LIB 37 – Throwback Campaign Session 20: Batman with a Flaming Bag of Oil

Duration: 6:26 (Total Time: 4d 16h 58m)

Pre-Game Chatter

This session opened with an extended session of pre-game chatter as we waited for Andrew to finish his dinner.

We contemplated Rob’s greatest weakness:

• Kryptonite
• He plays a hell of a Druid.
• Will screw the party first chance he gets.
• Runs away from combat.
• Too eager to please.
• He could improve his presentation skills.
• Has bouts of clumsiness from time to time.
• Inability to hit the toilet.
• Always eats the last cookie.

We revisited stdmatch.net to see how the singles/diseases are categorized. Rob petitioned that they should not allow those with the curable diseases to join.

Later we explored the plight of shame.

Dan’s audio has taken a hit, and his lack of faith in the longevity of LIB has prevented him from purchasing a new headset.

Almost an hour in, it was time to play.

Residue

EDITOR’S NOTE: We have often talked of campaign’s where magic and/or money is low/rare. This campaign has surpassed our dream level, which I suspect, is a key to it’s grittiness.

We started in the same cave collecting loot from the Bugbear and Ogre corpses, and with most of the party in bad shape….

Andrew postulated that Confused Foreigner is Acen…

Rob: “Let’s all start worshipping him… On the off chance that he is Acen, I club him from behind so I can become God.”

Taking inventory of the loot unveiled a number of stone axes, which would serve as Chekhov’s gun.

In battered shape, and in fear of other enemies in the cave, we camped out 1/4 mile away in a defensble position, and Heleth hid near the cave entrance so as to watch for  activity.

Rob attemtped to gain the trust of the wounded Worg  he gain in the cave. Spandau determined that the Worg (being an animal with a higer than “animal” level intelligence, and thus sees through Spandau’s bullshit), was only pretending to listen to Spandau, and pronbably would run away or attack when it had a chance. A smart move given he had 1 HP. Spandau told it to get lost.

Lazy Drunk has been sobered by the experience and high body count. Such is how the program works. Being a former city guard Aaron, Andrew, and Rob held out hopes that he would be a diamond in the rough. A competent adventurer…

Dan (killjoy) : “He’s going to turn out like all the rest.”

Still in bad shape we send a scout party with a questionable roster (Heleth, Spandau, and Geornas) back into the cave.

Aaron: “I don’t want to send Heleth and Spandau. Heleth is OK, but Spandau…”
Rob: “How dare you impugn my character.”
Aaron: “Yeah, I have no historical evidence otherwise.”

The A Team

Dan:  ”You guys handle this intrepid adventure.”

They return to the cave. Heleth sneaks ahead of Spandau, to scout quietly. In the meantime Spandau returns to the supiciously placed treasure chest, at the end of a dead-end hallway. He  tries to grab the loot  from the obviously trapped chest and falls into a pit. He screams like a woman and then orders Geornas to pull him out of the pit.

Spandau: “Throw a rope down.”
Geornas: “I don’t have a rope. Maybe you can hold on t this war hammer.”
Spandau: “I’m not going to hold on to your war hammer.”

The two sturggle for awhile, and Spandau throws up his rope for Geornas to use. Once out of the pit he shuffles around the  edge to get to the chest. He uses Geornas as a chest poker. Spandau uses his magnificent magical abilities to shape a new door on the side of the chest… empty. In frustration he smashes the chest.

Heleth proceeds to sneak cautiously sneak ahead.

Spandau: “So Geornas. that Heleth chick, I think you could hit that. I think you should give it a shot next time you see her.”
Geornas: “There seems to be something wrong with her.”
Spandau: “Yeah, well, there seems to be something wrong with most chicks.”
Geornas: “She’s a little off.”
Spandau: “Yeah, well that’s a fact. She’s a fucking bitch. That’s what off… Let’s go see if she’s gotten herself killed. I think she went this way… If she did she has some shit on her I’d like to loot.”

In the dark, Heleth quietly, cautiously slides a wooden shield along the ground in front of her to discover traps. Meanwhile Spandau trails behind making echos.

They hear a faint cry… “Water!”

