LIB 31 – The Throwback Campaign, Session 14: Right For US

Duration: 6:02

Pre-Session Banter Highlight

Dan: MapTool has ruined me.
Louis: Dan can never again visualize sitting around a table talking again.

Larome

Picking up where we left off; we headed back to town with the young rogue Larome. Questioning as to where Louis gets his NPC names. He admitted they often are the names of those that work on his home. This begged the question, “What part of your home did Larome re-tile?”

This led into the imminent, momentous circumstance where upon Louis will be able to unsheathe the kitchen garbage can they purchased 5 years ago! The garbage can will be “deployed” within a few weeks. A followup will be needed next session. In an ironic twist this is a “Simple Human” brand garbage can.

Larome took us to 4th Street to signal the Thieve’s Guild. After Larome whistled we waiting for the Guild representatives to show. While waiting we discovered Larome is a woman?! This erupted into a chaotic discussion, which closed upon learning an immutable fact of Vestibule:

Usually when given a strange name that leads to promiscuity.

Finally Grine Deck (MALE) showed up. We reported what happened at the Guild Enclave. Big Jim’s postulated that the Enclave could not defend itself due to being filled with guys all trying to hide in shadows, hence they kept knocking each other out of side shadows. We informed Grine-Deck of our purpose to trade for 2 disguise potions. We agreed to meet him the next day, after he reported to “others.” Spandau threw in the request for a potion that would make a tiger look like a dire wolf. Grine-Deck’s reaction implied that the potions will not disguise our voices.

Side Shit

Dan told us of the Runequest II RL campaign. His group needed money so Dan suggested they open a sticks and urine store, but the GM would not let them, saying no one would buy that crap. This bewildering campaign includes pleasant NPCs.

Louis: That is an indicator of poor roleplaying. What kind of challenge is that if the NPCs are helpful?

Tomfoolery

With a day to kill, the party split up. Apical visited the shrine of the Self-Reliant. Spandau headed back to the Honeycomb Hideout. Big Jim got drunk for 2 silver then stumbled back home.

Big Jim: I get belligerent with anyone who looks at me.

At the Self-Reliant shrine Apical met Brother Meriam’s new apprentice, Bother Sphencen (MALE).

Brother Meriam spoke of The Revealed, a secret society that fears persecution. Some of the Self-Reliant are attending these meetings in back rooms of taverns and people’s homes. The Keepers are also looking for The Revealed. We may have to talk to them.

Brother Meriam has never heard of the Self-Actualized, but suggested that if we find any of these perverse religions we show them how good Acen is by killing them immediately. Actually he did not says in those words, but Dan sure did.

Other news the Brother shared with us is that the Crusade will indeed begin conscription. Initially the conscripts will be used as a work for to complete defenses around the Noble District.

Apical, understandably concerned for his Self-Reliant brothers, inquired as to their evacuation plan should the temple be overrun. The universal plan of the Self-Reliant would be in effect… every man for himself!

A final conversation at the temple shed no more light on the origin of Enki’s Crossing. It is said someone known as Enki crossed the mountains at Enki’s Crossing, but no one knows which way he was traveling.

Before Apical could leave, the earlier conversation of questionable names infected the Self-Reliant temple. This concluded with the summation that the streets of Sengazia are filled with androgenously named people.

Apical now returned to the Honeycomb Hideout. Soon after Big Jim staggered home. He tried to use his childhood trauma and camping trivia to pick up chicks, but as he was alone I can only surmise failure. However, the news that the Crusade was beginning conscription was immediately sobering for Big Jim. The draft set aflame his sense of civic unrest.

Now it was time to make use of the group’s fine chamber pots. Big Jim demonstrated his pot to our neighbors by using it on their front lawn. We realized our latrine home improvement had been halted as Sludge has left this world, and I doubt he is returning to complete our latrine, leaving us with a half complete latrine.

Ornery Ex-Cooper and Sniveling Wayne reported no news on the stick and urine store front.

Leonard of Acen needs to be added to the charter.

While discussing various minutia, to demonstrate his chamber pot skill, Dan drew a urine puddle on the front lawn.

… back to Leonard, who awoke as a Ranger, needs a sword. Also, his protohuman hatred will force us to leave him behind should we decide to defect to the East.

Big Jim: I am starting to suspect that neither side is really that good.
Apical: The more we learn the more I get the idea we should permanently emigrate to the East.
Big Jim: Yeah, and if they turn out to be jerks we’ll start our own perfect utopia society.

