fortified Armorer’s

We tried to find a tower shield for one of the Honeycomb Hideout Kids. The plan was to use him as a moviable fortification, while the feebs hid behind him and ducked out to throw rocks at the enemny.

Robillio offered to sell us an innovative tower shield reinforced with hides on the back, for use as a bedroll. However, like a pathetic version of the sword in the stone none of the party could effectively carry it.

Apical: “Maybe this is just a bad idea.”

Heleth: “Well it was a fun outing.”

Big Jim: “It was definitely worth exploring.”

Heleth: “Mr. Umbrage could you pick it up?”

…

Big Jim: “I’ve got 18 strength and I have primaries in strength and con.”

Heleth: “What does that mean?”

Big Jim: “It means I am someone who you don’t want to fuck with.”

…

*Big Jim picks up the tower shield, at the bequeath of Heleth, just to show them (our feeb army) how it’s done*

Louis: “It is lightly encumbering you.”

Big Jim: *puts down the tower shield* “Forget it. This is lightly encumbering me.”

In a Dark Alley

We marched down the gauntlet of “hidden” Thieves Guild members and approached Grimfavel and Grindek. However, just as we started talking to the Thieves Guild a LARGE contingent of Keepers approached, one of whom was identifed as Hooded Man. The party donned their masks.

Dan: “I put my mask on.”

Aaron: “Me too.”

Andrew: “I pull my hood over my head.”

Dan: “That is no substitute for a mask.”

Big Jim: “Masked Broad, get up here with me.”

…

Big Jim: “Get up here and show some balls. These guys usually back off if you give them some…. *I step back*

Groman claims the Thieves Guild violated their agreement, violating a Keeper protected location. Like a video game we were forced to wait for the scene to play out as we tried to interject but, like a Bluerazor handslap, were ignored.

Grimfavel: “Groman, you’re trying to overthrow this city.”

Groman: “Perhaps. Good-bye Grimfavel… (to his Keeper troops) Kill them all. Bring me their tongues.” (later Louis said he said this, but he actually did not).

Big Jim: “Uh, Grimfavel? Before we get going, do you have those potions?”

…

Big Jim: “Technically we don’t know what is blasphemous to the Keepers because they keep it secret.”

Hooded Man reveals himself to be Skon!

Big Jim (referring to Skon): “We did not even mind him spying on us. What a jerk.”

Grimfavel: “SKOOOOOOON!”

Clash of the Titans

The party was greatly insulted that one side ignored us and the other side thought they could handle us with old thieves, etc.

The remainder of the session was a massive battle. Here are the conflicting parties…

Sengazia Thieves Guild

• Grimfavel
• Grindek
• Bored Looking Whore -> Angry Whore
• Halfing Beggar -> Halfling Assassin
• Burnout -> Old Thief
• Filthy Beggar -> Actual Beggar (ran away, even when offered a gold piece)
• Larome
• Slingers (2)

Acen’s Angels (on the side of the Thieves Guild)

• Big Jim
• Apical
• Spandau
• Heleth
• Former Servant
• Lazy Drunk
• Ornery Ex-Cooper
• Grizzled Refugee
• Geornas
• Montacore

The Keepers

• Groman (left after casting Prayer in the first round)
• Burn Team (4)
• Protectors (4)
• Crossbowmen (4)
• Hooded Man -> Skon -> Doppleganger
• Smirking Man (aka Smirking Jerk-Off)
• Keeper Acolyte

The combat opened with Grimfavel blasting a magic item at Skon…. but missed.

Groman rides away, but leaves with a prayer, which boosts his entire team, and fucks Big Jim, Grimfavel and Apical.

EDITOR’S NOTE: I have noticed a pattern… NPC ally misses…

Dan: “For god’s sake.”

Aaron: “Damn it.”

Andrew: “Oh no.”

Rob: *laughs*

Spandau enforces emasculation with warp wood upon a Protector.

As per Apical’s MO he suffered most of his damage at the start of combat, thus leaving him to walk the edge. This time the damage was at the hand of many devastating rocks. Louis received several “a-hole”‘s for that.

Two Thieves Guild Slingers appeared on the roof of the Soft Skin.

Spandau: “Past is past. Now we must fight together.”

Big Jim: “Oh, look who’s talking… until the imaginary damage shows up.”

Smirking Man casts Hold Animal on Monticore.

The Thieve’s Guild showed how pathetic they are with old thieves, whores, and burnouts throwing rocks.

Thanks to Groman’s Prayer spell Protector 4 was saved from dropping after being critically hit by Big Jim. We had to wait until next round for Heleth’s flaming oil to finish him off. Unfortunately Grindeck wasted his next attack killing the guy

In an attempt to break the line Lazy Drunk charged the end of the line and clubbed a crossbowman, showing he has some former city guard skillz.

Apical was critically hit by a prayer-enhanced rock for 3 points….

Aaron: “You’re really sticking it into us good aren’t you GM.”

Louis: “Uh, that’s Castle Keeper to you.”

The burn team members have a special quiver to hold burning torches on their backs.

Grizzled Refuge goes down.

Dan: “You don’t have any more warp wood spells do ya Rob?”

Rob: “No, it is one of my upper level spells.”

*laughter*

Suddenly another Skon appears in the alley behind us…

Skon: “Did I hear someone call my name? What the hell is going on?”

The first Skon (formerly Hooded Man) becomes a Doppleganger… “I’m Skon.”

Crossbowman fires at the dog.

Smirking Man releases a Snake out of his backpack.

Larome gets hit in the back of the head with a friendly rock.

Heleth flubs throwing a flaming oil and bathes Former Servant in flaming oil…

Big Jim: “He is gonna want a raise after this.”

Protector 4 decided to attack the dog…

Aaron: “Aside from being sadistic, that is incredibly insulting as Apical is standing right next to him.”

Louis: “Well, you’re just a Halfling”.

In an unorthodox move, Spandau created water over some of the Burn Team members, in order to save his future Swarm from easily being burned.

In the ultimate dick move Burn Team 2 walks up an burns Grizzled Refuge (who was bleeding on the ground) to death, but his years of directly applicable experience kept him alive.

Former Servant took a massive shot (8 points) from Burn Team 4, but was ironically killed by Heleth’s accidentally spilled flaming oil…

Louis: “The combination of the wounds and burns were fatal. He died of shock.”

Big Jim: “So much for that career move.”

Apical: “He should have stuck with loading and unloading.”

Aaron: “He lasted 3 rounds and 5 minutes of RP time.”

Big Jim: “I’ll miss his smiling face.”

Apical: “I’ll miss his chipper attitude.”

After all his years of experience Old Thief can only manage a dagger.

Louis: “Keeper Skon drops his crossbow and his face melts off”… and becomes Doppleganger.

The party briefly argued over who got credit for calling it.

Louis: “Dropping any pretence of being Skon it casts mirror image…. there are now 6 dopplegangers.”

Big Jim: “Someone else handle that.”

Halfling Assassin, continues to waste rounds and “studies his opponent”.

Apical continued to miss with his Stunning Fist.

Slinger pegs Angry Whore in the back of the head. She goes down.

Some time later…

Louis: “Angry Whore stabilizes.”

Spandau: “Maybe I’ll get a freebie.”

Louis: “Burn Team 2 is holding a torch on Grizzled Refugee.”

Heleth missed the guy in front of him and splashed the Burn Team 3 behind him for 1 point, which Andrew was unreasonably happy with. Andrew hoped this would startle Burn Team 3, but since he was on a BURN TEAM he was used to such things. Andrew begins to argue.

Dan: “Can we move on please Andrew?”

Spandau (decrescendo): “Time to forth the full, mighty power of my uh power there and all that…”

Big Jim: “What?”

Apical: “He’s going to cast Swarm.”

Louis: “Halfling Assassin… the target he was studying is dead.”

Dan: “That is a good excuse to not get involved.”

…

Party: “Classic Schultz.”

Apical finally lands a successful stunning fist on Protector 4. Geornas immediately took advantage (8 points). Seizing his opportunity the (Angry Whore’s?) dog fails to bite Protector 4.

Smirking Man attached Faire Fire to Grimfavel and Big Jim.

Heleth defiantly empties the contents of a flask of oil at Burn Team 3′s feet (rolls a 1)…

Big Jim: “… you throw like a girl.”

As the snake continues to bite at Apical, Spandau contemplates adding the snake to his animal horde, but in typical Spandau fashion, puts nothing into action.

Apical: “No one should have to be burned when they are unconscious.”

Spandau takes a critical hit (5 points) from a rock and immediately bellyaches.

Grimfavel continued to miss…

Big Jim: “He do better just picking his pocket next time.”

Crossbowman 4 kills the dog….

Dan: “The dog died. This game is no longer fun.”

The poisonous snake bit Apical… SAVED!

The party erupted in anger when Keeper Acolyte stepped back and drank a potion for 7 points!

Big Jim (to Helenth): “Stop swooning over Lazy Drunk… every one of these drunks is a hard luck story… and it’s always not their fault.”

Old Thief goes down, dying doing what he loved, as is always the propaganda.

Halfing Assassin continues to study an opponent.

Dan: “He should put the assassin title in quotation marks.”

Montacore finally becomes un-paralyzed. After surveying, he decides he does not like Smirking Man. Smirking Man is understandably horrified. To his benefit Montacore rips Smirking Man apart – swallowing him in 1 round.

Spandau: “That’s what he gets for bringing a snake to a tiger fight… I am full of Marc Singer like pride.”

We start removing the mirror images.

Heleth recovers from her 1 round of blindness. EDITOR’S NOTE: I missed how she became blind, and I did not care enough to rewind and find out.

After a bad miss…

Big Jim: “No amount of Fairy Fire is gonna make that hit.”

Doppleganger takes off running…

Heleth: “Go after him Apical.”

Spandau: “Yeah use your Monk speed.”

Apical: “You mean the speed that allows me to move as fast as a normal man?”

Spandau: “I would but…well, I don’t like to sweat.”

The Prayer, from the start of the combat, finally wears off.

Spandau: “Spandau doesn’t sprint. That is beneath him.”

Andrew: “Thanks for running these games Louis. This is a lot of fun.”

Aaron: “Yeah, it is a lot of fun for him fucking us.”

Ornery Ex-Cooper goes down, but is stabilizes on his own.

The final mirror image is dismissed.

The Doppleganger starts to Blink. Limiting us to only being able to hit him with magical weapons (without taking a sizable penalty). This leaves Apical’s fists and Heleth’s +1 dagger.

Big Jim: “You better stab him with that or I’m taking it back.”

…

Rob: “I don’t bother. I’ll never roll a 20. I just hang out.”

Aaron: “Louis is starting to run out of shapes to throw on us.”

Rob: “May I suggest a rhombus… I like saying rhombus.”

Doppleganger creates a fog bank… then we all went into a fog as Louis lost power. Robbing us of the satisfaction of finishing off Doppleganger. We had to complete the rest over email (which is pending Louis).

Next Session

Apical should level, as will Heleth. We will have conversation with the tattered remains of the Thieves Guild/Skon. Later we will meet up with a female cleric of the Self Reliant. Apical is very excited.

After Dark

Sniveling Wayne developed a tick where he let lose a specific whine on his turn, so I present to you the Sniveling Wayne-isms…

• We’re in dire straits here.
• My mom didn’t hug me enough as a child. Whaa.
• I had to wear my brother’s hand me downs. Whaa.
• All the neighborhood kids called me names. Whaa.
• My genitals are 70% of average. Whaa.
• My hemorrhoids hurt when I sit down. Whaa.
• My knee aches when it rains. Whaa.
• I have elephantitis of the balls. Whaa.
• This guy is hard to hit. Whaaa.
• My arm is tired of throwing rocks. Whaa.
• I’m tired of staring at items for 24 hours. Whaa. At least I got to sit down during that. Whaa.
• The smell of urine makes me break out in hives. Whaa.

Andrew rolled HP for reaching level 2 for surviving last session. Rob noted how he has only been damaged once (foreshadowing). We gave Andrew shit for using an official C&C sheet instead of a single piece of paper, which is old school.

We began the session in front of the mysterious House in the slums, which the Thieves Guild had sent us to investigate. We sent Heleth to scout the circumference of the building.

Door Jam

Heleth: “Are these the people that set fire to your grandma Mr. Umbrage?”

Big Jim: “Uh, yeah. Let’s keep that as an option.”

We spent so much time in front of the house discussing a plan that two guards exited the front door to question us. They told us to beat feet, then headed back inside. Big Jim charged after them and caught the door before they closed.

Dan: “I think I’ll just chop ‘em down here. We have a good choke point.”

Inside we see several Masked Guards, Dwarven Warriors, a Servant, and a Doorman

Big Jim is critically hit by a rock in the face (2 points)…

Dan: “I am not going to run away like Confused Foreigner.”