Intra-session, Louis rewards us XP from last session. Heleth makes it to 5th level.

A door… Heleth picks the lock…

Spandau: “What the hell is the hold up? Just open the damn door.”
Heleth: “Fine, you open the door then.”
Spandau: “Oh for god’s sake. Geornas? Open this door will ya?”
Geornas: “Why should i do it?”
Spandau: “It’s a test of bravery all Druids must pass.”
Heleth: “Just warp the wood.”
Spandau: “First of all, the door is unlocked. Why would I warp the wood. Second of all, I don’t have that spell.” (Having used it up on the fake treasure chest)
Geornas: “All druids have to open a door?”
Spandau: “Alright you retards. I’ll open the damn door.”

The scouting unit finds 2 prisoners!

Spandau: “I have saved you!”

Prisoner: “Uhhh… water…”
Spandau: “My name is Spandau!”

They send the prisoners back to camp with Geornas.

Spandua: “Yeah, she just wants to get rid of ya so she can make out with me. That’s normal.”
Georgnas: “… I don’t even know what to say.”

Heleth and Spandua continue to explore the cavern, but find nothing of interest or value. They then returned

Standard Operating Procedure

At this point I can’t say anything… tomfoolery ensured… I think my visible reaction to listening to this audio has damaged my work reputation.

To sum up. Heleth finds and uncovers a pit. Seeing a bag in the pit Spandau’s greed overcame his wisdom and he immediately jumped in the pit. Heleth left him in the pit to continue exploring. However a lot of bickering occured in there.

Dan: “Rob, don’t you have a rope?”
Rob: “I gave my rope to Geornas to get me out of the first pit.”

Heleth tosses  her waterskindown to Spandau (so he doesn’t dehydrate) and  runs back to camp. Since he is sitting on a large sack of gold, we decided to rescue Spandau. Big Jim and Apical lower a rope and haul Spandau, clutching the sack of gold, almost to the top, and extort the sack from him before completing the rescue.

The gold is sucessfully divied up, despite everyone’s worries. An arguement breaks out on religion (again), and Heleth accues Sapndau of being a heritic.

Spandau: “I’ve got my own view of Acen, and apparently he approves as he keeps shooting spells my way.”

Finding the rest of the cave system empty, the party returns to Sengazia.

Heleth, continuing assert herself, demands her waterskin back from Spandau, spoiling his previously mumbled plan to sell it for a silver piece. Spandau and Geornas play “monkey in the middle”, who seems unfamiliar with the concept. Heleth crashes dishonorably to the ground ,as she leaps for the bag. Big Jim: “Hit him in the balls and take it.”

Castara, in her usual hard tone, “Quit being a dick-bag. I want to get outta here”.

Thanks to Geornas’s wimpy throw Heleth recovers her waterskin.

Spandau: “This game has ceased to enthrall me.”

Castara demands her daily payment.

Cutting the banter short we head back to town.

Cashing In

We are resolved to escort the resuced prisoners back to the Crusade…

Heleth: “…to make sure you are not choked during questioning.”

The Crusade Scout talks of some sort of power struggle, between at least 3 factions, in the East. There is a powerful lord with a large force to the northeast. He has a group of knights called The Black Riders. These Knights are smaller than Humans. Apical suspects his evil brother is involved.

The enfeebled scout kept crying that we needed to tell the Crusade, until Big Jim’s patience has ran out…

Big Jim: “Alright, we are going to the Crusade. Stop whining.”

After some strawberry talk (the doppleganger challenge codeword) we headed to the Crusade camp.

The plate mail countdown is down to 4 days…

Spandau objected to the party having to revolve around Big Jim’s armor. Big Jim replied that sapndau has no reason to complain about others.

Spandau: “I am not going to sit around and wait for Big Jim’s ‘outfit’ to be completed.”
Big Jim: “Who are you to talk? You and your damn bed almost got us all thrown into prison.”

Stopping to collect the bounty on scalps, we discover that our good buddy Will resigned. He had some sort of revelation and decided that he needed to do different things. We asked around but no one had a clue as to where he had gone.