If the disguise potions do not disguise our voices we will have to practice Goblin voices, which will provide quite a challenge since none of us has ever heard a Goblin speak, and anyone who would know how to speak Goblin would never admit to it. According to our earlier exchange with Grine-Deck, the disguise potions will likely cause the party to appear as Orcs, except for Apical who, given his shorter stature, will appear as a Goblin. We are to collect intelligence from the East, but we have no fucking idea where to go, aside from the nearest city, not to mention the calamity it will cause with our presumably undisguised voices.

Apical: If people are jerks in bars here, just imagine what it will be like in a protohuman bar.

Attention now turned towards Monticore, Spandau’s so-dubbed tiger. Given Monticore’s history of prisoner nourishment, child concerns arose. Big Jim proposed a straightforward solution of taking Monticore to the slums, but instead Spandau crammed 8 goodberries down the tiger’s throat, awkward at best; good thing goodberries are universally devoured by all hungry life forms.

An argument over where to keep Monticore commenced. Perhaps we should keep him locked in the kitchen?

Big Jim: Your pet is now offically a pain in the ass.
Apical: Just wait until we forget the tiger is in the kitchen.

The typical solution was presented, “hey man, I’m a druid”, which got us nowhere. Not to mention that without Goldthwaite our lucrative Bobcat business was ruined. Half the stick and urine business is down the tubes. We are going to look pretty stupid with just a stick store. We decided upon a solution of soaking up the tiger’s urine, post-spill in order to collect the “raw” material Spandau needed to make unguents. A new level of grit was achieved.

In the end Monticore’s place is in the dining room, at least until Spandau can train him.

Outside The Soft Skin

The next morning, precisely 2 hours after eye open, we met the Thieve’s Guild outside The Soft Skin. Their envoys were Grine-Deck, Scon, and Grimfavel (MALE), some old Half-Elf. The previous night the Guild checked our references: Scon and Larome. The Guild has been monitoring us since we stopped the breeding project.

I note here that the party has been moving from an attitude of apathy towards Scon’s spying to casual murder plans. We have decided he is sinister because he is associated with The Keepers. So it was a relief that Scon was reporting us to the Thieve’s Guild.

Apical: We were afraid Scon was reporting on us to another organization.
Grimfavel: What organization?
Apical: I can’t say for sure. I might have to KEEP it a secret *wink*

The Guild will give us 2 sample potions in exchange for investigating the cliff stronghold that they have targeted as the source of the Enclave destroying force. Our primary goal is the gather information, but the Guild will not shed a tear of we kill them. We may even earn a bonus, or at least the favor of the Guild, if we dispatch Cliff Stronghold. Scon will accompany us, and make the report when we return, unless something unfortunate happens to him. If we complete the mission they will give us up to 12 disguise potions.

Big Jim: Do we get some kind of discount at your whore houses?
Grimfavel: No, they are already marked down as much as possible without devaluing the merchandise.
…
Grimfavel: If you are into the rough stiff I can suggest Vore’s Dungeon south of here.

Crusade Check-In

Now that we had secured the sample potions it was time to turn them into the Crusade for testing, and to collect our 200GP each! We reported in to Lt. Jonas. He informed us that several of the conscripted peasants have become sick due to some minor plague. Luckily they are being paid in medical care. We wouldn’t want the Crusade to waste a single copper.

As for the interrogation of the Fanatic Priests we turned in last time, they had been strangled by the Keeper interrogators. Hmmm. Seems the prisoner was repeatedly garroted.

Lt. Jonas: It was an unfortunate excess of interrogating.
Big Jim: Didn’t the guard stop him from strangling the guy?
Lt. Jonas: No.
Big Jim: Why the hell not?
Lt. Jonas: He was attempting to apply pressure to his neck to create the sensation of being strangled.
Big Jim: Apparently he succeeded in that one.

As we had previously learned, the considered conscription has commenced. Top priority is to complete the dirt rampart, archer positions, and sentry posts surrounding the Noble District. If they Crusade can conscript at least 7000 peasants they estimate the defenses can be completed in 7-8 weeks.

The latest battle news; the forces in the Koran Pass have held, with only some intermittent Goblin harassment raids. The Crusade has only lost a few poison needlers.

We turned our sample potions into Captain Ensiladas, collecting our payment and the 100PP they gave us to purchase the potions.

Big Jim: We are now officially war profiteers.
…
Big Jim: We are just getting our taxes back. (of which we have paid none)

We inquired upon the currency the East uses. No idea. Maybe teeth or stale dung?