Heleth and Zaxin crashed through a window into the dining hall, while the rest of us jammed up the front door.

Spandau pointed out a party deficiency so he could solve it by casting Barkskin on Apcial, then (ironically) commanded him to not run away. It did save Apical several hits, and Spandau took credit each and every time.

We managed to hit a fewMasked  Guards, but repeatedly did minimum damage.

Grizzled Refugee missed and pegged Apical in the back of the head with a rock.

Dwarf Warrior 1 critically hit Apical for 16 points, a long sword sinks painfully into his shoulder. Apical stepped back off the front line to quaff a healing potion and, not surprisingly, no one filled the hole.

Masked Guard 3 critically hit Apical in the other shoulder for 16 points.

Apical: “Oh god. I am going to have to hire someone to masturbate for me. Call me Oblong. That smarts.”

Doorman ran around the house throughout the entire combat, and finally slipped out.

We left a large pile of bodies at the front door.

Dan: “I swing at Masked Guard 3…. 10!”

Louis: “Miss”

Dan: “Fuck that.”

Louis: “Hit”

Andrew: “Do I roll damage?”

Dan: “No. It’s just enough knowing that you hit him.”

Andrew: “Excuse me. It is the first time I actually did damage since the game started.”

Louis: “If you don’t count stabbing a helpless dude in the knee.”

Ornery Ex-Cooper struck down (unconscious) by Masked Guard 4.

Spandau (moved his swarm): “Eat potential rabies!”

Zaxin gets hit with a Shocking Grasp and goes down (unconscious) as he climbs into the kitchen window.

Dan: “OK, now that we have baptized the foyer with blood…”

We finally cleared the entry and rejoined the kitchen party. Apical felled a Mage (calling guys at this level “Mage” is remarkably generous) engaged with the dining hall  party with an arrow.

Sniveling Wayne was ordered to stay behind and patch up Ornery Ex-Cooper.

Second Floor

We moved up the stairs to the second level. There the party encountered several Warriors, Crossbowmen, a Woman and others.

Louis: “Doorman goes through a door and closes it behind him… Doorman hides in the shadow.”

A time distortion prevented those still on the first floor from reaching the second floor in a timely fashion. Not entirely due to Spandau’s lackadaisical attitude.

Warrior 2 critically hit Apical, thankfully for a mere 2 points.

Crossbowman 3 takes down Grizzled Refuge (5 points), who goes down immediately (unconscious).

We noted our poor recent encounter history: fled from a Wight, murdered a lawyer, and now this.

Heleth and Servant began an “epic battle” in the back hallway.

Spandau was hit by Warrior, ending his perfect record of never taking damage. There was rejoicing from the party.

Spandau, in retaliation, moved his swarm onto Warrior… “Yeah! Feel the power of nature’s fury for those who dare hurl rocks upon Spandau!” (classic Rob)

Andrew: “Jesus, he is going to be dead before you finish the speech.”

Woman, perhaps related to his “lover”, repeatedly tried to peg Spandau with rocks.

Apical stepped around the corner, with his enhanced vision, and blew his load as he sees 5 guys 10 feet in front of Big Jim.

Big Jim: “The good thing about Heleth is she knows how to take a good punch.”

Apical: “Damn it! Is a never ending line of these fucking sneering crossbowman.”

Dan noticed that Confused Foreigner has been standing around action-less for awhile. Apparently he was trying to figure out this concept known as initiative.

After the prolonged battle Heleth made her first kill, of Servant.

Woman repeatedly popped out of hiding to pelt Spandau with rocks. Finally she beaned him good.

Dangerously close to death Apical was able to deflect some bolts to prolong his life.

A Wraith appeared suspiciously, after Mystery Woman appeared from a back room. Big Jim was immediately confident it was an illusion. The rest of us, who were a fair bit closer to the Wraith, were not so cavalier.

Aaron: “I scream ’UNDEAD!’ and get ready to book.”

Dan: “Dude, it’s an illusion.”

Aaron: “I am so glad you are willing to stick MY LIFE on that.”

Spandau begins another lenghty speech about harnessing the might of nature against the Woman throwing rocks.

Apical: “I am so glad you are having a dramatic fight in your mind with a woman and some rocks, while I am over here getting raped by a Wraith.”

Doorman kept appearing and disappearing just as quickly, using his mastery of portals.

Heleth: “I run into the kitchen.”

 Big Jim:”Thanks for that glorious contribution. The whole combat will now turn.”

A huddle of sneering crossbowmen, a mere 10 feet in front of Big Jim, but beyond his visual range, peppered him with shots.

Confused Foreigner was struck by the Wraith,. He stiffened and fell unconscious.

Big Jim: “Don’t worry it’s just illusionary damage. He only thinks he’s unconscious.”

Heleth fled to downstairs to the kitchen to look for oil to set the house aflame, and ran into Stocky Woman waiting for her with a sword.

Heleth: “Apickle…”

Apical: “It’s Apical! If I’m going to die, say my name right!”

Big Jim: “Those are his last words.”

The wraith continues to attack.

Spandau: “I have no confidence that this is an illusion.”

Big Jim: “It is an illusion.” (a stunning argument)

After trying to get Spandau to place his swarm on Mystery Woman so it will disrupt the possible illusionary Wraith…

Big Jim: “We are the worst adventuring party ever. Every time we have a lengthy debate about whether or not to go into combat .”

…

Spandau:(in regards to the Mystery Woman) “If this fails I am outta here.”

Big Jim: “Fine.”

Apical: “If this fails at least you will be between me and the Wraith. That is how you stay alive when you have to take care of yourself.”

Apical: “I almost lost both my arms.”

Spandau: “Yeah but I got hit with a rock!”

Helenth’s fight with the Stocky Woman spills out into the foyer. Helenth goes down, but Irritable Gnome steps up to the attack.

…

Mystery Woman goes down, but the Wraith remains hovering at the top of the stairs.

Spandau: “I have plenty (of HPs) left, but I still flee.”

Skon disappeared, circled around and appeared as he stumbled out from behind a Crossbowman in a backstab failure.

Louis: “Irritable Gnome chucks a rock at Stocky Woman.”

Spandau fails to disbelieve the Wraith…

Louis: “It is as real to you as anything.”

Spandau:(while running away)  ”YOU’RE FULL OF SHIT BIG JIM!”   editor’s note: No one ever calls him Jim. It is ALWAYS Big Jim, and no BJ.

…

Louis: “Spandau on the first floor, you see a Stocky Woman attempting to kill Irritable Gnome.”

Rob: “Fine. That means she’s not trying to kill me. …. I move at maximum speed towards the front door.”

Sniveling Wayne (near the front door with the unconscious body of Ornery Ex-Cooper): “Hey, what’s happening?”

Spandau: “RUN!” (Andrew suggested him saying: “ I’m going to get a wheelbarrow for all the gold!”)

Apical tried to sneak through another room to ambush Mystery Woman, but encounteres an empty room.

Louis: “Back on the first floor. Irritable Gnome pulls out a short sword and battles the Stocky Woman…. He misses completely.”

Louis: “Spandau?”

Rob: “I fucking slam the double doors shut and throw a Warp Wood spell on them to jam ‘em shut.”

Sniveling Wayne is trying to drag Ornery Ex-Cooper out the same doors behind him, but Spandau shoves him back in and slams the doors shut.

Sniveling Wayne: “You son of a bitch!”

…

Dan: “What is you’re alignment?”

Rob: “True Neutral.”

…

Louis: “Spandau, you can try your Warp Wood now.”

Spandau: “You can all so straight to hell! No one is following me!”

Dan: “You are definitely getting a sack beating for this.”

Aaron: “You are a horrible human being.”

Rob: “You have absolutely no evidence I am doing anything.”

Louis: “When you warp wood on the doors they shatter.”

Rob: “Good, I have saved the party.”

The door next to Apical opens and a Cloaked Man casts…something.

Aaron: (saving throw) “23!”

Louis: “You just fail.”

Aaron: “Are you kidding me?!”

Rob:(gleeful)  ”Looks like Spandau is starting his own adventuring party.”

Apical is now paralyzed, but thankfully Skon critically hits Cloaked Man. Earning severe praise.

Dan: “He gets a bonus this time… He can have Spandau’s share.”

The illusionary Wraith dissipates.

Irritable Gnome goes down, not in a good way, on Stocky Woman. He died. EDITOR’S NOTE: What will we do without Dancing Lights.

Spandau runs away.

Cloaked Man steps back and drinks a potion…

Rob: “Hey! That’s our loot!”

Her work done, Stocky Woman leaves.

Cloaked Man takes a critical hit from Big Jim, but survives. Cloaked Man takes off. Big Jim gives chase.

Apical regains feeling.

Big Jim follows Cloaked man down the hall and into a new room, running into the last Crossbowman and a gaggle of Skeletons. Cloaked Man then rudely heals himself, and proclaims…

Cloaked Man: “The power of Acen will defile you!”

Dan: “I am so sick of this guy.”

Aaron: “I know. I hate NPCs who heal themselves.”

Apical deftly deflects the arrow from Crossbowman 3. Skon takes down Crossbowman. Apical following the sounds of clanking weapons from down the hall…

Apical: “This way Skon!”

Apical lands a critical fist into Cloaked Man.

Apical: “Skon! Up here!”

Louis: “Skon is loitering, doing something, wherever he is.”

Apical: “Skon, get up here!”

Cloaked Man hits the room with a Soundburst; affecting Big Jim and the Skeletons (thanks to old school rules).

Apical: “Skon!”

Apical crunches a skeleton. Big Jim recovers from being stunned.

Cloaked Man commands Big Jim to DIE! Big Jim drops unconscious, but his armor protects him from the Skeleton’s feeble poking.

Doorman misses his chance to turn the tide.

Apical: “Skon!! Get over here.”

Rob starts rooting for the enemies so he can avoid a sack beating.

Louis: “Skon appears to be leaving!”

Big Jim/Apical: “You son of a bitch!”

Big Jim takes down Cloaked Man.

Louis: “Skon runs away.”

Apical: “You fucker. You went from hero to zero in about 3 seconds.”

Aaron: “Well I think everyone else is going to be removed from the charter, I tell ya that.”

In the aftermath…

Louis: “It appears as though Skon was rifling through the room of the Cloaked Man.”

Aaron: “Uh! He was getting something for the Thieve’s Guild, that piece of shit! That son of a bitch!”

Louis: “He saved your life only to screw you.”

We summed up the current party disposition: Confused Foreigner, Grizzled Refugee, Zaxin, and Heleth are unconscious but alive. Ornery Ex-Cooper and Sniveling Wayne ran off with Spandau. Irritable Gnome is dead.

Rob: “Spandau’s alive.”

Aaron: “He’s dead to us.”

The remnants of the party ransacked the remainder of the house. Big Jim was left with 5 HPs and Apical with 8 HPs. It is revealed that the Cloaked Man would have died several times except for his Prayer spell that reduced damage by 1 point.

Apical: “It may be time for Acen’s Angel’s to follow Gomwell through the secret passage to the East.”

Big Jim: “We have to wait for my Plate Mail to be finished.”

We discover a secret door, concealing a room of barrels…

Louis: “There are 6 barrels. Three are filled with ale, and 3 are filled with cheap wine.”

Aaron: “That is their secret? What is this, the House of Sobriety?”

In another secret room we found a chest with stinking bones and rags from peasants.

Aaron: “So far this house is a real disappointment. Other than we found out who our real friends are.” EDITOR’S NOTE: This is the real House of Pain.

We found another secret door, which led to an empty hallway, that led to another secret door. We uncovered a room filled with Undead. 3 Ghouls and six Zombies who, upon seeing Apical and Big Jim, lurched to attack. We tossed a torch in and hurriedly slammed the door.

We ran back to the foyer, quickly gathered the loot and unconscious fellows, and beat feet. The problem arose that we had four unconscious and could only carry three.

Dan: “I take Zaxin’s body and throw it in front of the secret door, so the ghouls start eating him and we can get away.”

Louis: “You realize he is still alive.”

Dan: “I don’t care.”

Naturally Andrew presented an argument in opposition. To whit Dan engaged, but in the end…

Dan: “Look, I am not going to stand here and have a debate with an unconscious woman.”

We then bravcly ran away as fast as we could.

Regrouping

We all ended up back together at the Honeycomb Hideout.

We told Heleth that Zaxin died defending us in a noble rear guard action. It was then pointed out that we had just let a pack of undead loose in the city streets.

Andrew: “You should but a call in.”

Dan: “How are we gonna put a call in? Anyway, they [the city watch] will figure it out quick enough when the zombies start eating people.” (foreshadowing)

Spandau was inside having a sandwich and sitting very close to the tiger.

Big Jim called in to our buddy. Spandau pokes his head out the door while eating a sandwich…

Spandau: “Oh hey, you guys survived.”

Big Jim: “No thanks to you, you fucker!”