Spandau: “We’ll make the starving prisoners wait while we get our accounting done.”

These fucking Nobles use the Ogre scalps as wheel covers!

EDITOR’S NOTE: The only good thing the Crusade has done is expand the vocabulary of the general populace with the word “conscription”.

After a verbal tussle with the manager we wrangled some money for the Worg pelts, despite them  not being as glamorous as a Goblin pelt.

Lazy Drunk wrangled a raise… for now.

We returned the prisoners and scheduled/demanded a meeting with Lady Allestra the following day. We had planned this because we finnally decided that the Keepers needed to be stopped from doing …whatever it is that they’re doing.. The only force capable of that is the Crusade…maybe.

Castara: “Someone waving their dick around when they’re bleeding.”

OSHA

Having depleted our share of NPC feebs, yet again, we  visited the Adventurer’s Guild…

Big Jim: “We need some new guys.”
Heleth: “We need someone competent.”
Big Jim: “Let’s not get carried away.”

The first prospect was a very meek woman, completely covered, with “a fire in her belly”.

Apical” “What the fuck?”
Spandau: “Uhh, how can we tell if she’s hot or not?”
Big Jim: “Can we see your face please?”
…
Spandau: “We’ve got enough estrogen in this party already.”
…
Heleth: “What are your skills?”
Big Jim: “We’re not going to hire someone who won’t show us their face!”
Heleth: “Maybe it’s part of her culture.”
Big Jim: “Fuck that!”

This pathetic waif wants to take her revenge on the East. They dragged her family off…

Spandau: “That’s not really a skill.”

And so on…

And so we hired Female Refugee; unrelated to Grizzled Refugee.

The next contestant was a muscular oaf with a mustache, who lost his equipment, having been robbed when he fell asleep in a whore house.

Spandau: “I should have the only mustache in the party.”

Welcome Gruff Loner.

Finally we were introduced to a weaselly complainer who has never been in a fight, but he broke down a door once.

Applicant: “I want to take our city back… it has turned into a shit-hole.”

This winner is all into finding out what is going on to Sengazia.

Stake your claim Agitated Citizen.

Commerce

With our big bag of loot, we went shopping. We are unable to remeber our relationship with various merchants. An attempt is made to blow it off, but Louis joined in.

Louis: “What a minute, you offended someone… when you told someone he might as well have raped your dead grandmother’s mouth.”

Rohan’s Medium Armory…

We discover that there is still voilence towards the merchants, as two blocks of buildings have been burnt down in the Easern Redisential District. Big Jim proposed that Rohan should hire us, with up front payment, as a merchant watch replacement, since they were clearly not getting the job done. When Rohan was merely less than ecstatic, Big Jim accused him of trying to scam us and stormed out  using an avalanche of profanity.

Valerie’s Flails and Sundries…

Heleth: “I’m just glad she didn’t remember me. Last time she was adamant about us never coming back in ever.”
Big Jim: “That’s just a negotiating tactic.”

On the way to the next store we walk through the burned section. Big Jim grabed a random stone mason, questions him, and angrily asks him if he wants to buy a stone hammer. When the man refuses and Big Jim doesn’t find any money in his pouches, he tells the guy to get out.

Andrew: “Apical started that… that the city is going to shit.”
Aaron: “I am not grabbing guys in the street, but it is true.”
Dan: “To be fair, it was probably shitty to begin with.”
Aaron: “As long as we’re being fair.”
Andrew: “Now Undead are in the streets.”
Aaron: “That has not always been our fault.”
Rob: “We should rough up some more guys. That was fun.”

(Archery) Shop…

Our first attempt to sell several light crossbows and short bows. The proprietor is a female elf of pleasnt disposition, until she met us.   We noted that there were two thugs in the corner keeping an eye on us. Heleth attempted to engage them in conversation, but was ignored.

Dan: “Andrew stop interrupting the rest of us by constantly gibbering about whatever happens to pop into your head.”

Things started pleasantly at first, until  the first prices were quoted. The elf refused to up her price in the bartering process. She stated that  the way Elves do business is by one fixed offer, and that’s it. Enraged Big Jim recited a litany of profanities and abusive phrases at  her until she recinded any offfer and told the party to get out.

