LIB 36 – Throwback Campaign Session 19: Nobody’s Fuck Doll

Duration: 7:10 (Total Time: 4d 10h 32m)

This crew has a knack for bringing the party closer and closer to a TPK with them  barely managing to escape (though it’s mostly Aaron’s fault). Sure this happens from time to time in all campaigns, but it seems to happen to Acen’s Angels every mission.

We learned the simplest ranged weapon to train our “soldiers” in is a crossbow. The rock era is over, or so we thought.

We started where we left off, having just killed the Doppleganger.

Andrew was MIA, not answering the phone.

We scooped the bodies into the basement of The Soft Skin. Looting the corpses along the way. We found 4 goodberries on Smirking Man’s corpse and decided to consume them immediately…

Big Jim: “I will take one. Apical, you can have one. Spandau, did you get hit?”

Spandau: “Yeah I did. I got hit in the head with a rock.”

Big Jim: “Actually Apical, you and I can each take two.”

In response, Spandau ate one more goodberry than he needed to fully recover.

In the Basement

We talked to the Thieves Guild in the basement…

Rob: “Quick question. I leveled, should I get hit points?”

Louis: “Yes. What do you mean should you get hit points?”

Dan: “Haven’t you ever played DnD before?”

Rob: “I was wondering if it was an appropriate time. I know exactly how to level.”

Louis: “Yes, it is an appropriate time. Unless you have some sort of freak out and attack the Thieves Guild.”

Aaron: “Just as Rob is about to roll I attack the nearest guy.”

Turns out this was just one crew among Thieves Guild, there are several. They run a couple brothel’s and a gambling hall.

There was speculation on what the Keeper’s are up to… killing lords, spreading disease, killing legal officials. The Groin Fire is spread through social interaction… dipping your wick… There may be a rat in Grimfavel’s (the Thieve’s Guild)  organization – find them with the doppelganger test (this goes somewhere in a little bit). This spy may have been spying on them “through magical means” (the first appearance of the mysterious magical means)…

Grimfavel: “They could have been spying on us through magical means.”

Big Jim: “Oh yeah. That stuff. Good luck with all that. Can we have our potions now?”

We discussed informing the Crusade of what the Keepers are up to.

Relationships

Dan told us of stdmatch.net…

Rob: “Why were you on this site by the way?”

Louis: “What’s he telling us now?”

Aaron: “We’ve had enough surprises of late.”

*laughter*

Dan: “Very good. Let’s get back to the game.”

We will try to talk to Lady Allestra.

Dan (referring to Halfling Assassin): “An assassin who is too short to hit any vital organs.”

We postulated that the Keepers are trying to take out the Poor with the Groin Fire, their plan being to take out the top and bottom of society.

How are the keepers communicating the the East… through magical means?

Grimfavel admitted to us that he is lower on the Thieve’s Guild food chain than he had let on. Basicly he’s just a pimp. It is decided that his crew will lay low in their sewer lair. If they need to hide, there is an entrance to it in the basement of The Soft Skin, or Skon knows how to get in and out of the city without being seen.

Grimfavel’s crew is going to join up with another Thieves Guild.

Some more pro-Sengazia sentiment broke out…

Apical: “What is with all these damn masks?… Masks are for Thieves and mental patients (not Lords).”

Grimfavel: “Not in Sengazia my friend.”

Apical: “Well things in Sengazia are going to have to change or it is going to end up a burning pit.”

Big Jim (slightly empathetically disgusted): “It already is.”

Some theories…

• The Keepers manufactured this entire war/invasion.
• Perhaps the Groin Fire turns you into Undead.

Grimfadel (in reference to the Crusade): “Maybe you should try to help them”.

Big Jim: “Screw them! They wrote this check. They can deal with it themselves. We’re heroes! She’s (Lady Allestra)  probably not a real paladin.” According to Larome there are common folk in Lordshome, or at least outside the south wall.

Big Jim puts forth that the Keepers started this whole invasion thing so there is an excuse to build and army, for which you need a “king”, who will be a puppet for the Keepers.