Spandau: “blah, blah, blah… strategic retreat bull…. thought it was standard operating procedure that we see an undead and we book.”

…

Apical: “You are a piece of shit.”

…

Spandau: “I assumed the party was following me.”

Apical: “Apparently you didn’t stop to look behind you until you got back home and made a sandwich.”

…

Spandau: “What can I say. I am a high efficiency runner.”

Even Heleth and Sniveling Wayne gave Spandau shit.

Apical: “You’re on thin ice buddy.”

…

A lot of talk about the heroism of other party members who faught and took damage.

Spandau: “I have a bruise on my forehead.”

…

Heleth: “Coward… Pathetic… You sicken me.”

Spandau: “I sicked you because I fled more efficiently than you… Your fleeing abilities sicken me.”

Smart ass Spandau has a reasonable excuse up until…

Spandau: (about Helenth) “How would you know? I saw you unconscious at the feet of our gnomish friend fighting a stocky woman.”

Big Jim: “You mean you saw Irritable Gnome fighting this fat woman and you didn’t stop to help?”

Spandau: *long pause* “What do you mean?”

…

Spandau: “The gnome is a henchman, it is his job to perform rear-guard action.”

…

Big Jim: “If Sniveling Wayne is more brave than you are, what does that tell you?”

Heleth: “Yeah, he stayed at his post.”

Spandau: “He fled right behind me.”

Sniveling Wayne: “I saved Ornery Ex-Cooper… part of me thinks I was shoved back to be bait for oncoming monsters.”

Spandau: “No, I threw you clear of my shattering the doors so the rest of the party had a clear path of escape.”

Heleth tried to set fire to Spandau’s bed. Spandau directs the tiger into the bedroom after her…

Louis: “The tiger, seeing you drenched in blood, goes ape.”

Big Jim stopped the proceedings before things got out of control (ironic).

Big Jim grabs Spandau… “If you try to pull any of that shit again I am going to take your head off… running of and leaving us all to die… you left the combat area…”

A minor argument ensures as Heleth mistakenly drops some ashes in Apical’s room…

Spandau (muddling): “Excellent, draw the attention away from Spandau.”

The only thing that kept Spandau alive was the threat of the tiger. The party sleeps, until the morning…

Big Jim: “Give me some goodberries you asshole.”

Heleth buys a feast for everyone except Spandau, who eats a sandwich, then decided to intrude on the Gafilta’s pig roast next door.

Mr. Gafilta: “You’re with that suspicious crew that keeps a donkey outside.”

Spandau: “I don’t keep a donkey outside, some dick in my party does.”

Mr. Gafilta: “And someone over there sneaks into our latrine. I am sure of it.”

Spandau: “It’s that Halfling.”

…

Mr. Gafilta: “So you come begging for food here?”

Spandau: “Oh, I’m not begging… *long pause*… I’m telling…. We’re keeping this neighborhood safe.”

So Spandau buys the roasted pig and strolls through the Honeycomb Hideout to feast with his tiger.

Heleth (speaking about Big Jim): “He burns heretics, he’s not all bad.”

Big Jim: “That’s only because I was paid to.”

We visited the Shrine of the Waiting again to try to reach Jernix, but were told (by Brother Lerden) he has left for Dorath. He felt a sudden need to leave Sengazia for awhile.

Big Jim: “Well we could use some healing, brother, you know, while we are WAITING.”

Brother Lerden: “We do offering healing services to supporters of the Waiting.”

Big Jim: “Oh we support the Waiting big time.”

…

It is then suggested that, due to the party’s large size, that we might want to get a bigger place. We could certainly afford it.

Big Jim: “A mansion? It’s just gonna get burned down or taken over…. or beseiged by zombies. There’s no permanency here. I think we’re better of the way we are right now.”

We headed over to the Self-Reliant Shrine where Brother Meriam (the gossip) informed us of a horde of Undead running through the streets, only stopped at the cost of 12 men-at-arms…

Brother Meriam: “It is always useful to have the power of Acen to confront the Undead.”

Apical: “Speaking of the power of Acen; do you have any staltworthy young men who might want to follow us around in a huddled mass then encounter things and then break off into individual groups to deal with it in our own ways.”

Spandau compared The Self-Reliant to a reverse Voltron.

Louis: “Last session with the lawyer was the worst plan since we pulled the guy’s head off with a rope.”

Salesmanship

Heleth tried her hand at bargaining as Dankesh was royally pissed at Big Jim and, by extention, the rest of the party.

Dankesh: “You skin me and skin me again and still I listen to you, then you throw salt in my raw wound.”

Savio: “Are you looking to sell or do you want to put it up on consignment?”

Apical: “Fuck consignment.”

We completed selling the loot and called it a night. We gave Spandau the shaft with him getting 1 less GP in the division. During leveling up Andrew learned we are not playing 1st edition DnD. Dan took umbrage at us complaining that the system sucks.

Wrap Up

Dan (speaking about hirelings): “Most of the time they don’t realize we’re adventuring until the Kobold female throws the first rock.”

Another argument broke out over the death of Zaxin. Dan left him to die because of loyalty to the party.

Dan: “We didn’t kill him. The ghouls killed him… He wasn’t really a party member… He was your paid lackey… Who am I going to choose? Someone who has been with us awhile or some paid jerk you are going to use as your professional back-stabber against us?”

It was then brought up that Big Jim really shouldn’t have a Chaotic Good alignment after the fight with the lawyer and the incident with Zaxin.

Dan: “It was for the greater good. He’s chaotic greater good.”

Rob: “…oh yeah, our great duel against the lawyer.”

We yelled at Rob some more and he pointed out that we had fled the horde of undead at the end. Dan then said we had only a few hit points left and had no choice.

Louis: “Plus those ghouls have a paralyzing touch.”

Dan “Actually my character didn’t know that either, I just got scared shit-less.”

We agreed that we each fled in terror at some point, but Rob took it to 11.

Slow Start

Rob had the bright idea of moving his computer on top of his desk, so his sound improved greatly.

There have been no more shakedowns at the stick-and-urine store.

We tried to get Confused Foreigner to write so we could decipher, but the idiot is illiterate. While thinking of options we fell into another pit of deep campaign history in recounting that all the Sages were run out of town. Spandau came up with the of using the Tongues spell as a route to solving the mystery.

Some earthen fortifications has been built around Sengazia.

Jorge: “I’m busy looking at this dagger, would ya keep it down.”

Heleth requested soap for cleaning…

Spandau: “I could whip up some…”
Big Jim: “No. No thank you.”

Selling Spree

We have a quick discussion if “douche” is a sundry.

Rensil’s Sharp Objects

Heleth’s warped perception of value was ruining our negotiations.

In another stunning display of salesmanship…

Big Jim: “Oh! Oh! Oh! Why don’t you rape my grandmother’s dead mouth right now!”
Rensil became upset that this.
Big Jim: “He’s being a real ass tick today.”

Rohan’s Medium Armory

Big Jim: “What’s our relationship with him?”
Apical: “He is pretty chipper and has a high tolerance for our bullshit.”

There was some talk of cutting his (Rohan) children’s rations because of the deal Big Jim wanted.

We learned that only veterans of at least 2 battles are given a medium steel shield.

On our way out Rohan offered us some enchanted studded leather. Spandau spoke up, but then remembered his recently gotten fancy-looking armor. Big Jim questioned if Heleth could wear studded leather, to whit Louis stated she would take a penalty to her thief abilities. This seemed odd so Dan questioned why…

Louis: “Because this is an old school game, and they brown you at every opportunity. That’s why…. I’m just saying.”

Rohan: “You have already skinned me so much for silver I am raw.”

Valerie’s Flails and Sundries

Louis: “Valeria is a relatively ugly Half Orc.”

We started to make amends by asking for a douche. She bacame verbally abusive towards us.

Big Jim: “We have this lovely light mace we thought you would like.”
Valerie: “Is this a peace offering?”
Big Jim: “No, of course not.”
*long pause*
Valerie: “TWO SILVER”
Big Jim: “FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!”
…
Heleth (meekly to Valerie): “I’m very sorry.”

We left Valerie’s even more endeared than whence we entered.

Spandau complained that no one has counter help.

SIDE NOTE: Basic Outfitters has a lot of counter help, all wearing the same outfit, except manage who wears a scarf.

Praveen’s Leathery Goods

We talked of more deaths in the family, it is going around. Spandau laughs. Heleth cries.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Thank Acen Heleth’s life to this point was so sheltered, otherwise how the hell was she experiencing enough in this session to gain a level.

While trying to sell some hide armor…

Praveen: “Anything else for sale?”
Big Jim: “Yeah, 12 hide armors.”
Spandau: “You can enchant those.”
Praveen: “Ohhh… these barely look fit for Humans.. look, this has the stain of feces.”
Big Jim: “No, that’s just a new soap we’re using.”
Praveen: “Someone has sewn a tail into the hide.”
Big jim: “That’s decoration. It should raise the price.”
Praveen: “Here, they’ve used the anus for flexibility.”
Spandau: “That’s a feature.”

Hunting Supply Store

On the way Dan uncovers the mysterious “House” on the map, but that is a story for another time.

We fed her the standard grandmother death scheme…

Spandau: “The advantage of the long bow is it is not susceptible to damp conditions.”
Apical: “And the rainy season is upon us.”
Dan: “I guess that history degree paid off after all.”
…
Big Jim (Wailing over the price offered): “Will my grandmother have to be buried in a paupers grave?”
Spandau: “Perhaps some sort of half dug ditch in a backyard.”
Argolon: “I’m sorry sir, but I am not responsible for your grandmother’s burial.”
Big Jim: “Well, you almost are.”
…
Big Jim: “And she left left us these many slings from her many Halfling lovers.”

Argolon: “Crossbows are useful for hunting two legged game…”
Big Jim: “Ooh, who cares.”

Basic Outfitters

We are offered the basic rates for our items.
Big Jim: “2 gold and 5 silver! It is a warhammer! It has war in the name!”
…
Smith: “At Basic Outfitters we endeavor to service people of all reading levels (there is a unique, gritty statement).”

Upper Class Protection

The wall around the Noble District has paused to work on the wall outside the city (only the Noble District of course). There is an increase in guard patrols around the Noble District.

We noticed the Keepers “fortress” is surrounded by an array of henchmen. We grabbed a guy on the street to question him about the fortress. This quickly escalated when Big Jim rummaged through the guy’s pockets. He screamed, claiming robbery. Big Jim pushed him down, then Spandau kicked him. Big Jim yelled, “HERETIC” and we walked away.

Dan: “This time we were the random encounter.”

Heleth tried to hide in the shadows while Spandau loudly pointed out her position.

EDITOR’S NOTE: After he umpteenth time listening to Dan bargaining, it is quite clear Big Jim is nicer to the merchants in the Noble District.

Self Reliant Shrine

On learning the tenant of the Self Reliant
Heleth: “Maybe that is why my brother died.”
Brother Meriam: “Well, you can’t say he failed just because he died. After all everyone dies.” (eerily similar to the past precept that 98 of all people who died ate)

We asked for a Tongues spell, but Brother Meriam has never heard of Acen granting his priests this spell.

Louis: “You can’t assume Acen grants all clerical spells.”
Rob: “I most certainly can. it is my right as a PC.”
Louis: “Well you can assume it, but you may find out otherwise.”

We found out that in recent years the Lords have been passing laws to prevent wizards from offering their services to the general public.

Heleth makes a donation on the way out…
Heleth: “I’m sorry it can’t be more.”
Brother Meriam: “In the future after you have relied on yourself I am sure you will amass more wealth.”
Dan: “To give to us.”
Aaron: “Well they need that money for all the individual escape tunnels they are building.”

Salesmanship

We check in with the store. Louis informs us Ornery Ex-Cooper and Sniveling Wayne are not the best salesmen. SHOCK! Sniveling Wayne is whiny and Ornery Ex-Cooper pisses people off. Apical thinks business is kept away cause we have not “played the game” or a status symbol without a roof over the stand – this irrational fear of rain is being brought up again and again.

Apical haggled with Joran’s Cloth, for a tent, with no poles, and several holes, to use as a cover to the stick and urine store. It is just good enough that the Watch will not think we are a lean-to.

Louis: “OK, you pay 4 gold for a ripped tent top.”

Heleth will spend the next few nights sewing the holes, while Spandau is in charge of poles.

We noticed Eastern Wagons in the Market Square…
Apical:”That is blasphemous!”
Heleth: “It is on the eastern part of the square.”
Apical: “I dunno, they still seem like they should be hassled.”

We meet Skon at the stick and urine store. Skon reports THEY were disappointed we did not get everything back. We will meet again, half an hour before eye close. They are happy about the damage we did (heads).

Big Jim: “You didn’t mention anything else?”
Skon: “Anything else? What do you mean?”
Big Jim: “Damn it, you know what I’m talking about.”
*long pause*
Skon: “I don’t know what you mean.”