Big Jim: “That broad  doesn’t know how to barter.”

To sell off our remaining archery goods, we are forced to enter the slums and go to…

Meritan’s Missiles…

Some of the party were immediately turned off by the thatched roof.

Meritan: “Acen punishes thieves.”
Heleth: “Then I have not fear for I am not a thief.”
Rob: “I look around for anything of exceptional valuable. If only Acen is doing this, then I don’t care.”
…
Apical: “I am going to sneak into Lordshome and plant people of only moderate income.”

Stilts and Stones

Apical stops at a carpenter… Jarnell’s Woodcrafters. He orders some stilts made, to mask the most obvious thing about himself. After which he heads to Lanara’s Textiles to order the pants of a normal person. He goes into the back room to try out the pants over the stilts. As of yet unskilled in the circus arts he thrashes about, making all kinds of noise…

Lanara: “Are you OK in there?”
Apical: “Yeah, I had a heavy lunch.”

The rest of the party tried to sell our left over inventory (a bunch of torches and the stone axes), in the Slums. Quickly they find themselves left with only the aforementioned stone axes. Heleth attracted some leering letches… sounds like our next soldier.

A pair of dudes bought 2 of the 3 stone axes and quickly left.

The paryt had a discussion on what to do with the rest of the loot and whether what we were doing was legal. Big Jim took the position that the Slums was essentially a lawless area, that the authorities pretty much ignored. Heleth and Spandau wern’t convinced. To prove his point  Big Jim grabbed a guy, insulted him, and attempted to forcibly sell him a stone axe.

Big Jim: “It’ll make you into a man. Women will swoon. Your wife will stop cheating  on you.”

Turns out this sicko wants his wife to continue to cheat on him. He married her for money, so Jim urinates on his head. This weirdo refused to buy a stone axe as it will make his wife respect him. Big Jim , refusing to give up, rummages through the guy’s pockets and finds two copper peices. He takes two torches (1 cp apiece) and slams them on either side of the man’s head. Then takes the 2 cps for use of the torches.

Rob: “Big Jim. Chaotic Good.”

Big Jim takes a big step towards deterioration.

Burning Crusade

As day grew to a close, we closed up shop  and  followed the crowd to the weekly public burning. To our shock we saw that one of the Crusade scouts we had rescued was about to be burned for heresy! We sprang into action.

Big Jim: “Everyone put on their masks!”

As they chose “eye’s in or eye’s out” we started confusion. Spandau punched the guy next to him. Big Jim threw flaming oil into the crowd. Apical wormed his way close to the stage guards. As the flaming oil exploded, setting several bystanders on fire, a guard pointed our way, yelling at us to stop.

Big Jim ducked down, grabbed a guy, placed his mask on him, and then jumped up, dragging the victim towards the stage, yelling “I got him!”

Using his Ring of Jumping, Apical leaps over the ring of guards, landing next to the Dwarven Protector who is about to chop the scout, and lays him out with a Stunning Fist. *HA-ZA!*

Spandau summons a swarm on the stage, providing cover for Apical as he unties the unconscious scout. Big Jim uses his captive’s skull to headbutt a guard, kncking the guy over.

Spandau: “What sorts of horrid creatures do I summon forth from the depths of nature’s bounty?”
Louis: “Bubbling up from beneath the stage comes a swarm of centipedes.”

Spandau gets punched.

A burn team guard draws a sword on Big Jim. Applying his knowledge of the position, Big Jim pulls out his own sword, “Do you really want to get into this? Take your money and go”. The guard wisely flees. After which Big Jim re-dons his mask.

Apical slings the scout over his shoulder, yells “All hail the Keepers!” and runs off stage, disappearing into the crowd, as he ducks a final guard’s swing.

Spandau turns his swarming fury onto the assailant who punched him. The assailant is quickly eschewed. Some random crowd member runs on stage and sets a Goblin (set to the burned anyway) on fire. Heleth cheers. We hear many disappointed cries, “We didn’t get to put his eyes out!”

Big Jim relished in the chaos, perhaps reminding himself of the serene chaos of punching cattle.