We discuss plans to offer education for the public.. after the Keepers are gone and we take over. We have to find proof that the Keepers are involved in all of these evil plots.

Grimfadel pointed us to finding out more about The Revealed.

Lady Allustra seems to know something about the Keepers. She seems to have her own suspicions, that she stupidly keeps to herself.

The Doppelganger Challenge

The challenge answer is strawberry.

Geornas: “This is kind of freaking me out…. the idea that the group is going to attack me if I don’t say ‘strawberry.’”

Big Jim: “Well then you better remember to say ‘strawberry’ motherfucker.”

Salesmanship

We took advantage of Heleth’s NPC status and set her to clean stuff before selling.

Sniveling Wayne channeled Sobhal.

We upgraded the feebs that still only had sticks and stones, to crossbows and harpoons.

On being reminded that in old school gaming we get 1 XP per GP. Rob proposed we invade the Noble District. Being the quintessential Type IV gamer Dan pointed out we get XP for roleplaying…

Dan: “Which means we can sit around and redecorate the house all day.”

Aaron: “We can read some books and discuss and walk out as 10th level.”

Louis quickly pointed out that POOR roleplaying is a penalty.

Dan: “That is a loaded statement, Louis, who are YOU to decide what is poor roleplaying?”

Louis: “There are some clear indicators of poor roleplaying. For example, not encountering limners and NPCs that are not dicks. Another indicator is dressing like your character.”

Dan: “I think I just lost some points.”

Louis: “Oh good, you are sitting at home in splint mail huh?”

Dan: “It helps me get into the complex character that is Big Jim Umbrage.”

Louis: “You cannot say you are not facing a complex set of morale challenges.”

Dan: “I think we are doing it very well. There is a lot of, ‘ fuck you I don’t care. All you Nobles can go to hell.””

Discovering a Potion of Flying in the pool started an argument as Louis pointed out that we can’t whip out the potion in combat if it is in a book… remember Rob is a DRUID!

We learned there are barely any Merchant Watch around as they are being put on the front lines, leading to a rise in crime. Big Jim endeavored to create work by having the Merchants hire us to kick down lean-tos, applying the tactic of hysteria.

Dan: “Larna’s Textiles, where the hell did that come from?”

Aaron: “Is that where Rob bought his bed?”

Dan: “Nah, he got it from Exquisite Living. How come I remember this stuff?”

Aaron: “Cause you’re invested in the campaign.”

Louis: “Yes. Exactly. The gritty roleplaying has drawn you in to the point where it sticks in your mind.”

…

Louis: “Lanara is the seamstress.”

Dan: “This is a very REAL campaign.”

Aaron: “There is a remarkable level of minutia… We had to evolve to a higher level of play.”

Dan: “Yeah, we’ll call it that.”

We spoke with Captain Ensilatas. He gave us “news” of the Crusade fucking up. Undead are popping up at night with no discernible pattern.

Some Crusade scouts have been captured while crossing back from the East, over the the mountains. One is dead for sure, according to the one that made it back. They are wondering if someone *choke* would lead a rescue mission. The scouts were on a mission to map the basic lay of the land. They split up, and later joined back together to cross back into the West. On the way back they were ambushed by Bugbears.

Spandau warned me towards dangling my participles at.

While considering the proposal, we concluded our business with the  Crusade by turning over the potions. Turns out even though we did all the work, we are not guaranteed to get the mission unless we prove our loyalty (presumably by taking on this rescue mission). I think Louis is feeding us XP until we are high enough level to venture into the East.

We have to wait until Lady Allestra will grant us an audience. If this happens we can discuss our suspicions of the Keepers, and ask for the mission to infiltrate the East, and finally find ourselves a new life in a better world.

We failed to get free healing potions from the Crusade, but they did heal our current wounds.

Captain Ensilatas’s knowledge of The Revealed was limited to it being a legend. They believe they have some special revelation from Acen (just like every other religion). It was just a line of Light Bringer crap.