…Big Jim: “They are trying to fuck us over. Get your weapons ready we are going to do some fucking ourselves.”

From here the part split up.

Big Jim and Apical checked in with the Crusade. The potions allow you to pass as an Orc or Hobgoblin (or Goblin/Kobold for smaller beings), and speak their language from one eye open until the next. We need to establish a price with the Thieve’s Guild, then the Crusade will give us money.

Big Jim: “OK, one thing we are not going to do is look into the death of the nobles, because I don’t care.”

Poles

Apical: “Poles are basically sticks, and sticks are outside. That is druid’s work.”

Rob: “I am going foraging, but am really going down to 4th Street.” (to the whore houses)

Spandau’s adventure to 4th Street deserves an audio clip.

Spandau takes Grindek’s suggestion to steal some poles from the public burning stand, but ends up stealing poles from a beggar’s lean-to.

Communications

We inquired at the Adventurer’s Guild about hiring someone to help us communicate with Confused Foreigner. Again we heard of the outlawing of selling wizard spells. Acen is fucking us.

SIDE NOTE: It was noted here that NPCs that are helpful and polite are a sign of poor roleplaying.

We placed Leonard of Acen post-humously on and off the charter. Then added Heleth (too soon).

We go back and get all our guys to bring to meet the Thieve’s Guild…
Big Jim: “I have a feeling they are gonna try to fuck us, and I want to show a force.”

Spandau is pissed at his custom bed not being delivered on time. He threatened to given them a booting.
Spandau: “I’ll warp the shit our of their store!”

Den of Thieves

We move out meet the Thieve’s Guild…

Louis: “There may be countless guys in windows with crossbows.”
Dan: “No doubt. We brought enough guys so we probably won’t be shot immediately.”

We stuck to the story that “there is nothing left ALIVE back there”.

The party haggled with the thieves. They wihsing to know where all of their stolen loot was,a dn we insisting that it had been probably been shipped back East. Then the theieves mentioned a mysterious house were some group was holed up. Instead of all 12 potions, they give us 6 now and the other 6 once we investigate the mysterious house. After this the party planned to part ways with the thieves.

Together we postulated a number of things; that the Lordshome nobles are trying to take over all of the West, and there is no real threat from the East. The Thieve’s Guild cannot investigate these things themselves.

The house in the slums may have something to do with an external group; a group that has been spreading plaque in the streets. Outbreaks of the “Groin Fire” are everywhere. Spandau looked around nervously.

Big Jim (to Thieve’s Guild): “You send some of your boys out to warn some of these lords… then we can stir them up against each other. Then they will destroy each other. Then we can rise up as lords of the city.”

NOTE: The limit on what makes a group and army is now 200. We all missed this during play.

Big Jim: “It’s pay day for the plebs.”
…
We considered the division of spoils

Apical: (to Heleth) “Don’t worry your not getting your hands on that platinum.”

We divvied up the shit and start the next morning.

Louis: “As the items get more powerful the staring may take longer, or you may need better people to stare at it.”
We considered hiring several people just to stare at stuff, in shifts.
*insert jokes about qualified starer*
*insert Andrew’s assertions about identifying*
Louis: “I don’t know where your getting any of that stuff. I’m not doing any of that. This is Castles and Crusades man. This is garbage.”

A runner appeared at the house to inform us: “I wanted to let you know the delivery crew will be here sometime between mid-day and eye close.” (with Spandau’s custom bed)
…
Messenger: “Will all animals be secure?… Have an adult here?”
Andrew: “God, even the bed delivery is gritty in this game.”
Aaron: “In what game have you ever had a custom bed ordered and delivered. Let alone have to roleplay the delivery in multiple stages.”

QUESTION: Why was the bed late?

In the morning Big Jim approaches Ornery Ex-Cooper and Sniveling Wayne…
Big Jim: “Don’t you have some urine to sell?”

We headed to the Adventurer’s Guild. While Apical and Big Jim spoke to a translator for Confused Foreigner, Heleth hired a bold young man as a bodyguard. When asked if he had ever killed someone…

Zaxin: “I hit him over the head with a bar stool, and then I stood on his neck until he was dead.”
…
Heleth: “Do you swear to Acen?”
Zaxin: “Of course. I swear I will serve you faithfully each week you pay me 2 gold.”
Zaxin is rather loquacious.

Big Jim visited Upper Class Armorers to order Plate Mail, the kind that works.

Macharia, a traveling bard and general loremaster, answered our ad for someone experienced in languages. He told us a fantastically entertaining story of an Ank-Ank…
Macharia: “It erupted out of the ground and devoured the man next to me…. I watched in horror as a man was melted before my very eyes!”

After some incoherent babbling with Confused Foreigner Macharia told us Foreigner’s language is a little like Hobgoblin, and seems like an ancient dialect of Common. He translated literally a few words: forgetting, crypt, mummy

Macharia asked him something about Acen but when Foreigner tried to say something his lips seemingly glued together.

Spandau: “Sounds like we need to keep this guy around.”
Big Jim: “Then I am glad he didn’t get perforated with arrows.”

Paper Pushers

We next visited the city clerk to find our who owns the mysterious house.

FORESHADOWING… Big Jim: “Apical you want to take case of this. I’m going to strangle this guy.”

Big Jim grabs the clerk…
Clerk: “Hey!? Are you threatening me?”
Big Jim: “No, I’m trying to get your attention.”

After the clerks sent the one with a limp to fetch the files, we learned the house is owned by “The Society for the Protection of Wellness” and the paperwork was signed for by a lawyer named Balosa. We tried to bribe the clerks with “Mr. Platinum Piece” but they were too stupid or naive to know what a bribe is.

We promptly left for Balosa’s office. It, luckily, was a separate building, set apart. As we approached we noticed a “dude in a cloak” standing outside…
Louis: “… kind of a swarthy complexion…”
Big Jim: “Sounds kind of evil.”

The dude asked us who were were, and after a long pause we told him we were from the Society of Wellness. He opened the door to check with Balosa and we burst in…

Spandau: “Out of the way functionary.”
Big Jim: *draws his sword* OK, try it pretty boy I’ll split you in two.”

Spandau hauls the cloaked guy inside.

Louis: “OK, how many of you are you trying to pile in the door?”
Dan: “You don’t have to say it in such an undignified manner.”

Balosa: “And what organized crime do you represent?”
*several people*: “Uh, no one. Nobody. We’re highly disorganized.”

Balosa wasn’t too cooperative at first (hard to imagine)…

Balosa: “You’d be well advised to leave it alone.”
Dan: “I bash the guard in the head…”

As the fight breaks out, Jernix leaves the room. Spandau nabs a Knickknack Type A. Apical knocks Balosa unconscious. Big Jim criticals the guard. Spandau kills the cloaked man.

In retrospect we are screwed as Jernix saw us commit murder. Kind of.

Apical casually walks down the street and steals a rain barrel. We shove the Balosa in the barrel, set the office on fire and casually walk out.

Suddenly we had a concern about the guy we just hired…
Heleth: “There were very bad people.”
Zaxis: “I believe you.” (as long as the 2 gold a week keeps coming)

In the quintessential example of bad timing, as we get back to the house with the kidnapped Balosa, the delivery service shows up. Four guys carry the bed in and take an extra long time setting it up perfectly because Spandau paid for the extra service. We hide the barrel in the kitchen (next to Jorge starring) until they leave.

After being dragged in front of the tiger Balosa was more colloquial. He reported that the representatives he dealt with from the Society for the Protection of Wellness implied they are in league with the Keepers. Bastards!

The questioning ended abruptly when Heleth stabbed Balosa in the knee. Louis enjoyed this in-character conversation immensely.

The recording died here when Skype died during play, but we were almost complete.

We dumped the guy in the barrel under one of slum houses, and then we did a little scouting around the mysterious house. Louis lectured Andrew on how lighting works in MapTool.

This was not only the longest session yet, but end-to-end the best, providing a plethora of verbal gems. Andrew joined us, so we had 5 people on the line. It was noticeably harder to get a word in with the extra player, but after a short time we all naturally adjusted.

Making Introductions

We started outside the cave of The Menacing Mr. Cliff Stronghold. One of the first comments was regarding Grizzled Refugee being an ex-brewer without a brewing hammer. What is a brewing hammer?

A bald guy, wearing priest robes and a large symbol of Acen, sauntered into our camp. He was shaking his finger in the air… “You there!”

The normal considerations were offered up…

Spandau: “Get ‘em!”

Big Jim: “Sick the tiger on him!”

… followed by our typically colloquial first meeting…

Spandau: “So bald fatman, what brings you out into these high woods?”

Apical: “Is he actually fat?”

Spandau: “I just assume he’s fat.”

…

Unknown Stranger: “I am looking for a way back to town.”

Big Jim “We have one here. It is a secret passage. Right this way.”

Louis: *laughter*

Spandau: “This is really suspicious.”

Apical: “Do you know how to throw rocks?”

Unknown Stranger: “Why?

Spandau: “Are you a spy sent from our enemy Cliff Stronghold?”

Apical: “You have rather oily looking skin, perhaps we can interest you in some unguents?”

Spandau: “That’s true. We have quite a collection.”

Unknown Stranger: “Ooh!”

Apical: “Made with only the finest urine.”

Unknown Stranger: “Excuse me?”

Apical: “Never mind”

Unknown Stranger: “Did you say urine?”

Apical: “No. Where are you from?

Unknown Stranger: “Down south. Fennelton.”

Apical: “So your from Fennelton huh? You don’t look like a brewer.”

Unknown Stranger: “I’m not. Idiot.”

We learned this mysterious stranger is a devote priest of The Waiting, just like Jernix.

Jernix: “Maybe he has some sense after all.”

Spandau: “Why don’t you wait around out here while we go inside and handle business.”

Big Jim: “No. No. No. You can come along inside no problem.”

Louis: *laughter*

Apical: “What kind of abilities do you have… mister, what is your name?”

Unknown Stranger: “Zabi”

Big Jim: “Your voice is kind of funny. A little bit more high pitched.” (EDITOR’S NOTE: Do I smell some pre-game collusion?)

Zabi: “That is because I am Zabi the Eunuch.”

Spandau: “Ewww!”

*Zabi the Eunuch raises his arms hands towards the sky (presumable for some religious proclamation)*

Rob: “I have to test this guys story out. I run up and kick him in the nuts.”

*collective laughter*

Andrew: “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Rob: “I take advantage of your moment of weakness.”

Apical: “Too bad you didn’t have augury, you could have foreseen this coming.”

Jernix: “I bet he wasn’t waiting for that.”

Andrew: “Does it hurt when you kick a eunuch?”

Louis: “It is like being kicked in the ass. Or an old scar.”

Big Jim: “I don’t see how getting your nuts chopped off qualifies as being blessed.”

Apical: “Did you volunteer for this?”

Zabi (matter of factly): “Yes”

Apical: “Then there is no way I could be a member of the Waiting. I wouldn’t know what to do with all my free time.”

Jernix: “I am perfectly capable of waiting while banging out a few.”

Big Jim: “You can go in front because you have less to lose.”

We recanted the tale of Chris’s “36 Second Cleric”. He came upon us in an alley, while we were beating on some people. As it looked bad, he jumped in on their behalf. In six rounds he was done.

Big Jim: “We are going back to the city, through this secret passage, to avoid the Goblin hoards.”

Zabi: “So you’re handy with a blade then?”

Big Jim Umbrage: “What do you mean I am handy with a blade?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN BY THAT!”

Louis” *laughter*

Louis: “Big Jim Umbrage takes umbrage…. once again.”

Big Jim: YOU KNOW I AM A REAL HUMAN BEING WITH THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. I AM NOT JUST SOME HACK MACHINE!”

Zabi entered the monastery as a young man. He was more congenial with Apical when he learned that he too spent some time in a monastery. Zabi’s monastery is no more. Proto-Humans and Zombies have been attacking Fennelton for weeks.

Zabi (speaking to Skon): “What ails you my son?”

Big Jim: “What the hell is wrong with this guy? Why does he talk so funny?”

When Zabi spoke to Skon he received an unexpected burst of personality.

Spandau: “Turns out you needed to speak to him normally.”

We noted that Skon gets poisoned a lot.

Zabi: “If I may join you I must gather my belongings.”

Apical: “What supplies?”

Spandau: “How much are they worth?”

Apical: “One more thing. You don’t have any interest in sticks and urine do you?”

*Big Jim laughs*

Zabi looks at Apical like he is an idiot.

Apical: “Good”

Andrew inspects the map…

Andrew: “Oh man, are all these guys part of your group?”

Aaron: “Yeah”

Andrew: “I didn’t realize there was such a huge party hanging out.”

Dan: “Don’t worry. It will thin out soon.”

