LIB 39 – Throwback (s22): This is How Conan Got Caught!

Duration: 6:22 (Total Time: 5d 6h 20m)

While waiting for everyone to gather Dan and Aaron theorized that while Castara saved us from another near TPK by turning the last block of zombies, and she had been of critical importance then with a Soundburst, she always does so after the party is decimated first, thus she must do it on purpose.

Andrew: “Are we talking out of character or in character?”

Dan: “Either one.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Rob has a new computer, still no headset, which sounds much better.

What to do?

Big Jim pointed out that the Crusade is using us so they have plausible deniability. They are scared of the Keepers, so we will have to drag the Crusade into conflict with them.

We assessed the health status of the party…

Big Jim: “Spandau, you are undamaged?”
Spandau: “Well I do have a blister on the back of my foot and we have been walking through all this goo, so I am very concerned about that.”
…
Heleth: “That is why you carry around pockets full of urine.”
Spandau: “Urine is sterile my friend.”

Peeking out the grate told us we are near Upper Class Protection.

Regarding the near-death Keeper Brother…

Big Jim: “No one stab him in the knee.” (arguably the most fragile portion of anatomy)
Heleth: “Castara and I’ll take the Keeper Brother.”
Big Jim: “No, I’ll take the Keeper Brother. I don’t want him accidentally set on fire.”

We discussed keeping or leaving Jeornas’s body. Spandau was only concerned with Jeornas’ “valuable stuff”, and stated that, since he was a Druid, looting was his forte. We stripped him of anything identifying and beat his face into an unrecognizable form…for our protection.

Big Jim: “And just mutilate the face so no one will be able to recognize it.”
…
Big Jim: (About all of the fallen party memebrs) “And we are going to mutilate the faces…”
Heleth: “Does anyone have a mace?”
Big Jim: “You can use the harpoon from the party pool.”
Apical: “You can run their face along that jagged metal like a cheese grader.”
Big Jim: “Here, you use this stone axe.”
Heleth smashes their faces into the sewage.
Big Jim: “They knew what they were getting into.” (Not really)

It is obviously justifiable because we only met Gruff Loner and Agitated Citizen a few hours ago.

Louis: “As some of you hack at the heads with stone axes and beat them with steel shields trying to mutilate them against the stone walls you find…”
Big Jim: “Can we tie several of the darts together to make a jart?”
Louis: “The authorities might frown upon that.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: We never recovered the rope from Jeornas.

Big Jim: “Are we going to say anything over the bodies of our fallen companions?”
Louis: “The mutilated bodies.”
Apical: “Thanks for taking a blow for us. We hoped you died doing what you loved.”
Spandau: “You have died in the service of Spandau. There is no higher calling.”
Big Jim: “Thank you for your service. I wish we had learned your names.”

Given the status of our party (2 dead, 3 unconscious, and the mitochondria of the party at half life) we hauled ourselves back to the Honeycomb Hideout, but not before Skon, Heleth, and Spandau scouted the other end of the tunnel…

Skon: “Why don’t we have this female refugee carry a torch.”
Apical: “Call her by her name. It is Female Refugee, not this female refugee.”

Finding nothing we headed back home.

Back Home

Big Jim: “We put Ornery Ex-Cooper, Confused Foreigner, and Lazy Dunk in the kitchen.”

Heleth vehemently takes the Keeper Brother’s mask (3m).

Big Jim prepares the prisoner: strip naked, burn clothes, clean, bind wounds, tie, and gag. After Big Jim carefully inspects the Keeper Brother’s naked body he discovers a tattoo of skulls on his thighs (Death Bringer initiation), and a tattoo of chains across his chest/back (eternal servitude/binding to Acen).

Now that the prisoner is prepped we move on to other items, like speculating on the prisoner, Acen, and the truth of the world. Louis chuckles at our attempt.