Packaging

In lieu of throwing the bag of Keeper tongues at the mercenaries surrounding their keep and run away giggling, a plan abandoned for fear of being followed and The Honeycomb Hideout being burned down, we decided to hire a courier.

Skon: “Just make sure you wear masks when you hire the guy.”

Apical: “That’s fine. We’ll don mask, grab some homeless dude, and pay him a few shekels to deliver this bag.”

Skon: “You might want to dress him up. You have to get him into the noble quarter.”

Apical: “Good point. So you want to do that?”

Big Jim: “That sounds like a lot of effort.”

Apical: “Well these tongues are going to spoil soon.”

…

Apical: “So we all wear masks and find a courier.”

…

Spandau (having to wait in the alley with the Tiger): “You guys better not do anything awesome while I’m not there.”

Any other group might skim over the hiring of a common courier with little to no interest. Not Acen’s Angels.

We quickly trained our feebs in the backyard, at least the ones that are conscious, speak common, and are not predisposed to Druid-like weapons. They honed their skills with a crossbow by shooting the ubiquitous outhouse.

We divided up the loot from sales…

Louis: “I take it you are Screwing Heleth out of her share?”

Dan (very quickly): “Yup”

…

Big Jim: “1 copper each”

Spandau: “I hurl that to the ground in contempt.”

Big Jim: “I will take it then.”

Spandau: “I just want to see if I could get you to bend over.”

Rob tried to argue that a logical approach is that you heal 1HP/level per day. Louis dismissed this immediately since we are using old school.

Castara

It’s a New Day

Time to pay the troops. We reflected upon on we have 1 fellow that works for free and 1 that works for sandwiches.

Time to meet the cleric, Castara.

Rob: “Is she hot?”
Dan: “Look at her token.”
Rob: “She could be fat as hell under that token.”

She has a real attitude.

Castara: “Here’s the ground rules. Rule number one, I’m nobody’s fuck doll.”
Big Jim: “There goes question one.”
Castara: “Rule number two, how much are you going to pay?”
Big Jim: “A butt load.”
Castara: “That’s not real specific.”
…
Castara: “If I cast 10 gold a day, and if not, then 2 gold a day for following your asses around.”
Big Jim: “I miss Jernix.”
Apical: “I think she will be a good influence on Heleth.”

*Break Time*

Aaron: “Can you get Soundburst Rob… probably not.”

After the bio break Louis polled our opinions on the attractiveness of Castara’s icon, and then revealed the truth.

For an audition, we took Castara to Rensil’s Sharp Objects to Detect Magic on the magical sword Big Jim wants…

Big Jim: “Spandau pay attention and make sure she is casting a spell and not just mumbling.”
Spandau: “Yeah, I’m paying attention. Whatever.”

We took our line of “almost homeless” over to Brother Meriam for healing. In the event of a disaster most of the shrine plan to relocate, preferably to Ancara.

Time to Die

Louis: “How many feebs are you taking?”
Dan: “We are taking them ALL! And the Tiger.”

We walk off to the cave where the captured scouts are rumored to be held at (that dangler is for Rob).

On the way an Antank erupted out of the ground.

Sniveling Wayne: “Seeing a bug makes me itch. Whaaa.”

In what should not have been a surprise, Castara threw some rocks for her “ranged weapons”.

Montacore was belted good, being left with a single HP. We dispatched it before it could breathe acid. Only Montacore suffered any damage.

Cave In?

After that short encounter we approached a cave. We sent a HEALTHY Skon inside.

Orges! Finally learning form our extensive cave experience, we had Skon draw the Ogres out towards the narrow cave entrance so we could have an advantage.

Goblin Skirmishers!

Andrew joined. The official story was that she overslept as Spandau slipped her a mickey.

Just like last session, Apical was pelted at the outset.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The combat lasted 3 hours.

Sniveling Wayne: “I got hit in the back of the head with a rock. Whaaa.”

Louis screwed me out of Ki Strike damage.

Goblin Darters!

At this point the second wave of enemies held inside the cave, no longer charging the narrow cave entrance so we could take advantage.