Our schedule works our well, as it will take the Crusade a few days to properly test the potions. Their mages will stare at the potions, and a “volunteer” will sample one.

We gave Leonard of Acen some of our payment for phase 1, so he can finally get that long sword he has been dreaming of, also some to Jernix.

The March of Feebs

In preparation for Cliff Stronghold it was now time again to replenish our Human shield supply. We started with aspirations of hiring a cleric with Soundburst, or a mage with an area affect spell. Instead of the usual Slums, this time we started in the Noble Quarter with our gold piece sign. We had hoped to at lest find feebs that had their own equipment, but quickly decided to try the Adventurer’s Guild.

The Guild listed six people looking for work. Get ready for this.

• Grizzled Refuge (MALE) – apparently illiterate; has padded armor and a club; intriguing
• Confused Foreigner (MALE) – “a confused foreigner stopped by and appeared to be looking for work” – Big Jim: “I like his style.”; will work for FOOD – Big Jim: “OK, but nothing too fancy.”
• Irritable Gnome (MALE) – read name Zaxus; “Illusionist Extraordinaire”; tried to sell us on the usefulness of his Dancing Lights and Ghost Sounds; sounds like a “Rob” character
• Seeker (MALE) – Elf archer/HtH; “kicked out” of his home to discover the origins of his grandparents
• Jornas (MALE) – “I want to be a Druid.”; will work for food and the “honor” be learning he path of nature from Spandau; Big Jim – “We already have a Jernix. We would get their names mixed up.”
• Thalax (MALE) – friendless pikeman

Our initially we wanted Grizzled Refuge, Confused Foreigner, and Zaxus (Irritable Gnome).

Louis: Boy, you really like people who fall into a certain mold.
Big Jim: They have to be RIGHT FOR US.

In the end we hired everybody.

It took awhile to call in the Confused Foreigner (he does not speak common) because he was lost in the city. Upon hiring we acquired him a moldy sandwich.

Next into the interview was Grizzled Refugee. He had a thick Fennelton accent, and of course, used to be a brewer.

Apical: Now you’re gonna brew up some whoop ass.
…
Big Jim: Don’t you have a brewing hammer or something?

Next up was Zaxus, who was very proud of his ability to distract stupid opponents with Dancing Lights. His other skills included prestidigitation and Ghost Sound, which is excellent for setting up a backstab.

Big Jim: What if you cannot backstab the guy?
Zaxus: THEN YOU STAB HIM IN THE FRONT!

Turns out his “spells” are merely innate Gnomish abilities. He hired him, but Big Jim had some constructive criticism to pass along…

Big Jim: He needs to stop misrepresenting himself.

SIDE NOTE: We are remarkably cheap when it comes to hirelings, and we wonder why we cannot surpass rock-throwers.

Having hired the “cream of the crop” we decided, what the hell, and interview the 3 “losers”. Some hirelings never live to collect a pay check.

First up was Thalax who showcased himself by repeatedly setting for a charge with his pike. Since we are entering a cave he will be stuck with a club, unless he has 9 friends to form a phalanx. We saw some big time foreshadowing as Spandau and Big Jim did not like this guy in specific. The most useful thing from Thalax is the news that Fennelton is being overrun by forces from the East. Add that to the long list of hooks to investigate.

Now it was time to interview Seeker. He told us he was sent out from Elverie to explore the world. What a mistake, as Big Jim jumped on this – giving Seeker the third degree. After Seeker gave us some gobblety-gook about creation…

Seeker: … so the question is what happened to my grandmother.
Big Jim: It was the immaculate masturbation.
…
Big Jim: He is not gonna last that long either, but that’s OK. I’m having a lot of fun here.

After finding out Seeker wanted “…just enough for my board and food. 8 copper a day.” Big Jim was flabbergasted…

Big Jim: What do you eat man? Elephants?
Seeker: Vegetarian (mostly). We eat meat at festivals.

The interview ended abruptly after that. Too much background information.

We took a moment to reflect upon our hiring package…

Big Jim: We have a terrible mortality rate, but after your first mission you’ll be able to afford some cream for your rashes.
Apical: And we have an excellent sobriety program.

The final meat sack was Jornas. This loser was super eager to become a Druid. Some misplaced childhood dream, probably begotten when he was pelted by sticks and stones.

Spandau: So you think you have control over the forces of nature do ya? *shove*

Jornas sucked up to Spandau big time, and naturally Rob gobbled it up. So we acquired another winner who will work for food. Lesson One, proper care and maintenance of a tiger

EDITOR’S NOTE: This whole hiring process was hilarious.