Zabi heads back to get his supplies and his sister (and his donkey). Spandau volunteers to accompany him, but loses out cause he kicked him in the balls.

Zabi’s sister is a young (19ish), good-looking, non-mono-boob, unkempt, no toe-ring, burlap-smock-wearing, dirty waif. Zabi assured us she works hard. Her name is Heleth.

Louis starts looking for a token for the donkey…

Dan: “Do you have a token for my chamber pot, else I am jealous.”

Aaron: “If you do, then it better look nicer than the token for my chamber pot.”

Apical extends his hand to Heleth in friendship. She timidly shakes it but does not say anything. Zabi glares at her as if to say “Don’t fuck this up.”

Dan: “I knew this was a setup.”

Aaron: “We are going to find out that Andrew beats her on watch.”

Dan: “Oh… that’s alright.”

Rob: “Yeah, I’m fine with that.”

It is clear that Zabi treats his donkey better than his sister.

Zabi: “And this is Blue (donkey).”

Apical” “That is a fine ass you have Zabi.”

Zabi: “He is very sturdy and earns his keep.”

Andrew (as Zabi): “I stick close to my ass and make sure no one kicks him in the balls… strange customs here in the north.”

Andrew is exposed to MapTool… Dan draws a penis. Louis swears.

We discussed how you can just make up whatever holy symbol you want. There are no official symbols. Spandau’s is a twig and two berries. Jernix’s symbol is a mini sundial with symbol of infinity on the back.

Louis demanded this appear in the blog…

Andrew: “We are the worst roleplayers ever. We have no inflection. We have no… It is nice. I am so used to people fucking freaking out when you are not doing everything perfect.”

Louis: “What is this a LARP!?”

Andrew: “Yeah, that’s how they play now. All the younger people play now. That’s what they do. It’s so nice to be able to relax.”

Louis: “That’s because their own lives suck.”

*laughter*

Louis: “I want to see that in the blog entry.”

Aaron: “Hey, I’m recording.”

Louis: “Damn right! … their excuse for acting up and acting all fancy and you know weird is basically their lives suck. And probably underlining that are some suppressed uncertainties about their own sexuality.”

*laughter*

Concerning Zabi’s comments on Skon’s condition…

Louis: “He’s got 2 spider fang marks in his right arm.”

Andrew: “Are they all infected and inflamed?”

Louis: “No they’re not infected. Their just fresh.”

Dan: “We gave him a bandage and told him to suck it up. That usually works.”

…

Skon: “Well, I could really use the healing.”

Big Jim: “Oh listen to him.”

Zabi: “Kneel and pray with me.”

*Big Jim laughs*

Skon: “Is that really necessary? I mean, I’ll do it.”

Zabi: “If you wish Acen to heal you of your hurts yes, of course.”

Big Jim says something about also gaining a free vagina.

…

Andrew (describing Zabi): “His hands are real soft, and he massages over the wound.”

As is our MO Skon is healed 1 HP to a raucous crowd laughing in appreciation. This guy belongs with us.

Dan: “The Touch of Acen. Softens your hands while you heal wounds.”

Big Jim (addressing Heleth): “If we see any Kobold females I’ll take care of ‘em real quick.”

Big Jim tells Heleth to stick close to him.

Big Jim: “If anyone attacks from the front there is usually one coming from behind, and the one in the front is the weakest, so dive in front of me.”

NOTE: We are only 45 minutes into the session at this point.

When Zabi pulled out a bandage we learned it only takes a clean cloth to make a bandage. This drive a discussion on if we should expand our stick and urine store to include bandages.

Apical: “Is it really a bandage after to had been soaked in urine?” This is very Zen.

Big Jim: “Hey Leonard of Acen, what do you think about this so called holy man? *He’s always got something good to say.*

Leonard of Acen: “Well let’s see… *walks over to Zabi*… What do you think should be done wit non-believers?”

Zabi: “They should be burned!”

Apical: “You talk about being a holy man like it’s some special thing. There’s lots if people here that worship Acen.”

Big Jim: “Yeah! (bitch)”

Apical: “Like the whole world.”

Zabi: “Does the group have horses?”

Big Jim: “No. Besides they’d just get chopped up and eaten at some point.”

We briefly contemplated a goodberry scam, where we mix a few goodberries in a bowl with normal berries. Urine, sticks, and goodberries. Hmm… seems a natural progression.

Spandau argued that girls love the forbidden fruit, while Zabi contested that a gentleman presenting an odour of urine is “real nice”.

Jernix: “I am ready to wait for Acen, but I am not willing to wait for any more of this banter.”

We entered the cave…

Enter Cliff Stronghold

We told Heleth to gather some rocks in case she has to “mark the trail”.

We are now in a rush to cram every one of our fucks into the uber-narrow cave after an hour of fucking around outside. The tiger waits outside, but the donkey is dragged along.

There is a fucking calamity of voices as we pile into the cave, including Louis choking on his Mountain Dew…

IMPORTANT! This short (3:24) section is a microcosm of the collective roleplaying experience we provide. I stopped trying to report on this as I could simply not do it justice. The audio is well worth your time.

Just as Big Jim bashed open the door we heard, “ready…”

Apical (thinking a lightning bolt or catapult was about to come down the corridor at us): “GET BACK!”

We pushed the column of feebs back down the hallway briefly before continuing.

EDITOR’S NOTE: When making my initial notes I noticed I often mistype “Big Jim” and “Bug Jim”. Perhaps this is more appropriate

Big Jim: “We need a point man. Get Confused Foreigner up here since he doesn’t know what the hell is going on…. Keep moving until you are riddled with arrows, then you can stop.”

Amidst a lot of pushing and shoving we managed to slowly progress down the corridor. Confused Foreigner begrudgingly led the way, with Big Jim egging him forward at every corner.

After awhile we encountered a crossbowman, slingers, and some ax-men. Dan was irate Louis gave the donkey an initiative, while Grizzled Refuge slowed down the column.

Big Jim: “What I wouldn’t give for a cave full of Kobold females again… Get ready to get that moldy sandwich back. Confused Foreigner is about to bite it.”

Combat was aggravating at best as Murphy’s Law intervened to ensure the guy at the front of the column continually held the slowest initiative.

Confused Foreigner took a critical hit from a sling off the bat.

It was a good thing Zabi was at the back of the column, so he had no idea what was going on at the head of the column. It worked out well for his impression that we were traversing a short cut.

Big Jim: “Confused Foreigner ran because he took a rock to the face. What a pussy.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: I have continually paused because my eyes are tearing up. This is some of the best roleplaying, right up our alley, a gaggle of buffoons trying to move down a thin corridor.

Big Jim takes a critical in the head from a sling. Undaunted, Big Jim cuts the ax-men down while Confused Foreigner hesitated to advance, but eventually settled at a corner where we could squeeze past him. The column-dwellers started to grab and pull at each other to exchange positions in order to advance.

At this point we could write a book about caves with all our experience, but clearly we have learned very little.

There was talk of how a bandage makes a serviceable sling, so it doubles for offense and defense. Another possible addition to the stick and urine empire.

Apical (in reference to Confused Foreigner): “You know we can’t expect a lot from a guy who gets paid in sandwiches.”

After this combat was over we moved on.

Second Level

Big Jim fell into a pit. Again. We then remembered to do the blind man pole thing.

We encountered a ladder, leading up to a second level. To whit we sent Confused Foreigner.

As we continued down yet another blasted corridor, Zabi grabbed a torch off the wall so the back half of the line could see, instead of pushing each other in the dark.

While waiting for an extended period for the column to proceed up the ladder (except the donkey), Zabi broke into his liquor supply. Spandau delayed ascending the ladder as he is afraid of heights.

Zombies!

Dan: “Initiative doesn’t matter because we are all in a fucking single ass line!”

Apical: “From now on all you fuckers in the back hold your action until the asshole in front you you moves, so maybe we can get something done.”

Zabi: “At least I can see the zombie this time, last time I didn’t even see it.”

Berserkers! (no parlaying)

Even the new guy, Zabi, noted Spandau’s cowardice.

Zabi grabs Irritable Gnome and hauls him on his shoulders…

Dan: “You gently pull him up with your soft, subtle hands.”

Irritable Gnome fails to climb onto Zabi’s shoulders, so it looks like they are gropping each other, but there is nothing to grab on Zabi. Basement!

Big Jim and the favored son, Leonard of Acen, formed up front with Apical firing arrows form behind.

Louis: “Zabi (your turn)?”

Zabi: “I watch the head of the guy in front of me.”

Louis: “Spandau?”

Spandau: “I lean against the wall and drink from my wineskin.”

Zabi: “I take a swig and pass my wineskin to the Gnome.”

Irritable Gnome: “This is no time for drinking damn you!”

The Bersekers stopped advancing so we advanced down the corridor. Leonard of Acen tried to coax them into the open… “I went berserk on your mom!”

Big Jim: “I would say take prisoners but they are just going to strangle them during interrogation again.”

We spied a bunch of archers, Protector, and Leader!

Spandau finally entered the room to club the stunned guy.

Big Jim and Leonard of Acen went after Protector while the rest of us took on the archers. The group got excited when we realized Protector has plate mail, but were quickly disappointed when we realized he is a Dwarf.

Everyone finally got into a large room and they still bottled up near the entrance.

Witch!

Spaudau failed to charm an archer. Confused Foreigner hit an archer.

Protector swings at Leonard of Acen… critical!

Big Jim: “Nice knowing you Leonard.”

Louis: “18 points of damage”

Leonard of Acen went from 1 point down to -11 in a single blow.

Big Jim: “Well, at least we’ll get our long sword back.”

Louis: “He stuck it into his liver and twisted and pulled his entrails out onto the floor.”

Zabi: “Did he do that cool thing where he flicks his wrist and the arc of blood …”

Big Jim: “Hey! Hey! Hey! This is Leonard of Acen we’re talking about. He’s one of the guys we actually liked.”

Big Jim: “Alright you clerics, from now on you concentrate completely on cure light wounds. No more of this light shit.”

Spandau: (finally entering the room): “I declare an end to this. I will now unleash the full furry of nature’s power…”

Big Jim: “Would you just get your insects out here please.”

Zabi, tired of being trapped behind the group plows into the man in front of him, failing. He stumbles backwards. We were reminded of the infamous “bowled over by a fat one”.

Witch attacks Seeker with spiritual weapon… Seeker goes down dead immediately.

Louis: “Rolling a CON check… 1.”

Zabi: “I’d say he is now one with Acen but demi-huans have no souls.”

Irritable gnome, on Zabi’s shoulders, rolls a 1 on his attack. He then fails his DEX check and crashed to the floor, tumbling backwards, and lands in Leonard of Acen’s entrails.

Leader backstabs Confused Foreigner, who goes down, but not dead… yet.

Apical: “We are not fighting Kobold ladies anymore.”

Big Jim (regarding Confused Foreigner): “At least we can get those 3 javelins back.”

Spandau: “And those sandwiches.”

Big Jim: “They probably spilled out all over the floor.”

Big Jim (referring to Heleth): “Hey, if she’s not doing anything she doesn’t get a share of the loot.”

Zabi: “My sister? She doesn’t get any loot. She cooks and cleans. That’s’ her job. She gets to eat. That’s her reward.”

The Leader woke up from being stunned and booked… he ran through a curtain in the other room. Witch tried to follow after but was taken down by the insect swarm. Big Jim ran through the curtain and found Leader who was standing immediately on the other side, flanked by zombies. Apical ran in behind Big Jim. Grizzled Refuge retreated. The rest of the group marched up the curtain, but not through it.

Zabi: “What the fuck is this, a game of chess? move up!”

Apical steps through the curtain, and nails Leader when he puts his fist out in front of him and runs blindly through the curtain.

Louis: “Grizzled Refuge…”

Big Jim: “What does he do? Let’s see his ‘big move’.”

Louis: “He moves up. Spandau?”

Leader screamed something about Acen, Lord of the Undead. This angered Zabi.

Big Jim: “Well, technically, since he is the only deity, he is.”

In general the group was partially befuddled by the curtain and everyone refused or failed to tear it down, including Geornas, until Zabi finally succeeded.

Big Jim downed Leader. Apical ka-blam-oh’d a zombie, leaving brains under his fingernails. Zabi then downed the last zombie. We hauled the bodies back into the previous room to strip the bodies.

Spandau takes the expert leather armor…

Spandau: “I’ll take the -1 AC for the better look (referring to the face that “expert” implies a fancier finish than his Cure Boil).”

Big Jim: “For gods sake. OK, what are you going to put back in?”

Spandau: “You can have my qua-vu-lay.”

Big Jim: “Your what?!”

Spandau: “The proper way to pronounce it is qua-va-lay.”

Louis: “Not in Vestibule it isn’t.”