We rolled many critical hits, however roughly half were wasted with minimum damage rolls.

Big Jim cleaves a Goblin Skirmisher in twain!

Big Jim took left at the first bend in the cave, while the rest of the party headed right, except for Spandau and Heleth.

Big Jim: “Scream if you see anything.”
…
Spandau: “You guys are idiots for following Apical. I am following Big Jim.”

In Apical’s group, the majority of the party entered a room and patiently waited for something to enter from the corridor on the far side….

Apical (following the aforementioned order): “OGRE!”

Big Jim killed the apparent Goblins, and then headed off to join the main force. Spandau got caught alone vs several Goblin Skirmishers, who waited until Big Jim passed by. The Skirmishers pelted Spandau with rocks. Due to the Goblin’s superior vision Spandau was hit from out of the dark. Trying to resolve this issue Spandau cast light on his own wooden shield. Unfortunately the Goblin’s still stood just beyond his light. Geornas was not much help.

Magical Means appeared to explain a screw up in the initiative order.

Spandau started swinging his expert scimitar around and felled a Goblin, which led to immediate boasting.

Big Jim heard some mumbling and ran over to see what Spandau was complaining about.

Back with Apical, 3 Bugbears entered the room.

Spandau was fucking around with 4 Goblins for several round and then Big Jim entered, shoved Spandau out of the way, and took them out right quick. Haza Q-bert for Combat Dominance.

Apical took the first Bugbear Guard down with a critical arrow shot.

Next round, Big Jim cut down two Goblins. No problem.

Spandau charges, Han Solo style, down the corridor after the last Goblin.

After poor bout of screaming across the corridor, Big Jim decides to run after Spandau.

Apical’s spies a Bugbear Commander approaching down the corridor.

Sniveling Wayne takes a critical hit from a Bugbear, and dies immediately, sniveling his last. Acen does not favor those that abandon the Stick and Urine store.

Sniveling Wayne: “Sell all my stuff. Whaa. Tell my mom I was alive all this time. Whaa.”

With Spandau and Big Jim still giving chase to the last Goblin Skirmisher…

Big Jim: “This guy needs to stand still so we can kill him.”

Big Jim tackles Goblin Skirmisher 1.

Bugbear Guard steps up, stepping on poor Ornery Ex-Cooper.

Bugbear Cleric!

Spandau kicks Goblin Skirmisher in the teeth, knocking him unconscious.

Bugbear Commander charges up and attacks Apical, clocking him with a big morning star for 5 points.

With the Skirmisher unconscious, Big Jim continues to run down the corridor, hoping the passage will connect up with itself, giving the Bugbears a surprise from behind.

Louis: “Spandau?”
Spandau: “Yeah! Spandau time. I guess I will run after Jim because I don’t like to be alone.”

Bugbear Commander attacks Apical. They discard him for being short when it is convenient.

Louis finally removes Montacore from the initiative order.

Big Jim runs into a pack of Wargs. While being bitten and dragged to the ground, Spandau contemplates how to befriend the Wargs.

Louis: “You’re tripped.”
Dan: “Ahh!”
Louis: “You’re initiative is reduced to 0.”
Dan: “For fuck’s sake.”
Andrew: “You have Spandau backing you up. What could go wrong?”
Rob: “Yeah, don’t worry the Spanmeister is on the case.”
Dan: “Oh yeah, when you finally get up here in 2 rounds. While my throat is being ripped out. Fuck you! I’ll kill you all!”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Every exclamation mark on Big Jim’s speech is very reflective of Big Jim’s true emotions.

Bugbear Guard 2 takes down Confused Foreigner.

Dan: “You’re screwing us here Louis.”

Bugbear Cleric hits Apical’s group with Soundburst, hitting Apical, Lazy Drunk, Ornery Ex-Cooper, Grizzled Refugee, and Castara. Apical is stunned. Ornery Ex-Cooper goes down. Grizzled Refugee dies. Lazy Drunk is stunned. Confused Foreigner is still unconscious. Heleth, Skon and Castara are left unstunned and alive. The party is in sad shape.