Apical: “I think we need a watch… though with all these guys in the house any break-in will step on someone…”
Spandau: “Good luck with that I’m going to bed.”
Big Jim: “Just as well…”
…
Big Jim: “Here’s the thing, are we going to pick up another load of feebs?”
Apical: “Sure, for all the shenanigans it has worked out… Besides I want to see if Louis can sink any lower…”
Spandau: “Like Leper and Child with Hooks for Hands.”
Big Jim: “I have a feeling someone’s twin brother is going to show up.” (foreshadowing?)

Big Jim takes advantage of physically handing Castara the gold to get healed first.

The goodberry/food feud between Heleth and Spandau continues.

Having lived here for over a month we finally glance at the street sign. Our house is on Ogden Street (a throwback to Ogden Road in Buffalo).

While reminiscing on the Gnomes we have met…
Andrew: “There’s your next NPC. Gropping Gnome.”
Aaron: “I don’t want to see his icon.”

Shopping

Big Jim finally collects his armor from Upper Class Protection. While there we picked up the latest scuttlebutt…
Servant: “Did you hear the latest news? Another Lord (Zaran) was killed.”
Big Jim: “So what. I mean. who was it?”
Quickly passing over the news that Zaran had his face smashed in by an axe we traded some armor around.

Big Jim: “Apical you get the potion of cure light wounds. Heleth you get the potion of aid. And Spandau you get a harpoon.”
Spandau: “I don’t want that. What am I going to do with a harpoon?”
Big Jim: “You can stick it is Heleth’s back and take her potion of aid.”
Spandau: “Thats a good idea. I’ll do that.”

On to Martin’s Magical Sundries…
Martin: “These potions of aid, 450 gold each.”
Big Jim: “Piece of shit… You fucking rip-off artist! Sorry, go ahead… cock-sucker.”

Again Big Jim brings up how we screwed the Crusade out of that platinum. He seems very proud of it and brings it up every time the word “platinum” is spoken.

Martin: “I have this potion to restore you if you were cursed.”
Big Jim: “Oh fuck that!”
Apical: “From our state now being cursed is a blessing.”

We grill Martin on his shit selection… an enchanted ranseur? who the fuck made that?
Big Jim: “Do you have a Horn of Fog? You don’t have much do you?
Apical: “How about an Aparatus of Qualish bitch!”
Big Jim: “You don’t even have a decent Cape of the Mouteback.”

After some coaxing we did get something useful from Martin…
Big Jim: “Look we are not from here. So we don’t have every little piece of information. So don’t talk to us like we are fucking morons.”

… We find out that The Heretic’s Prison is just south of the stakes…
Apical: “You don’t go to the burnings? What do you do on Thursdays?”
Martin: “I sip tea the the Dreaming Harp. My servants sometimes tell me of the activities.”
Big Jim: “You make me sick… pampered jerk-off.”

The Adventurer’s Guild job crier tried to funnel us to the Minotaur quest.

Crier: “You are probably only going to find people who are unfit for military service.”
Apical: “That’s what we have now.”
Spandau: “Do you have any children with hooks for hands?”
Apical: “Anyone who has a poor outlook on life? No more sandwich workers?”
Crier: “I’ve got a line on a one-eyed guy.”
Big Jim: “How the hell do you get paid? By volume?”

Basic Outfitting

This was a highly enjoyable shopping trip which peeked behind the curtain of department store operations. I have pulled out a few highlights here, but there are too many to list in entirety so I suggest you listen to the audio (Shopping Bureaucracy (34m)).

Heleth: “Maybe you can get a deal if you sell them in bulk?”
Apical: “There are no deals at Basic Outfitters, there’s just a list.”

Heleth tries to buy some “craftsman” tools.

Big Jim was very proud of his ownership of a crowbar, and said as much repeatedly.

The tools department sells a grappling hook with no rope (available in variety of options in the rope department)…

Robert (tools department): “The rope is at the rope desk.”