Louis: Wait until the conscription starts and the only people you can hire are draft dodgers.

Once we had recruited our new army we suddenly became concerned over OUR resources being drafted, well Big Jim was concerned, Spandau and Apical were apathetic. We promptly visited Will, who had been transferred to help plan the conscription.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Will is the most valuable contact in any game I have ever played, and quite a bit more valuable than some RL contacts.

Will handed us 8 medallions to exempt our friends and loved ones.

Big Jim: OK, so that’s one for me, and one for Fistulina.

Trivia – There are approximately 60-100 thousand people in Sengazia.

We slipped Will a silver piece and were on our way. As eye close was approaching we had our new recruits meet us in the Henesey Lot across the street. We left Ornery Ex-Cooper and Sniveling Wayne behind to “keep feelers out”, and Jorge (house castilian) and Gomwell can keep an eye on the house. All of them were gifted a medallion.

Helping Others

As we trekked across the open plains we spied a column of smoke an hours outside the city. A wagon caravan was being attacked by a group of roaming Bugbears. As Bugbear scalps currently return a bounty of 4 gp each we sprung to the rescue.

Thalax immediately took a critical from Bugbear Marauder and dropped dead, sucks to be a lone pikeman. Bugbear Marauder was the beast of the enemies; rolling 2 natural 20s in a row – taking out Thalax in one shot and criticalling Big Jim (Jim gets critical’d for minimum damage frequently), and culminating in a save vs. Apical’s Stunning Fist attack. Not to mention he later saved vs. Spandau’s emasculating Warp Wood.

Jornas somehow managed to sink lower on the scale of usefulness by beaning Grizzled Refuge int he back of the head with a rock while engaged with a Bugbear. Although he put up a decent fight Grizzled Refuge went down, but thanks to quick bandaging by Jernix, we did not die.

EDITOR’s NOTE: Louis is always snarky when saying “Apical.”

Dan wanted some new dice… alas in the virtual world.

The party was victorious! Upon questioning the survivors we learned they were on their way from an outlining farm of Fennelton when they were beset upon. Only the day prior Fennelton a pack of Zombies attacked Fennelton proper. And for several weeks prior to that, Fenelton has been harassed by Undead and Protohumans.

Travelers (MALE AND FEMALE): They ambushed us over a ridge.
Spandau: It is unfortunate you were attacked in a such a manner…. uhhh… I don’t know.. good day to you.
Big Jim: Sorry about your while family being killed… that sucks.
Travelers: Maybe you can bury our comrades. We have to leave.

How presumptuous! We did the eco-friendly thing and removed anything of value from the fallen travelers so they decompose faster.

Spandau’s henchman was bequeathed a small wooden shield and a long sword. Now he is the worst dancing sword ever.

I can’t wait to try selling that pike from Thalax. It has such a rich history. He walked up and got shot in the face with a crossbow.

The party made camp someplace further down the road as “all the blood, screaming and smoke will attract scavengers.” We found a place with a small rise on one side to nestle behind. Here we labelled Leonard of Acen and Big Jim are our “heavy hitters.” Seeker did a lot of damage and Confused Foreigner did alright.

Louis needs more icons of people with masks, because “it is such a light, airy campaign where heroism is rewarded.”

It was a delicate juggling act to break up the party between new guys, annoying guys, and Spandau not being paired with his pupil so he did not tell him to watch while Spandau went back to sleep.

Look Out Mr. Cliff Stronghold

The next morning we enter the very narrow entrance. As the owner is gone we used the 14′ pike to poke for traps ahead of us. Even though we did not uncover any traps, this was more useful than Thalax had been. Monitcore would not enter the cave, so we left him outside.

Scon was ushered to the front of the tight fitting line to listen at the door… nothing. Stupid suspense was building.

It is cool when I see something with my darkvision but the others cannot and I have to describe it.

Giant Spiders!

Big Jim and Scon blocked the doorway while a few others fired missile weapons from down the hall behind them.

Scon is hit, and poisoned. Apical moved up to hill the void as Scon stumbled back to clutch his twisting innards. Scon took more poison damage but will be paralyzed for 3 hours – lucky prick.

Apical shrugged of some poison, but Big Jim took some. The party managed to dispatch all 2 Giant Spiders, but had taken enough damage to make a short day of it. We headed back to the campsite to rest. Before we left Spandau elated his follower by skillfully extracting 1 poison gland. Back at camp we placed a stick in Scon’s mouth so he did not bite his tongue off or anything as we left him convulsing for the next 3 hours.