Spandau: “Well Big Jim, what do you think of starting our own party.”

Big Jim rolls around on the ground while 3 Wargs bit him.

Castara catches Bugbear Commander and Bugbear Guard in a Soundburst; taking down Bugbear Commander and stunning Bugbear Guard.

Rob’s rules lawyering pays an unexpected benefit by allowing Skon to do some additional damage.

Bugbear Cleric casts Hold Person on Lazy Drunk.

Castara finishes off Bugbear Guard with a critical rock hit…

Castara: “Take that asshole.”
Apical: “She’s Self Reliant.”

Big Jim downs a Warg.

The forgotten Geornas continues to mozy up to Spandau.

Skon critically hits (4 points) Bugbear Cleric.

Apical quaffs his valuable Cure Critical potion.

Spandau: “Is that one Big Jim just killed dead dead or just losing hit points?”
Big Jim: “For god’s sake. Kill one of the ones that are attacking me, you asshole.”

Heleth starts dragging the unconscious Confused Foreigner backwards. Will the key to the campaign be lost? He ought to be given how laisserfaire we are with his safety.

Castara drags Ornery Ex-Cooper backwards.

Apical covers the hallway where Bugbear Cleric is hiding, waiting for him to appear as he covers the unconscious Lazy Drunk until he wakes up or Heleth or Castara comes back from dragging the other unconscious party members, but decides to take the opportunity to loot Sniveling Wayne’s corpse. Satisfying his dying wish.

Georgnas buries his Warhammer in the unconscious Goblin Skirmishers skull.

Bugbear Cleric pops out of hiding and nails Apical while he is rounds out of the darkness while he is bent over looting. Apical exchanges blows with Bugbear Cleric and then the Cleric disappears into the darkness. We hear drinking sounds…

Heleth: “Aw, he is drinking our loot.”

Big Jim discovers the tunnel does not circle around, drinks a Cure Serious Potion, turns, and books back towards Apical’s group.

Spandau: “Where the hell are you going? You’re guarding me.”
…
Big Jim (passing Geornas): “What are you doing here?”
Geornas: “I’m looking for Spandau.”
Big Jim: “Dick… You loser! Get back here!”

This time, instead of looting, the remaining party angles so they can fire at the Bugbear Cleric.

Castara lands another critical hit.

Lazy Drunk is out of bolts, so he throws a javelin. The party is running out of ammunition.

Meanwhile, Spandau is casting animal friendship.

Heleth fires her last arrow… critical hit!

Due to his protective spell, we need a 20 to hit Bugbear Cleric, so after a flurry of misses, the Bugbear Cleric steps up and knocks Skon unconscious.

Heleth screams in terror and flees.
Rob: “I am watching my reputation as a coward become second worst.”

Lazy Drunk goes down, bleeding to death.

Heleth fires her last ditch, a hand crossbow, and lands a critical hit!

Bugbear Cleric takes down Castara (unconscious).

Spandau finished his spell, and without any idea if it is successful, orders Georgnas to drag the Warg back.

Big Jim is getting closer.

After getting hit by Bugbear Cleric again…

Aaron: “Come on!”
Louis: “He has the favor of Acen.”
Aaron: “No he doesn’t. He’s a protohuman. He should be a mumbling idiot.”

The party is down to it’s last leg.

Big Jim appears around the corner….

Big Jim: What he hell is going on!… I turn around for 2 minutes and you all drop dead.

Spurred on by the appearance of Jim, showing up out of nowhere, like a superhero (but actually having no other choice left), Apical nails Bugbear Cleric; killing him. Then turns around…

Apical: (takes a deep breath, and covered in blood) “And that’s how we do it.”

The session ends abruptly as it is 2:40 AM ET.

Technically only Sniveling Wayne (killed by bugbear running out of darkness and smacking him) and Grizzled Refugee (Soundburst) died.

Another combat we barely survived. Again dancing the line. Our troops are developing the skill to take just enough damage to be knocked unconscious and/or stop themselves from bleeding to death. This is a relief, as it cuts down on the recruiting.