Heleth tried to purchase fishing line, stating it is good to choke people with (mind you she earlier was in fear of arrest if she called them Thieves’ tools). Big Jim pointed out by applying generous amounts of wax to cat gut, to bite into the flesh Heleth could fashion her own garrote. Questioning her upper body strength to make effective use of it, he casually suggested better luck with a stiletto to the back of the head. All this while milling about the public isles.

This led to a conversation with the manager (a reoccurring theme). Dan lost it and retreated from the mic for extended euphoria.

Apical: “Who the fuck sells string (available in the rope department)!”
Big Jim: “Everyone needs string man.”

Dan: “Our heroic adventure, arguing with the manager.”
Aaron: “That is what we have to do on Thursdays now.”

Apical: “They should have a woman working in the textiles department.”
Steve (manager): “Basic Outfitters prefers to employ men.”
Apical: “Do they think women steal?”
Steven: “I can’t explain the philosophy. I’m not the owner. I’m just the manager. I only work here.”

Spandau tried to cut in line but was denied by Basic Outfitters procedure.

Using the same ply he used to see “crude short swords” as “short swords” Big Jim tries to sell the stone axe we used last session to “beat their face to be unrecognizable”, which he just called an “axe”…
Clerk: “I’ve never seen anything so blood stained.”
…
Clerk: “I don’t think Basic Outfitters can traffic in stone weaponry.”
…
Big Jim: “Just give me 2 copper asshole!”
Clerk: “Just don’t tell the manager.”
Big Jim: “Now we have something on him.”

We attempt to sell 3 medium wooden shields.

Peter (armor desk): “I’m sorry you need to go to the shield desk.”
…
George (shield desk): “How can I help you?”
Big Jim: “Go to hell George!… I’m getting real sick of this store. I’m about to go ape-shit.”
…
There is an arguement over the price of medium wooden shield. Big Jim called over the manager… another arugment ensues. Big Jim makes the clerk (George) appolgize to him.

Spandau: “Get him fired. We’ll hire him as an NPC.”

Big Jim: “All this crap’s wasting valuable seconds from my life.”
…
Louis: “BTW the payment clerk’s name is Douglas.”
Dan: “Well, I’m glad we know that.”

And what did we learn from this experience?
Dan: “The fact that we are enjoying haggling with imaginary service representatives in a roleplaying game, does that mean we have better roleplayers or are we more boring as individuals?”
Rob: “I think there one in the same.”

Heleth: “When we leave town we should burn this pace down.”
Big Jim: “I agree. I’m sick of their fucking fake kindness. I’m chaotic good.”

Jay’s Importers – A New Experience?

Spandau went looking for some dangerous animals to add to his arsenal. Failing to find any “ferocious boars” he accumulated some war dogs.

On the way Spandau took immediate advantage of Heleth’s request to permanently apply light to a coin. Being the “living conduit of Acen’s will” that he is, and with the correct allotment of piss and vinegar, and a tribute of 80 gold, it would be trivia. Obvisuouly fake, Heleth asked the others if this was right and then accused Spandau on trying to trick her. But in the end Spandau turned Heleth’s accusation that he was full of crap around and  through forceful commentary,  made her cry.

Spandau ordered a Wild Boar or “anything else vicious you find”.
Jay: “We have a nasty hunting hawk.”
Spandau: “How nasty?”

Apical: “That’s everybody’s excuse. There’s a war going on.”
Big Jim: “That dog took a shit on the floor. There’s a war going on.”

Spandau finds a near-leperish war dog…
Spandau: “He still could kick the ass of any 2 of our feebs.”

Spandau finagled a deal as the trained dog has a questionable vocabulary…
Jay: “He’ll bite your arm if you stick it out so watch out. I haven’t figured out how to get him to stop attacking so you’ll have to work on that.”

Spandau named him Rufus the Hound of Doom without checking the animal’s gender.

Rob: “I throw an Animal Friendship on him. This will secure his loyalty to me and me alone.”
Dan: “Do you announce this when you do this?”
Rob: “Yes. I do.”

