LIB 33 – Throwback Campaign Session 16: Legal Battle

Duration: 5:46+

Slow Start

Rob had the bright idea of moving his computer on top of his desk, so his sound improved greatly.

There have been no more shakedowns at the stick-and-urine store.

We tried to get Confused Foreigner to write so we could decipher, but the idiot is illiterate. While thinking of options we fell into another pit of deep campaign history in recounting that all the Sages were run out of town. Spandau came up with the of using the Tongues spell as a route to solving the mystery.

Some earthen fortifications has been built around Sengazia.

Jorge: “I’m busy looking at this dagger, would ya keep it down.”

Heleth requested soap for cleaning…

Spandau: “I could whip up some…”
Big Jim: “No. No thank you.”

Selling Spree

We have a quick discussion if “douche” is a sundry.

Rensil’s Sharp Objects

Heleth’s warped perception of value was ruining our negotiations.

In another stunning display of salesmanship…

Big Jim: “Oh! Oh! Oh! Why don’t you rape my grandmother’s dead mouth right now!”
Rensil became upset that this.
Big Jim: “He’s being a real ass tick today.”

Rohan’s Medium Armory

Big Jim: “What’s our relationship with him?”
Apical: “He is pretty chipper and has a high tolerance for our bullshit.”

There was some talk of cutting his (Rohan) children’s rations because of the deal Big Jim wanted.

We learned that only veterans of at least 2 battles are given a medium steel shield.

On our way out Rohan offered us some enchanted studded leather. Spandau spoke up, but then remembered his recently gotten fancy-looking armor. Big Jim questioned if Heleth could wear studded leather, to whit Louis stated she would take a penalty to her thief abilities. This seemed odd so Dan questioned why…

Louis: “Because this is an old school game, and they brown you at every opportunity. That’s why…. I’m just saying.”

Rohan: “You have already skinned me so much for silver I am raw.”

Valerie’s Flails and Sundries

Louis: “Valeria is a relatively ugly Half Orc.”

We started to make amends by asking for a douche. She bacame verbally abusive towards us.

Big Jim: “We have this lovely light mace we thought you would like.”
Valerie: “Is this a peace offering?”
Big Jim: “No, of course not.”
*long pause*
Valerie: “TWO SILVER”
Big Jim: “FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!”
…
Heleth (meekly to Valerie): “I’m very sorry.”

We left Valerie’s even more endeared than whence we entered.

Spandau complained that no one has counter help.

SIDE NOTE: Basic Outfitters has a lot of counter help, all wearing the same outfit, except manage who wears a scarf.

Praveen’s Leathery Goods

We talked of more deaths in the family, it is going around. Spandau laughs. Heleth cries.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Thank Acen Heleth’s life to this point was so sheltered, otherwise how the hell was she experiencing enough in this session to gain a level.

While trying to sell some hide armor…

Praveen: “Anything else for sale?”
Big Jim: “Yeah, 12 hide armors.”
Spandau: “You can enchant those.”
Praveen: “Ohhh… these barely look fit for Humans.. look, this has the stain of feces.”
Big Jim: “No, that’s just a new soap we’re using.”
Praveen: “Someone has sewn a tail into the hide.”
Big jim: “That’s decoration. It should raise the price.”
Praveen: “Here, they’ve used the anus for flexibility.”
Spandau: “That’s a feature.”

Hunting Supply Store

On the way Dan uncovers the mysterious “House” on the map, but that is a story for another time.

We fed her the standard grandmother death scheme…

Spandau: “The advantage of the long bow is it is not susceptible to damp conditions.”
Apical: “And the rainy season is upon us.”
Dan: “I guess that history degree paid off after all.”
…
Big Jim (Wailing over the price offered): “Will my grandmother have to be buried in a paupers grave?”
Spandau: “Perhaps some sort of half dug ditch in a backyard.”
Argolon: “I’m sorry sir, but I am not responsible for your grandmother’s burial.”
Big Jim: “Well, you almost are.”
…
Big Jim: “And she left left us these many slings from her many Halfling lovers.”

Argolon: “Crossbows are useful for hunting two legged game…”
Big Jim: “Ooh, who cares.”

Basic Outfitters

We are offered the basic rates for our items.
Big Jim: “2 gold and 5 silver! It is a warhammer! It has war in the name!”
…
Smith: “At Basic Outfitters we endeavor to service people of all reading levels (there is a unique, gritty statement).”

Upper Class Protection

The wall around the Noble District has paused to work on the wall outside the city (only the Noble District of course). There is an increase in guard patrols around the Noble District.

We noticed the Keepers “fortress” is surrounded by an array of henchmen. We grabbed a guy on the street to question him about the fortress. This quickly escalated when Big Jim rummaged through the guy’s pockets. He screamed, claiming robbery. Big Jim pushed him down, then Spandau kicked him. Big Jim yelled, “HERETIC” and we walked away.

Dan: “This time we were the random encounter.”

Heleth tried to hide in the shadows while Spandau loudly pointed out her position.

EDITOR’S NOTE: After he umpteenth time listening to Dan bargaining, it is quite clear Big Jim is nicer to the merchants in the Noble District.