Jernix scores the Dwarf-sized Plate Mail…

Spandau: *complain*

Big Jim: “Hey, he’s been around longer than you. He’s very useful.” (This coming from the man who frequently receives 1HP at a time in healing from Jernix.)

Andrew (as we tally up every liitle thing we can get our hands on): “I can’t believe you guys keep track of this stuff.”

Dan (mocking our hired feebs and their loaned equipment, explaining to Andrew why we keep track of this piddly shit): “I can eat for a week on this spear!”

EDITORS NOTE: I almost snarfed on this one as I was not expecting anything at the time.

Andrew: … I’m like Mitchel.” (Andrew’s previous character)

Dan: “Stop talking about Mitchell, it’s a new character.”

Andrew: “No I meant Mitchell from the Mystery Science Theatre.”

Dan: “Well stop doing that too.”

Spandau: “I’ve got a plan. Why don’t we send a scout ahead?”

Big Jim: “OK, go ahead scout.”

…

Apical: “Well we can’t send Confused Foreigner. We won’t know what the fuck he reports back.”

Zabi: “If no one cares I drag the two bodies into the corner, pile them up and set them on fire.”

Louis: “You cannot get a good burn on two bodies in a cave.”

*pause for some minor chaotic talking*

Big Jim: “Your stinking up the place. You freaking moron.”

*more chaos*

Big Jim: “Will you stop that.”

We decided to hold up in the big room for the night.

We took the heads of Leader, Witch, and Protector to show the Thieve’s guild.

Big Jim: “And the Witch’s uterus.”

Apical: “I’m not taking that.”

Zabi: “It will probably make a valuable spell component. She might hide something in her snatch.”

Apical: “That’s gritty.”

Big Jim: “Are you gonna set that on fire to find it?”

Zabi orders his sister to make dinner. She has to make a suitable meal or she’ll be beaten.

Zabi: “These men worked hard. They are holy warriors of Acen.”

Big Jim: “Yeah, so take this beef jerky, and these berries, and this old granola and make a good stew.”

Irritable Gnome is more trustworthy than Zabi because we met him two days before Zabi. It was Irritable Gnome’s fault that we kicked Zabi in the balls because he lied so much about his abilities.

Heleth has to make the bed rolls, clean the weapons, dishes, gore…

Heleth: “There is no water?”

Zabi: “Spit works.”

Andrew (as Zabi): “I tell her not to bother with the dirty hippy because he likes it.”

She piles the gore in the corner.

Big Jim: “At this point she is just moving the gore around.”

Please Just Watch

It emerges that Zabi and Heleth are going to Lordshome to inspect the crystal. This sparked the traditional religious conversation as we “settled down” for the night. EDITOR’S NOTE: No other campaign has had such reverence.

The discussion ensues…

Big Jim: “Maybe you should have spoken up sooner instead of hanging out in your dumb ass monastery.”

..

Zabi: “All things come in time.”

Apical: “Except for you. You don’t got no dick.”

Andrew (as Zabi): “He expects nothing less from a half man.”

Apical and Heleth find themselves on watch together. Apical questions Heleth and inspects her for any bruises or scars on her scalp…

Dan: “No, she is only mentally abused.”

Apical: “Nothing wrong with that. If she was stronger she’d be able to fight back.”

…

Apical: “If you feel you are being treated well, then OK, but if you fell you are being treated unfairly then you have to take matters into your own hands. The only one you can count on in this world is yourself.”

Heleth: “I can count on my brother.”

Apical: “He is looking pretty raggedy and old. Did you see the bags under his eyes. He’s not going to be around forever.”

…

Heleth: “I was raised that Acen will tell us nothing until it is time.”

Apical: “Well, I am telling you it is time to start practicing with a club or something on the side.”

This is worth another audio clip.

Apical tries to convert Heleth to the self-reliant, and tries to get Heleth to practice clubbing on one of the bodies.

Heleth: “The idea of slipping this into the corpse is gruesome.”

Apical: “Then close your eyes.”

…

Apical: “All right, I’m done talking to you.”

Louis: “Who’s next on watch?”

Aaron: “Zabi and Irritable Gnome. This is where we are all going to die.”

Zabi peaks down into the darkness of the formerly curtain covered hallway. He listens real hard, and something attacks him out of the darkness. He is caught from behind by a Wight!!!

It swings out of the darkness…

Louis: “You have to roll a natural 20 or else it drains your life.”

*rolls a 19*

Louis: “Uh you almost did it but you die. You are instantly dead.”

Dan: “Well, we’ll look after your sister for ya.”

Useless for anything besides jokes to this point, Irritable Gnome woke us up before we all died.

Aaron: “You are the worst watcher ever. Not only did you die, but you didn’t even scream.”

The Wight begins moving on the party.

Big Jim: “Fuck this! Fuck this! We are not getting involved in this.”

Apical hits the Wight with an arrow for 4 points…

Louis: “It does no affect.”

Big Jim: “Alright, now everyone follow my lead.”

Dan (to Louis): “Louis, I run.”

The party made an expeditious retreat.

Aaron (to Andrew): “I don’t think your going to be on the dead pile alone for long.”

Jernix tries to turn undead… success!

Big Jim: “That gives us enough time get the hell out of here.”

The party had virtually nothing they could do against the Wight, not even knowing what it was.

Big Jim: “Are we all in agreement? Spandau?”

Spandau “Do you even have to ask?”

Dan: “Success boys. Just like in Iraq.”

Aaron: “Wow, that was quite an encounter.”

Dan: “I think Louis was fucking with us cause he knows we always clear out a level.”

…

Dan (on the definition of powerful): “I can’t walk up to it and attack it and do any damage. It is powerful.”

…

Louis: “10 flasks of oil was probably enough to kill it.”

Dan: “Well, I am not going on probably.”

It was like our first time playing DND.

We realized we left a good morning star on Zabi’s body…

Louis: “Well you can always go back.”

Dan: “Fuck that.”

Zabi will arise again as a Wight in 24 hours…

Aaron: “That means when we come back we will have to bring his sister so she can get closure.”

Andrew will return as his own sister the thief. She was promoted to a level 1 thief by Apical’s speech.

We go back to town to heal. Spandau took the tiger for a walk to relieve himself on the neighbor’s lawn. We identified the wand and scroll from before, then swapped some new items into Jorge’s field of vision and go about our business.

We realized Gomwell is still there, waiting until he shows us the tunnel.

Big Jim takes a long nap, and fills up his fancy chamber pot then tosses it to Heleth.

An argument ensued about if Big Jim would throw a full chamber pot inside his own home without the lid screwed on. Zabi would then blame Heleth for the mess…

Dan: “Excuse me. Let me play my character. That was YOUR character. MY character wouldn’t risk his valuable chamber pot that way.”

Andrew: “Your character takes umbrage at everything.”

Dan then read off his elaborate description of furniture.

Spandau’s custom, heart-shaped bed will be ready tomorrow.

We all slept, woke up and healed. Big Jim and Spandau argued over if a hole in the head or a blister was a worse injury. Jernix healed Big Jim the customary 1HP.

We gave Skon the severed heads and sent him to the Thieve’s Guild to report our success at the Cliff Stronghold and that “there is nothing left alive”.

The party wondered as to what had happened to all the stuff the Easterners looted from the Thieve’s place that was raided?

Big Jim: “It is obvious that the Wight has it. OK, the official story is it has been carted back to their evil lair in the East.”

…

Skon: “Maybe we can get somebody more powerful to take care of it for us?”

Big Jim: “Hey, that’s pretty insulting. Just because we ran away screaming doesn’t mean we aren’t powerful.”

There has been no more hassling at the stick and urine stand. Over the last 2 days the social order has begun to break down. The conscription has the support of the populace. Some noble had his throat slit the other night, Lord Severine.

A discussion started, which included debates about how lords became lords and if they are really useful, and how leadership is earned. Should we battle like barbarian tribes? (I’ll leave it to the reader as to who proposed this.) Jernix butted in on how Dwarven leadership are handed down… “Incest?” Big Jim wondered.

We plan to add Leonard of Acen to the official charter, then inform them of his death, thus awarding him post-humously…

Big Jim (referring to Leonard of Acen): “He wasn’t very deep, so I think we found out all there was to learn about him.”

Andrew: “Maybe that’s what she’ll (Heleth) do with all her gold, buy a really good NPC.”

Dan: “That is not going to work in this gritty campaign.”

Dan made it very clear that we wanted it on the record that Zabi was tricked into entering the cave with us under the guise that we were heading back to town through a shortcut.

Pre-Session Banter Highlight

Dan: MapTool has ruined me.
Louis: Dan can never again visualize sitting around a table talking again.

Larome

Picking up where we left off; we headed back to town with the young rogue Larome. Questioning as to where Louis gets his NPC names. He admitted they often are the names of those that work on his home. This begged the question, “What part of your home did Larome re-tile?”

This led into the imminent, momentous circumstance where upon Louis will be able to unsheathe the kitchen garbage can they purchased 5 years ago! The garbage can will be “deployed” within a few weeks. A followup will be needed next session. In an ironic twist this is a “Simple Human” brand garbage can.

Larome took us to 4th Street to signal the Thieve’s Guild. After Larome whistled we waiting for the Guild representatives to show. While waiting we discovered Larome is a woman?! This erupted into a chaotic discussion, which closed upon learning an immutable fact of Vestibule:

Usually when given a strange name that leads to promiscuity.

Finally Grine Deck (MALE) showed up. We reported what happened at the Guild Enclave. Big Jim’s postulated that the Enclave could not defend itself due to being filled with guys all trying to hide in shadows, hence they kept knocking each other out of side shadows. We informed Grine-Deck of our purpose to trade for 2 disguise potions. We agreed to meet him the next day, after he reported to “others.” Spandau threw in the request for a potion that would make a tiger look like a dire wolf. Grine-Deck’s reaction implied that the potions will not disguise our voices.

Side Shit

Dan told us of the Runequest II RL campaign. His group needed money so Dan suggested they open a sticks and urine store, but the GM would not let them, saying no one would buy that crap. This bewildering campaign includes pleasant NPCs.

Louis: That is an indicator of poor roleplaying. What kind of challenge is that if the NPCs are helpful?

Tomfoolery

With a day to kill, the party split up. Apical visited the shrine of the Self-Reliant. Spandau headed back to the Honeycomb Hideout. Big Jim got drunk for 2 silver then stumbled back home.

Big Jim: I get belligerent with anyone who looks at me.

At the Self-Reliant shrine Apical met Brother Meriam’s new apprentice, Bother Sphencen (MALE).

Brother Meriam spoke of The Revealed, a secret society that fears persecution. Some of the Self-Reliant are attending these meetings in back rooms of taverns and people’s homes. The Keepers are also looking for The Revealed. We may have to talk to them.

Brother Meriam has never heard of the Self-Actualized, but suggested that if we find any of these perverse religions we show them how good Acen is by killing them immediately. Actually he did not says in those words, but Dan sure did.

Other news the Brother shared with us is that the Crusade will indeed begin conscription. Initially the conscripts will be used as a work for to complete defenses around the Noble District.

Apical, understandably concerned for his Self-Reliant brothers, inquired as to their evacuation plan should the temple be overrun. The universal plan of the Self-Reliant would be in effect… every man for himself!

A final conversation at the temple shed no more light on the origin of Enki’s Crossing. It is said someone known as Enki crossed the mountains at Enki’s Crossing, but no one knows which way he was traveling.

Before Apical could leave, the earlier conversation of questionable names infected the Self-Reliant temple. This concluded with the summation that the streets of Sengazia are filled with androgenously named people.

Apical now returned to the Honeycomb Hideout. Soon after Big Jim staggered home. He tried to use his childhood trauma and camping trivia to pick up chicks, but as he was alone I can only surmise failure. However, the news that the Crusade was beginning conscription was immediately sobering for Big Jim. The draft set aflame his sense of civic unrest.

Now it was time to make use of the group’s fine chamber pots. Big Jim demonstrated his pot to our neighbors by using it on their front lawn. We realized our latrine home improvement had been halted as Sludge has left this world, and I doubt he is returning to complete our latrine, leaving us with a half complete latrine.

Ornery Ex-Cooper and Sniveling Wayne reported no news on the stick and urine store front.

Leonard of Acen needs to be added to the charter.

While discussing various minutia, to demonstrate his chamber pot skill, Dan drew a urine puddle on the front lawn.

… back to Leonard, who awoke as a Ranger, needs a sword. Also, his protohuman hatred will force us to leave him behind should we decide to defect to the East.

Big Jim: I am starting to suspect that neither side is really that good.
Apical: The more we learn the more I get the idea we should permanently emigrate to the East.
Big Jim: Yeah, and if they turn out to be jerks we’ll start our own perfect utopia society.