The Burning MC (of no musical talent) orders the remaining prisoners set aflame.

Dan (defending himself against Rob’s accusations of not playing a chaotic good PC) : “Nobody should be complaining about my actions. Look at you Rob,  all of a sudden someone punches you in the head and it is OK that he be devoured by insects?”

EDITOR’S NOTE: I enjoy Andrew’s participating, but sometimes I wonder if he has ever played any flavor of DnD

Dan: “So I’m Batman with a flaming bag of oil.”

An Idiot’s Reveal

With the twice -rescued, poisoned, and beaten Crusade scout (with a gaping wound across his buttocks) we go to the Shrine of Self-Reliant. They are happy to help, but are nervous about our talk of the Keepers.

Rob: “Look you can see his axe-hole.”
Dan: “This is like the Russian’s locking up their own POWs after they were rescued.”

Now stable and awake, he repeats his report…

They put together a map of the East. This includes the Orcish lands, Gnolls, the lands of the Dark Lord, and a passage to the city of Kargon. He reported hearing of the Marshal Way, the Self Actualized, and the Deathbringers, who believe Acen brings forth the Undead to punish the West. They heard tales of them marshaling their Undead forces underground. The scout thinks we should make contact with at least one of the groups in the East to learn more. The Dark Lord’s lands are civilized. There is trade between the lands of the Dark Lord and the Orc lands. They were able to determine who controls Undead or Orge Mage. The Dark Knights work for Dark Lord. Some of the Eastern population thinks the West is filled with nomadic tribes.

Scout: “… I think we need to make contact with at least one of these groups or I fear we will be lost.”

Big Jim: “We’re already lost buddy.”

…
Scout: “If more than one city is united against us, then we are in trouble.”

After giving his report he was released to go home and rest. An hour later a Dwarf came crashing through his door and then he was unconscious.

This idiot thinks the East must have done this to him, constantly repeating. “I can’t believe that they would do this.”

Big Jim: “He sounds like he is in the very special forces.”
Heleth: “I think I found my future husband.”

The scout redraws the map for us.

Big Jim: “No wonder they want to burn this guy. He is blurting out this non-PC stuff.” (about prot-humans having civilzations)

Father Ilnara: “If you ever meet any of these Self-Actualized,  then correct their ways.”

Before we leave, we sit down in the Shrine entryway and divvy up the loot. We wrap the scout up like a mummy and plan to wheelbarrow him over to the basement of the Soft Skin, but actually just dump him at the Honeycomb Hideout.

Big Jim: “We’ll stick a bag over his head, then it won’t be suspicious.”
…
Spandau: “For a spy, this guy has a big mouth.”
…
Big Jim: “We have so many fucking refugees hanging onto our place.”

Heleth cleans herself, having reach 5th level…

Dan: “Alright Andrew, you’re new things are way too fucking creepy.”

Heleth buys out our neighbor’s home (the Engardos) to start a battered woman’s home down the street.

EDITOR’S NOTE: I find it extremely funny whenever someone asks about one of our neighbors and Louis clearly recites a prepared paragraph.

Closing Arguments

We meet with Lady Allustria.

The session was winding down, so when we decided if to do this tonight, we devolved into Arnold cheese lines.

Louis: “I am just going to put the Paladin token on the Homestead map and you will suspend your disbelief.”

We told her of seeing their scout being burned alive. of course she had no knowledge of the burings, and we spent a lot of time filling her in on the common (foul) elements of her own city. We guessed that she wasa only able to retain her paladinic virtue by completely ignoring the world around her.

EDIOTR’s NOTE: Louis seems very pleased with our reaction to the style of Lordshome of wearing masks.

According to Lady Allustria, the burnings run by the Keepers and to be used only on the East.

Spandau: “…someone is making a power play.”
Big Jim: “Let’s stop saying ‘someone’. We all know who it is.”
Spandau: “I don’t want to throw around accusations.”
Big Jim: “I will. IT’S THE KEEPERS.”

The fools refused to believe us . We need proof to convince them.

We agree to come back with a plan for investigating the East.

Rob: “Great, we’ve got homework.”