Self Reliant Shrine

On learning the tenant of the Self Reliant
Heleth: “Maybe that is why my brother died.”
Brother Meriam: “Well, you can’t say he failed just because he died. After all everyone dies.” (eerily similar to the past precept that 98 of all people who died ate)

We asked for a Tongues spell, but Brother Meriam has never heard of Acen granting his priests this spell.

Louis: “You can’t assume Acen grants all clerical spells.”
Rob: “I most certainly can. it is my right as a PC.”
Louis: “Well you can assume it, but you may find out otherwise.”

We found out that in recent years the Lords have been passing laws to prevent wizards from offering their services to the general public.

Heleth makes a donation on the way out…
Heleth: “I’m sorry it can’t be more.”
Brother Meriam: “In the future after you have relied on yourself I am sure you will amass more wealth.”
Dan: “To give to us.”
Aaron: “Well they need that money for all the individual escape tunnels they are building.”

Salesmanship

We check in with the store. Louis informs us Ornery Ex-Cooper and Sniveling Wayne are not the best salesmen. SHOCK! Sniveling Wayne is whiny and Ornery Ex-Cooper pisses people off. Apical thinks business is kept away cause we have not “played the game” or a status symbol without a roof over the stand – this irrational fear of rain is being brought up again and again.

Apical haggled with Joran’s Cloth, for a tent, with no poles, and several holes, to use as a cover to the stick and urine store. It is just good enough that the Watch will not think we are a lean-to.

Louis: “OK, you pay 4 gold for a ripped tent top.”

Heleth will spend the next few nights sewing the holes, while Spandau is in charge of poles.

We noticed Eastern Wagons in the Market Square…
Apical:”That is blasphemous!”
Heleth: “It is on the eastern part of the square.”
Apical: “I dunno, they still seem like they should be hassled.”

We meet Skon at the stick and urine store. Skon reports THEY were disappointed we did not get everything back. We will meet again, half an hour before eye close. They are happy about the damage we did (heads).

Big Jim: “You didn’t mention anything else?”
Skon: “Anything else? What do you mean?”
Big Jim: “Damn it, you know what I’m talking about.”
*long pause*
Skon: “I don’t know what you mean.”

…Big Jim: “They are trying to fuck us over. Get your weapons ready we are going to do some fucking ourselves.”

From here the part split up.

Big Jim and Apical checked in with the Crusade. The potions allow you to pass as an Orc or Hobgoblin (or Goblin/Kobold for smaller beings), and speak their language from one eye open until the next. We need to establish a price with the Thieve’s Guild, then the Crusade will give us money.

Big Jim: “OK, one thing we are not going to do is look into the death of the nobles, because I don’t care.”

Poles

Apical: “Poles are basically sticks, and sticks are outside. That is druid’s work.”

Rob: “I am going foraging, but am really going down to 4th Street.” (to the whore houses)

Spandau’s adventure to 4th Street deserves an audio clip.

Spandau takes Grindek’s suggestion to steal some poles from the public burning stand, but ends up stealing poles from a beggar’s lean-to.

Communications

We inquired at the Adventurer’s Guild about hiring someone to help us communicate with Confused Foreigner. Again we heard of the outlawing of selling wizard spells. Acen is fucking us.

SIDE NOTE: It was noted here that NPCs that are helpful and polite are a sign of poor roleplaying.

We placed Leonard of Acen post-humously on and off the charter. Then added Heleth (too soon).

We go back and get all our guys to bring to meet the Thieve’s Guild…
Big Jim: “I have a feeling they are gonna try to fuck us, and I want to show a force.”

Spandau is pissed at his custom bed not being delivered on time. He threatened to given them a booting.
Spandau: “I’ll warp the shit our of their store!”

Den of Thieves

We move out meet the Thieve’s Guild…

Louis: “There may be countless guys in windows with crossbows.”
Dan: “No doubt. We brought enough guys so we probably won’t be shot immediately.”

We stuck to the story that “there is nothing left ALIVE back there”.

The party haggled with the thieves. They wihsing to know where all of their stolen loot was,a dn we insisting that it had been probably been shipped back East. Then the theieves mentioned a mysterious house were some group was holed up. Instead of all 12 potions, they give us 6 now and the other 6 once we investigate the mysterious house. After this the party planned to part ways with the thieves.

Together we postulated a number of things; that the Lordshome nobles are trying to take over all of the West, and there is no real threat from the East. The Thieve’s Guild cannot investigate these things themselves.

The house in the slums may have something to do with an external group; a group that has been spreading plaque in the streets. Outbreaks of the “Groin Fire” are everywhere. Spandau looked around nervously.

Big Jim (to Thieve’s Guild): “You send some of your boys out to warn some of these lords… then we can stir them up against each other. Then they will destroy each other. Then we can rise up as lords of the city.”

NOTE: The limit on what makes a group and army is now 200. We all missed this during play.

Big Jim: “It’s pay day for the plebs.”
…
We considered the division of spoils

Apical: (to Heleth) “Don’t worry your not getting your hands on that platinum.”