There is talk of Elveree (Elf city) closing their doors to keep out the Fenelton refugees.

Spandau: “We’ve heard of a certain Minotaur cave.”
Jay: “Funny, I was just about the mention that.”
Spandau: “I thought you might. That’s what Druidic wisdom gets you my friend.”

Jay offers us 90 gp per Minotaur head and a reward for recovering some bracelet the Minotaur’s stole. We considered cutting the heads off some bulls, cramming in some dog fangs, and passing them off as Minotaur heads, but declined due the ”substantial difference in the brain case” (according to Spandau), between the two species. However Spandau did share with us their nocturnal nature. In the end we decided to fuck off the Minotaur quest, in large part to Big Jim and Apical anxiousness to finally go East.

Spandau: “You can’t just behead a cow.”
Big Jim: “It seems perfectly plausible to me.”

Over 3 hours into the session now and Louis begins his funneling as we have not even spoken to the Keeper Brother.

Rob: “I need a 5 minute break.”
Dan: “What for?!”
Louis: “I don’t want the details.”

A Proper Interrogation

We give the prisoner a goodberry to cover ourselves in case we are over exuberant in our questioning.

Big Jim drags the Keeper Brother’s tied, naked ass to the middle of the living room floor…

Big Jim: “… so his penis is exposed… I take my dagger and I start flicking his penis with it.” (EDITOR’S NOTE: Dan seemed quite anxious to get to this…)

We disaover that his name is Ralthar. He states that he worships Acen, Lord of Death (a new group called the Death Bringers) and kills Keepers, because they lie about the Death Bringers. The Keepers deny the existence of the Death Bringers. The Death Bringers want the populace to fear Acen. Acen wants your fear and service after death.

Ralthar is from the SE. He was planning a raid on the Nobles to discredit the Crusade, who worship a false Acen (Light Bringers).

EDITOR’S NOTE: Louis’s eating a taco enhanced his groaning as the NPC prisoner.

Big Jim: “Where in the East are you from?”
Ralthar: “From the South East.”
Big Jim: “What city asshole?!”
Ralthar: “ahhhhhhh”
Big Jim: “Ah ha, you don’t know do you?!”

Big Jim holds Ralthar in the doorway with his penis facing the tiger…
Big Jim: “This guy’s going to start chomping on your ands.”

None of the usual tatics work, becuase his faith advocates dying in order to furhter serve Acen. He constantly is asking us to kill him nad then tries to choke himself on his own tongue.

Big Jim: “How do you interrogate someone like this? Keep him alive?”

 The party speculates on brainwashing him, as it doesn’t seem that hard to do.
Heleth: “I’ll get the low protein gruel.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Louis performed an excellent impression of a man choking on his own tongue (several times). He sounded like he damn near choked himself to do it. That is gritty realism.

Ralthar was supposed to be protected from the Thieves’ Guild… by the Keepers? Maybe. The party keeps getting seemingly conflicting information.

Big Jim: “You know what we need is an inter-faith meeting.”

Heleth (to Ralthar): “Who sent you here?”
Apical: “We want to speak to your manager.”

Ralthar claims there is an “impregnable” stronghold in the NE desert, and the closer you travel to the Eye, the strong the magic. His supervisor (can you tell I am caught up in the retail space) is Maldrak, from east of Ellestrin.

Ralthar: “Acen will punish…”
Big Jim: “Somehow I’m not too worried about it.”
…
Heleth (on ideas for torture, but not death): “You can live without your testicles.”

Ralthar: “Kiiiilllll meee.”

Big Jim/Apical: “We’re gonna kill ya buddy, but you’ve got to meet us half way.”

Heleth: “Tell us the game plot.”
Big Jim: “Yeah, automatically update it in our journal.”
Louis: “Good luck with that.”

Aaron: “I do not look forward to re-listening to this.” EDITOR’S NOTE: It was not pleasant to re-hear Louis’s gagging impression.