If the disguise potions do not disguise our voices we will have to practice Goblin voices, which will provide quite a challenge since none of us has ever heard a Goblin speak, and anyone who would know how to speak Goblin would never admit to it. According to our earlier exchange with Grine-Deck, the disguise potions will likely cause the party to appear as Orcs, except for Apical who, given his shorter stature, will appear as a Goblin. We are to collect intelligence from the East, but we have no fucking idea where to go, aside from the nearest city, not to mention the calamity it will cause with our presumably undisguised voices.

Apical: If people are jerks in bars here, just imagine what it will be like in a protohuman bar.

Attention now turned towards Monticore, Spandau’s so-dubbed tiger. Given Monticore’s history of prisoner nourishment, child concerns arose. Big Jim proposed a straightforward solution of taking Monticore to the slums, but instead Spandau crammed 8 goodberries down the tiger’s throat, awkward at best; good thing goodberries are universally devoured by all hungry life forms.

An argument over where to keep Monticore commenced. Perhaps we should keep him locked in the kitchen?

Big Jim: Your pet is now offically a pain in the ass.
Apical: Just wait until we forget the tiger is in the kitchen.

The typical solution was presented, “hey man, I’m a druid”, which got us nowhere. Not to mention that without Goldthwaite our lucrative Bobcat business was ruined. Half the stick and urine business is down the tubes. We are going to look pretty stupid with just a stick store. We decided upon a solution of soaking up the tiger’s urine, post-spill in order to collect the “raw” material Spandau needed to make unguents. A new level of grit was achieved.

In the end Monticore’s place is in the dining room, at least until Spandau can train him.

Outside The Soft Skin

The next morning, precisely 2 hours after eye open, we met the Thieve’s Guild outside The Soft Skin. Their envoys were Grine-Deck, Scon, and Grimfavel (MALE), some old Half-Elf. The previous night the Guild checked our references: Scon and Larome. The Guild has been monitoring us since we stopped the breeding project.

I note here that the party has been moving from an attitude of apathy towards Scon’s spying to casual murder plans. We have decided he is sinister because he is associated with The Keepers. So it was a relief that Scon was reporting us to the Thieve’s Guild.

Apical: We were afraid Scon was reporting on us to another organization.
Grimfavel: What organization?
Apical: I can’t say for sure. I might have to KEEP it a secret *wink*

The Guild will give us 2 sample potions in exchange for investigating the cliff stronghold that they have targeted as the source of the Enclave destroying force. Our primary goal is the gather information, but the Guild will not shed a tear of we kill them. We may even earn a bonus, or at least the favor of the Guild, if we dispatch Cliff Stronghold. Scon will accompany us, and make the report when we return, unless something unfortunate happens to him. If we complete the mission they will give us up to 12 disguise potions.

Big Jim: Do we get some kind of discount at your whore houses?
Grimfavel: No, they are already marked down as much as possible without devaluing the merchandise.
…
Grimfavel: If you are into the rough stiff I can suggest Vore’s Dungeon south of here.

Crusade Check-In

Now that we had secured the sample potions it was time to turn them into the Crusade for testing, and to collect our 200GP each! We reported in to Lt. Jonas. He informed us that several of the conscripted peasants have become sick due to some minor plague. Luckily they are being paid in medical care. We wouldn’t want the Crusade to waste a single copper.

As for the interrogation of the Fanatic Priests we turned in last time, they had been strangled by the Keeper interrogators. Hmmm. Seems the prisoner was repeatedly garroted.

Lt. Jonas: It was an unfortunate excess of interrogating.
Big Jim: Didn’t the guard stop him from strangling the guy?
Lt. Jonas: No.
Big Jim: Why the hell not?
Lt. Jonas: He was attempting to apply pressure to his neck to create the sensation of being strangled.
Big Jim: Apparently he succeeded in that one.

As we had previously learned, the considered conscription has commenced. Top priority is to complete the dirt rampart, archer positions, and sentry posts surrounding the Noble District. If they Crusade can conscript at least 7000 peasants they estimate the defenses can be completed in 7-8 weeks.

The latest battle news; the forces in the Koran Pass have held, with only some intermittent Goblin harassment raids. The Crusade has only lost a few poison needlers.

We turned our sample potions into Captain Ensiladas, collecting our payment and the 100PP they gave us to purchase the potions.

Big Jim: We are now officially war profiteers.
…
Big Jim: We are just getting our taxes back. (of which we have paid none)

We inquired upon the currency the East uses. No idea. Maybe teeth or stale dung?

Our schedule works our well, as it will take the Crusade a few days to properly test the potions. Their mages will stare at the potions, and a “volunteer” will sample one.

We gave Leonard of Acen some of our payment for phase 1, so he can finally get that long sword he has been dreaming of, also some to Jernix.

The March of Feebs

In preparation for Cliff Stronghold it was now time again to replenish our Human shield supply. We started with aspirations of hiring a cleric with Soundburst, or a mage with an area affect spell. Instead of the usual Slums, this time we started in the Noble Quarter with our gold piece sign. We had hoped to at lest find feebs that had their own equipment, but quickly decided to try the Adventurer’s Guild.

The Guild listed six people looking for work. Get ready for this.

• Grizzled Refuge (MALE) – apparently illiterate; has padded armor and a club; intriguing
• Confused Foreigner (MALE) – “a confused foreigner stopped by and appeared to be looking for work” – Big Jim: “I like his style.”; will work for FOOD – Big Jim: “OK, but nothing too fancy.”
• Irritable Gnome (MALE) – read name Zaxus; “Illusionist Extraordinaire”; tried to sell us on the usefulness of his Dancing Lights and Ghost Sounds; sounds like a “Rob” character
• Seeker (MALE) – Elf archer/HtH; “kicked out” of his home to discover the origins of his grandparents
• Jornas (MALE) – “I want to be a Druid.”; will work for food and the “honor” be learning he path of nature from Spandau; Big Jim – “We already have a Jernix. We would get their names mixed up.”
• Thalax (MALE) – friendless pikeman

Our initially we wanted Grizzled Refuge, Confused Foreigner, and Zaxus (Irritable Gnome).

Louis: Boy, you really like people who fall into a certain mold.
Big Jim: They have to be RIGHT FOR US.

In the end we hired everybody.

It took awhile to call in the Confused Foreigner (he does not speak common) because he was lost in the city. Upon hiring we acquired him a moldy sandwich.

Next into the interview was Grizzled Refugee. He had a thick Fennelton accent, and of course, used to be a brewer.

Apical: Now you’re gonna brew up some whoop ass.
…
Big Jim: Don’t you have a brewing hammer or something?

Next up was Zaxus, who was very proud of his ability to distract stupid opponents with Dancing Lights. His other skills included prestidigitation and Ghost Sound, which is excellent for setting up a backstab.

Big Jim: What if you cannot backstab the guy?
Zaxus: THEN YOU STAB HIM IN THE FRONT!

Turns out his “spells” are merely innate Gnomish abilities. He hired him, but Big Jim had some constructive criticism to pass along…

Big Jim: He needs to stop misrepresenting himself.

SIDE NOTE: We are remarkably cheap when it comes to hirelings, and we wonder why we cannot surpass rock-throwers.

Having hired the “cream of the crop” we decided, what the hell, and interview the 3 “losers”. Some hirelings never live to collect a pay check.

First up was Thalax who showcased himself by repeatedly setting for a charge with his pike. Since we are entering a cave he will be stuck with a club, unless he has 9 friends to form a phalanx. We saw some big time foreshadowing as Spandau and Big Jim did not like this guy in specific. The most useful thing from Thalax is the news that Fennelton is being overrun by forces from the East. Add that to the long list of hooks to investigate.

Now it was time to interview Seeker. He told us he was sent out from Elverie to explore the world. What a mistake, as Big Jim jumped on this – giving Seeker the third degree. After Seeker gave us some gobblety-gook about creation…

Seeker: … so the question is what happened to my grandmother.
Big Jim: It was the immaculate masturbation.
…
Big Jim: He is not gonna last that long either, but that’s OK. I’m having a lot of fun here.

After finding out Seeker wanted “…just enough for my board and food. 8 copper a day.” Big Jim was flabbergasted…

Big Jim: What do you eat man? Elephants?
Seeker: Vegetarian (mostly). We eat meat at festivals.

The interview ended abruptly after that. Too much background information.

We took a moment to reflect upon our hiring package…

Big Jim: We have a terrible mortality rate, but after your first mission you’ll be able to afford some cream for your rashes.
Apical: And we have an excellent sobriety program.

The final meat sack was Jornas. This loser was super eager to become a Druid. Some misplaced childhood dream, probably begotten when he was pelted by sticks and stones.

Spandau: So you think you have control over the forces of nature do ya? *shove*

Jornas sucked up to Spandau big time, and naturally Rob gobbled it up. So we acquired another winner who will work for food. Lesson One, proper care and maintenance of a tiger

EDITOR’S NOTE: This whole hiring process was hilarious.

Louis: Wait until the conscription starts and the only people you can hire are draft dodgers.

Once we had recruited our new army we suddenly became concerned over OUR resources being drafted, well Big Jim was concerned, Spandau and Apical were apathetic. We promptly visited Will, who had been transferred to help plan the conscription.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Will is the most valuable contact in any game I have ever played, and quite a bit more valuable than some RL contacts.

Will handed us 8 medallions to exempt our friends and loved ones.

Big Jim: OK, so that’s one for me, and one for Fistulina.

Trivia – There are approximately 60-100 thousand people in Sengazia.

We slipped Will a silver piece and were on our way. As eye close was approaching we had our new recruits meet us in the Henesey Lot across the street. We left Ornery Ex-Cooper and Sniveling Wayne behind to “keep feelers out”, and Jorge (house castilian) and Gomwell can keep an eye on the house. All of them were gifted a medallion.

Helping Others

As we trekked across the open plains we spied a column of smoke an hours outside the city. A wagon caravan was being attacked by a group of roaming Bugbears. As Bugbear scalps currently return a bounty of 4 gp each we sprung to the rescue.

Thalax immediately took a critical from Bugbear Marauder and dropped dead, sucks to be a lone pikeman. Bugbear Marauder was the beast of the enemies; rolling 2 natural 20s in a row – taking out Thalax in one shot and criticalling Big Jim (Jim gets critical’d for minimum damage frequently), and culminating in a save vs. Apical’s Stunning Fist attack. Not to mention he later saved vs. Spandau’s emasculating Warp Wood.

Jornas somehow managed to sink lower on the scale of usefulness by beaning Grizzled Refuge int he back of the head with a rock while engaged with a Bugbear. Although he put up a decent fight Grizzled Refuge went down, but thanks to quick bandaging by Jernix, we did not die.

EDITOR’s NOTE: Louis is always snarky when saying “Apical.”

Dan wanted some new dice… alas in the virtual world.

The party was victorious! Upon questioning the survivors we learned they were on their way from an outlining farm of Fennelton when they were beset upon. Only the day prior Fennelton a pack of Zombies attacked Fennelton proper. And for several weeks prior to that, Fenelton has been harassed by Undead and Protohumans.

Travelers (MALE AND FEMALE): They ambushed us over a ridge.
Spandau: It is unfortunate you were attacked in a such a manner…. uhhh… I don’t know.. good day to you.
Big Jim: Sorry about your while family being killed… that sucks.
Travelers: Maybe you can bury our comrades. We have to leave.

How presumptuous! We did the eco-friendly thing and removed anything of value from the fallen travelers so they decompose faster.

Spandau’s henchman was bequeathed a small wooden shield and a long sword. Now he is the worst dancing sword ever.

I can’t wait to try selling that pike from Thalax. It has such a rich history. He walked up and got shot in the face with a crossbow.

The party made camp someplace further down the road as “all the blood, screaming and smoke will attract scavengers.” We found a place with a small rise on one side to nestle behind. Here we labelled Leonard of Acen and Big Jim are our “heavy hitters.” Seeker did a lot of damage and Confused Foreigner did alright.

Louis needs more icons of people with masks, because “it is such a light, airy campaign where heroism is rewarded.”

It was a delicate juggling act to break up the party between new guys, annoying guys, and Spandau not being paired with his pupil so he did not tell him to watch while Spandau went back to sleep.

Look Out Mr. Cliff Stronghold

The next morning we enter the very narrow entrance. As the owner is gone we used the 14′ pike to poke for traps ahead of us. Even though we did not uncover any traps, this was more useful than Thalax had been. Monitcore would not enter the cave, so we left him outside.

Scon was ushered to the front of the tight fitting line to listen at the door… nothing. Stupid suspense was building.

It is cool when I see something with my darkvision but the others cannot and I have to describe it.

Giant Spiders!

Big Jim and Scon blocked the doorway while a few others fired missile weapons from down the hall behind them.

Scon is hit, and poisoned. Apical moved up to hill the void as Scon stumbled back to clutch his twisting innards. Scon took more poison damage but will be paralyzed for 3 hours – lucky prick.