We divvied up the shit and start the next morning.

Louis: “As the items get more powerful the staring may take longer, or you may need better people to stare at it.”
We considered hiring several people just to stare at stuff, in shifts.
*insert jokes about qualified starer*
*insert Andrew’s assertions about identifying*
Louis: “I don’t know where your getting any of that stuff. I’m not doing any of that. This is Castles and Crusades man. This is garbage.”

A runner appeared at the house to inform us: “I wanted to let you know the delivery crew will be here sometime between mid-day and eye close.” (with Spandau’s custom bed)
…
Messenger: “Will all animals be secure?… Have an adult here?”
Andrew: “God, even the bed delivery is gritty in this game.”
Aaron: “In what game have you ever had a custom bed ordered and delivered. Let alone have to roleplay the delivery in multiple stages.”

QUESTION: Why was the bed late?

In the morning Big Jim approaches Ornery Ex-Cooper and Sniveling Wayne…
Big Jim: “Don’t you have some urine to sell?”

We headed to the Adventurer’s Guild. While Apical and Big Jim spoke to a translator for Confused Foreigner, Heleth hired a bold young man as a bodyguard. When asked if he had ever killed someone…

Zaxin: “I hit him over the head with a bar stool, and then I stood on his neck until he was dead.”
…
Heleth: “Do you swear to Acen?”
Zaxin: “Of course. I swear I will serve you faithfully each week you pay me 2 gold.”
Zaxin is rather loquacious.

Big Jim visited Upper Class Armorers to order Plate Mail, the kind that works.

Macharia, a traveling bard and general loremaster, answered our ad for someone experienced in languages. He told us a fantastically entertaining story of an Ank-Ank…
Macharia: “It erupted out of the ground and devoured the man next to me…. I watched in horror as a man was melted before my very eyes!”

After some incoherent babbling with Confused Foreigner Macharia told us Foreigner’s language is a little like Hobgoblin, and seems like an ancient dialect of Common. He translated literally a few words: forgetting, crypt, mummy

Macharia asked him something about Acen but when Foreigner tried to say something his lips seemingly glued together.

Spandau: “Sounds like we need to keep this guy around.”
Big Jim: “Then I am glad he didn’t get perforated with arrows.”

Paper Pushers

We next visited the city clerk to find our who owns the mysterious house.

FORESHADOWING… Big Jim: “Apical you want to take case of this. I’m going to strangle this guy.”

Big Jim grabs the clerk…
Clerk: “Hey!? Are you threatening me?”
Big Jim: “No, I’m trying to get your attention.”

After the clerks sent the one with a limp to fetch the files, we learned the house is owned by “The Society for the Protection of Wellness” and the paperwork was signed for by a lawyer named Balosa. We tried to bribe the clerks with “Mr. Platinum Piece” but they were too stupid or naive to know what a bribe is.

We promptly left for Balosa’s office. It, luckily, was a separate building, set apart. As we approached we noticed a “dude in a cloak” standing outside…
Louis: “… kind of a swarthy complexion…”
Big Jim: “Sounds kind of evil.”

The dude asked us who were were, and after a long pause we told him we were from the Society of Wellness. He opened the door to check with Balosa and we burst in…

Spandau: “Out of the way functionary.”
Big Jim: *draws his sword* OK, try it pretty boy I’ll split you in two.”

Spandau hauls the cloaked guy inside.

Louis: “OK, how many of you are you trying to pile in the door?”
Dan: “You don’t have to say it in such an undignified manner.”

Balosa: “And what organized crime do you represent?”
*several people*: “Uh, no one. Nobody. We’re highly disorganized.”

Balosa wasn’t too cooperative at first (hard to imagine)…

Balosa: “You’d be well advised to leave it alone.”
Dan: “I bash the guard in the head…”

As the fight breaks out, Jernix leaves the room. Spandau nabs a Knickknack Type A. Apical knocks Balosa unconscious. Big Jim criticals the guard. Spandau kills the cloaked man.

In retrospect we are screwed as Jernix saw us commit murder. Kind of.

Apical casually walks down the street and steals a rain barrel. We shove the Balosa in the barrel, set the office on fire and casually walk out.

Suddenly we had a concern about the guy we just hired…
Heleth: “There were very bad people.”
Zaxis: “I believe you.” (as long as the 2 gold a week keeps coming)

In the quintessential example of bad timing, as we get back to the house with the kidnapped Balosa, the delivery service shows up. Four guys carry the bed in and take an extra long time setting it up perfectly because Spandau paid for the extra service. We hide the barrel in the kitchen (next to Jorge starring) until they leave.

After being dragged in front of the tiger Balosa was more colloquial. He reported that the representatives he dealt with from the Society for the Protection of Wellness implied they are in league with the Keepers. Bastards!

The questioning ended abruptly when Heleth stabbed Balosa in the knee. Louis enjoyed this in-character conversation immensely.

The recording died here when Skype died during play, but we were almost complete.

We dumped the guy in the barrel under one of slum houses, and then we did a little scouting around the mysterious house. Louis lectured Andrew on how lighting works in MapTool.