Big Jim: “I’m starting to think you don’t want to die.”
Ralthar: “Just kill me.”
Big Jim: “Not till you tell us what we want to know dicknose.”

Enough is enough…
Big Jim: “Louis, I stab him in the knee.”

We discuss the ensueing plot so far, with the Keepers, Crusade, Thieves Guild, and the factions in the East. Plus the attempt to destroy the city.

Big Jim: “Quite frankly I don’t care if we save the city.”

Heleth/Big Jim argue about explaining this to the Crusade…
Heleth: “I want a reward for all this hard work….”
Ralthar: “Eternal reward awaits death…”
Big Jim: “Shut up! I punch him in the face.”

Big Jim: “The only thing to do now would be to torture him for days and then the information is usually pretty bad.”

Out of use, we throw Ralthar in the tiger’s room. He is immediately devoured.

Louis: “I enjoyed that tremendously.”

We coerced Jeorge into burying the half-corpse in the half-latrine for 2 gp…
Big Jim: “We have to bribe him to do his basic job.”

Another Batch of Feebs

Heleth positions herself to be the first in the healing line the next day…
Louis: “You definitely woke up before Big Jim who drank himself into a stupor.”

On to the Adventure’s Guild to meet the newest batch of recruits…

Delirious Warrior…
Louis: He seems to be slightly disconnected from reality. He is moving his head around in funny ways. His head has a sideways tick.”
Delirious Warrior: “I was fighting for the Crusade and damn if a Gnoll didn’t hit me on the head.”

Aaron: “I want to see this guys icon, so we have to hire him.”
Louis: “His icon can’t show his tick.”
Aaron: “You can use an animated gif.”

We escort him outside to show us some moves… Which he does by swing his sword wildly around.
Delirious Warrior: “I’m imagining an Orc… There goes his face… Yahhh… Look out…”

One-Eyed Thief, a hooded man with a glass eye…
Big Jim: “Show us your face right now!”

One-Eyed Thief: “You going out of the city?”
Apical: “We might be.”
One-Eyed Thief: “I’m up for that.”

Evaluation…
Big Jim: “Go ahead. Stab an imaginary Orc.” (already the standard evaluation test)

Hunched Man… “I work the battle fields.”
Big Jim: “You loot corpses, That’s what you do, isn’t it.”

Hunched Man; “Yes.”

Big Jim: “Hired.”

The last recruit did not want to enter the Noble District, having lost his flail and deserted the Crusade…

Fallen Hero: “I can use a bow.”
Big Jim: “We don’t have any of those but we have this bag of rocks.”
…
Fallen Hero: “5 gold a day.”
Spandau: “5 gold a day is pretty steep.”
Big Jim: “He must have an actual class.”
…
Big Jim: “You’re hired. Show us your face.”
Louis: “He looks very skilled, especially with knife.”

Louis: “You know that he is a deserter.”
Big Jim: “Who cares.”

The Official Story

We tell Captain Ensilatas of our plan to travel south and find a way across the mountains, and then back up north on the other side. Then the negotiation for pre-payment started…

Big Jim: “This is highly trained fighting force here… you’re hiring the best…”
Apical: “These guys don’t just work for moldy sandwiches.”

Captain Ensilatas: “You could run off with the cash.”
Big Jim: “We have never done that before. We could have done that anytime before.”
Captain Ensilatas: “I grant you that.”
Spandau: “We’re waiting til we get a really big score to do that.”

A down payment of 1200 gp, 8 potions of cure light wounds, 12 disguise potions, and 1 potion of gaseous form is worked out.

Captain Ensilatas expects us back with a report in less than 12 weeks. If we return with useful information and the motivations behind the attacks, as well as info to defend ourselves, then a minimum 2500 gp will be due us. Anything more than that will get us more.