Apical shrugged of some poison, but Big Jim took some. The party managed to dispatch all 2 Giant Spiders, but had taken enough damage to make a short day of it. We headed back to the campsite to rest. Before we left Spandau elated his follower by skillfully extracting 1 poison gland. Back at camp we placed a stick in Scon’s mouth so he did not bite his tongue off or anything as we left him convulsing for the next 3 hours.

I theorize this session will be remembered as the pivotal point in the campaign. The time when the scope of the campaign exploded. With that build-up, on to it…

This session was to begin with a mission to the Thieve’s Enclave outside of Sengazia to bargain for a test sample of disguise potions, for our foray into the East. We discussed the option of the worst possible disguise potions if they do not allow us to speak/understand Goblinoid. Deciding to worry about this probably outcome when it surfaced, we tabled the discussion.

Preparing for the mission, back at the Honeycomb Hideout, Scon wandered in. He informed us of city planning a conscription to complete the wall around the Noble Quarter. Blood began to boil.

We decided to take Jernix, and reward Sludge for his time staring at a potion, with some action. In an exhibition of nimbleness we uncovered Sludge’s DEX 16. So the league was set, and we exited the comfortable confides of the Clubhouse and set off for the Guild Enclave.

You Wouldn’t Want to Meet Them in a Dark Alley

On our way through the city we came across a hooded man attacking a bump. We chased him down a dark alley, stopping dead in our tracks as we came upon Hooded Fanatics, Masked Men, and Mystery Priests surrounded by corpses.

Mystery Priest: “No witnesses!”

… and he battle ensued.

The Mystery Priest (2) sent a line of Hooded Fanatics at use with torches. EDITOR’S NOTE: The torch has become a common weapon after we started selling them in the Merchant Square.

The party started off strong, felling the Fanatics with no trouble. In the meantime one of the Mysterious Priest approached and hit us with a Soundburst. EDITOR’S NOTE: We need to hire one of those. This stunned Big Jim Ubrage while killing on of the Priest’s own Masked Men.

Big Jim’s intricate knowledge of soup kitchens led him to question why they clubbed bumps in broad daylight instead of luring them into an alley with soup.

Hooded Fanatic 10 was left with a choice of biblical proportions; allow himself to be eaten by eats, or wait for his friends to burn him to death as they wildly swung their torches across his body to dissolve the swarm.

Big Jim’s new combat dominance was heartily welcomed as he was able to cleave the Hooded Fanatics down in pairs. During the bloodshed we made the unholy discovery that the Fanatics, presumably just like Scotsmen, are naked under their robes. Grizzly wound or dirty cock, take your pick. Gritty.

Even Goldthwaite roared into action, taking down a Hooded Fanatic with a nasty scratch.

Sludge was viciously cut down by the tough-guy Masked Man 4. Sludge was left bleeding uncontrollably on the filthy stone street.

It was now that the tide started to turn back towards the veiled posse as Mystery Priest 1 sprinkled some dust upon his collected pile of corpses, causing them to rise into Fresh Zombies. Not to be outdone in callousness, Mystery Priest 2 hit the party with a second Soundburst. Big Jim was not enveloped this time, but Spandau and Apical where stunned, and poor little Goldthwaite was nearly slain.

Incensed by Sludge’s end, Big Jim threw all his Umbrage at Hooded Fanatic, “His rat gnarled corpse can go to hell!”

Spandau cleverly warped the wooden handle of Mystery Priest 2′s mace, rendering it useless, and emasculating him.

Beginning a run of infuriating maneuvers, Mystery Priest 1 brought Masked Man 4 back form the brink with a Cure Light Wounds.

The long ago risen Fresh Zombies finally arrived in round 6. Big Jim was quickly beset by Fresh Zombies.

Apical embedded his fish into the cavity of Masked Man 4, but Mystery Priest 2 again healed him.

By this time poor Sludge, as the first official member of Acen’s Angels to do so, bled to death helpless and pathetically in the middle of the alley.

Big Jim: “At least he died doing what he loved.”

Continuing his humiliation of Mystery Priest, who whipped out a lit torch, Spandau created water, extinguishing the torch, and any remaining masculinity of the Mystery Priest. Leaving the sad friar holding a wet stick, not even worth a copper.

Revealing a new secret, Jernix froze Mystery Priest with a Hold Person. This sparked a revelation that you cannot spoil yourself when held, as your sphincter is wired tight; a sleep spell however… Gritty.

Twice a Fresh Zombie critically poked Big Jim in the eye for 2 points. In return Big Jim stroke over to the held Priest and poked him in the eye. This was followed by Goldthwaite’s massive ankle bite, which send the Mystery Priest into a death spiral until Spandau stabilized him such that he serve as a prisoner.

Apical ended the encounter surprisingly close to death, having lost 29 of his 35 HPs.

We took back our equipment from Sludge’s corpse, as he would have wanted us to have it back.

Farewell Sludge. Official member of Acen’s Angels, potion identifier extraordinaire, and Penultimate latrine digger. He did doing what he loved.

Fallen Hero or Mass Grave?

We returned to the Angel Cave to recover and question the Mystery Priest, but before we could, a discussion surrounding how to properly honor Sludge took place. As Sludge was an official member we decided it was right to bury him in the backyard. We argued over who would do it, and in the end we paid Jorge a gold piece to dig a “respectful” grave.

Skon had strolled in, having waited outside until our return. He reported a rise of violence in the city. We surmised this is linked to other cloches of masked hooligans creating Undead within the city limits.

The Mystery Priest gave us little information other than he is from the country-side outside Sengazia.

Spandau slapped the prisoner around when Big Jim tried to play”good cop”, but in his zeal, sent the Priest into unconsciousness again.

Fed up, we left for the hall of records to remove Sludge from the charter.

We passed some quarantined homes. The town crier shouting news of a plague in Sengazia, and reports of citizens with “oozing sores.”

Luckily the Adventurer’s Guild has already opened a fresh bottle of cow’s blood, so for a minimal fee we removed Sludge and added Skon to the charter. In retrospect I don’t know why we added Skon as we are not as non-shall-ant about his spying, and actively try to avoid him.

The charter master told us there is talk of expelling the Adventurer’s Guild from the Noble Quarter, as it is “not appropriate” to have a place where feeble clerks work within a stone’s throw of Nobility.

Apical’s blood began to boil over the political picture of Sengazia. Now he and Big Jim are a pair of dissatisfied homeowners.

We decided to bring Leonard of Acen, Filthy Brawler, Nimble Ex-Drunk and Quiet Burglar to the Guild Enclave as backup, or is it front-up.

Before dumping our prisoner at the Crusade, we ditched Skon.

Re-awakening the prisoner for a final go-at he kept professing his desire to die by fire. He is from the East, and woke up here. He claims to be a priest of the true faith of Acen. And most blasphemously proclaimed Acen Lord of the Dead?!

Enough of this shit we left him with Lt. Jonas.

Mystery Priest: “When I die I will serve Acen again.”
Big Jim Umbrage: “Good for you. Keep living that dream.”

Mystery Priest: “There is no wizard who can compare to the power of Acen, Lord of the Undead!”
Big Jim/Apical (simultaneously): “Shut up.”
Big Jim Umbrage: “I guess we are tired of this guy.”

Big Jim and Apical were incensed to learn 3 of the senior priests from The Keepers were now working with the Crusade. So we took 25gp for our trouble and left.

Big Jim: “You know, maybe it will be nicer on the other side.”
Apical: “Yeah!”
Big Jim: “That is what I am thinking.”

This campaign was voted the worst since Gehenna.

Basement Horror

We arrived at the Guild Enclave to find the building in ruins, having recently been burned down, however we heard sounds coming from the basement.

Jernix cast light upon Big Jim’s shield and we headed into the basement to investigate the moans…

Reaching the sub-level we were surrounded by zombies, fresh zombies, and could spy a gnoll in the next room.

As we started to whittle the zombie hordes down, reinforcements arrived: more gnolls and a pair of armed skeletons bearing two-handed swords.

A zombie charged forth and kicked Goldthwaite into oblivion, despite his cover under a table.

Leonard of Acen distinguished himself, felling a zombie on his lonesome, and lending considerable aid to Big Jim in downing the armed skeletons.

Jernix practiced his turning abilities in a failing manner.

Nimble Ex-Drunk fell to Fresh Zombie.

Regrouping himself, Jernix finally turned the final Fresh Zombie.

Apical shared his secret of monkly mental toughness, doing long division in his head.

Louis: “Armed Skeleton, having no concept of self-defense… dies.” (by swarm)

The party worried when a tiger showed up, but to their collective cheer he attacked the gnolls.

After a pathetic outset, Quiet Burglar finally found his footing when one of the gnolls circled around to attack us from behind. Quiet Burglar nimbly scampered through the crowded room and landed a critical on the gnoll, ending his days.

We beat the tiger to zero and tied him up so that Spandau could try to befriend him.

Just as we sought to catch our breath 3 skeleton reinforcements emerged. Quiet Burglar destroyed Skeleton 2 with a dart, and Jernix sent the other 2 skeletons fleeing as a result of his turning.

The party split up in chasing the final 2 skeletons, passing a dead rogue body.

Filthy Brawler chased a turned skeleton down a corridor and around a corner to encounter 2 zombies and an Armored Fighter! Filthy Brawler took a quick step back to flee, but a moment later Armored Fighter stepped up and cut Filthy Brawler down, luckily (?) he was left unconscious on the ground.

As if the Armor Fighter was not enough, a female Fanatic appeared.

Armored Fighter charged at the open Apical but was surprised as he passed Quiet Burglar so he stopped to swing and beheaded Quiet Burglar (20!)

The party breathed a collective sign of relief as Jernix whipped a Hold Person upon the Armored Fighter. Spandau, distraught by tears, still managed to set a rat Swarm upon Armored Fighter.

Fanatic grabbed a torch and burned the swarm to the edge of death (can you do that to a swarm of rats?).

6 damage = a clocking
7 damage = a slamming

Filthy Brawlers last hoped for life were removed as his bits where consumed by a passing rat swarm.

Spandau tried to hold the Hold Person the Fanatic, and failing, was held back himself.

The Armored Fighter briefly escape his hold, raising tension in the room, but Big Jim finished him off before he would cause more trouble.

Now surrounded by Leonard of Acen and Apical, the Fanatic suddenly cast the room into darkness. Apical made a good guess and stunned the Fanatic, and in the darkness tore into her, making sure she was not to rise again. Leonard of Acen claimed blindness.

The party hunted down the final 2 skeletons and stoned them from a distance.

We discovered a living young rogue named Larome.

He recanted how only an hour before a large force, with catapulted destroyed the upper dwelling, then zombies and gnolls poured into the basement. This army came form the East, and moved on.

We found the rogue corpse to be Gayorg, a senior to Larome.

We looted the enclave, finding no disguise potions, and will escort Larome to the Guild headquarters within Sengazia.

The Fanatic has a map that led form some unknown location towards the East to the guild enclave. We also found a map to a Minotaurs lair, and a book entitled “The Wisdom on Acen.”

The entire party explored the ruined top-side while Spandua took a chance with the 1HP tiger to charm him. Success! Goldthwaite may have fallen, but Kan (a la Serkan of the Jungle Book) arose.

Spandau reached 4th level.

Leonard of Acen earned Ranger-ship because of this distinguished service and hatred of proto-humans.

Revelations

“The Wisdom of Acen” appeared to be a Keeper religious manual, and what we uncovered was world-shaking…

1. The Eastern orders worship a dark being called Sakella. Who grants them their powers. Sakella is a force created by Acen to test mankind.
2. Acen has set the East against the West in order to create a loyal armor of warriors. This army will be used to fight a battle when the end of the world occurs. Even those who fall in battle now may become part of the army of the dead which is growing in an underworld below Vestible.
3. Those of the Self-Reliant and the Self-Actualized should be watched carefully because followers of those paths often become proponents of the heresy of revealed truths.
4. Acen’s power emanates from a massive crystal inside the volcano at the top of the world. The Light-Bringers have a shard broken off this crystal stored inside their fortress in Lordshome.
5. The cities of the East have a pact with the Elves of the Western forest. During the next invasion the Elves will betray the Western cities under the cover of night.

Lots of immediate discussion occurred. To summarize…

Big Jim: “You know. I think it is time to cut and run.”
Apical: “Yeah. The West is fucked big time.”
Spandau: “Maybe the heroes can overcome their personal politicos to save the day.”
Big Jim: “Yeah. Fuck that.”
Apical: “We’re fucking fourth level dude.”
Big Jim: “I don’t think their is a more convincing argument than that.”

We discussed getting a letter of recommendation from Gomwell.

Apical: “I am starting to think Acen is a real cock-hole.”

This campaign is now the worst to live in.

We picked a bad time to become home owners, and Spandau may never see his heart-shaped bed delivered.

We scheduled the next session immediately.