As we left we fell into the usual discussion on the state of the game and our character’s opinions of it.
Louis: “Some things have improved for you.”
Apical: “Like what?”
Louis: “You have a house now,  instead of sleeping in the gutter.”

Aaron: “He’s (Louis) is still surprised by our disillusionment.”

Big Jim: “If every place turns out to be a complete shit hole we’ll go up there (the Eye) and see what’s going on.”

The party has  a disucssion with Gomwell and his view of the Self-Actualized (Screw over anyone in your way, becuase that’s what Acen wants).

Spandau: “He admits he’s evil! Let’s kill him!”
Big Jim: “Yeah, because that’ll be good.”
Apical: “Let me hesitate first.”

A Final Hurrah

Big Jim: “Are we going to have one last party?” (10m)
Spandau: “We have to fuck with the Gafiltas. Finally run them out of the neighborhood and then leave.”
…
Spandau: “I round up about 10 whores.”
Louis: “What quality?”
Spandau: “I dunno. Low.”
…
Apical: “He won’t pay for anything, but he’ll gladly pay for low quality whores.”
…
Spandau(on the Gafilta’s house) : “I shape a giant wooden penis on their porch.”
…
Delirious Warrior gets out of control and yells at the whores.
…
Big Jim: “Where did you get these whores?”
Spandau: “I dunno. Around.”
Louis: “They’re just a pack of skanks.” EDITOR’S NOTE: I had to actually check how to properly spell skanks.

The party rages on. Castara took off early, as Big Jim drukenly hit on her during the last one. Ornery Ex-Cooper drunkly punches a whore in the face, becuase she was “Looking at him funny.” Fallen Hero stay out of the festivites. Spandau has a skank five-way in his heart shaped bed, and deliberly leaves his door open, so everyone is forced to watch. Hunchback Man (Ex-Scavenger) nails a porsititute on Gomwell’s bed. Delierious Warrior gets even more out of hand and passes out on the lawn. Big Jim drunkenly passes out in the Gafilta’s outhouse. Heleth breaks into the Gafilta’s home and leaves money under the bed.Lazy Drunk becomes extremely drunk and yacks up on the street. Confused Foriegner gets drunk and passes out. Skon has a few drinks and then goes to bed. Gomwell stays out of the festivites and paces around looking tense… maybe suspiciously tense?  

The Next Chapter

Gomwell (lacking weapons or spells): “Are you gonna give me something? What if I’m set upon by wolves?”
Big Jim: “Alright. Here is 10 darts.”

Gomwell’s enthusiasm has dulled in his house arrest. He may stick with us until Olestrin.

We discover someone left a dump in the foyer…
Spandau: “I left a few Sengazia Steamers on the whores last night.”

A New Life Awaits

17 “men” enter Gomwell’s secret tunnel to the East… How many to return?

Apical: “I’m mounting the feeling of satisfaction.”

As we enter a new world, we find it difficult to leave the trappings of the old world as we enter a remarkably narrow passageway.

Apical: “You better break out a pole so you don’t fall into a pit.” (wait for it)

Big Jim: “Move the damn donkey to the back of the line.”
Apical: “We have learned nothing from all our adventures in tunnels.”

A short way into the tunnel we encounter a few Hobgoblin Sentries and attempt to negoiate with them, as Gomwell vouches for us.Everything seems to be going smoothly then …

Sentry: How many people are with you?”
Big Jim: “16″
…
Big Jim: “We’ve got a tiger with us. That’s not going to be a problem is it, Hobgoblin?”

After a few questions theyseemingly buy our story and let us pass… Then Big Jim falls into a pit… roll initiative.

Wrap Up

Dan observed that Andrew earned 2100 xp for buying rope and complaining to the manager.

There were many strong contenders for this sessions title…

* You Can’t just Cut the Head Off a Cow

* Just Give Me 2 Copper Asshole
* Let Me Talk to Your Manager
* A Different Brain Case
* Entering the Asshole of the World

We escaped this session without any physical engagements.