LIB 29 – The Throwback Campaign, Session 12: A Serious Lack of Intelligence on the Crop Front

Duration: 6:01

Last session ended with the questioning of Gomwell, the Dark Wizard. This sessions picked up immediately after, as Big Jim took a morale poll of the troops. Fair warning that this session had a lot of side (in-character) banter injected any any given time. For example, during the morale poll we stopped to discuss the definition of “real crusaders.” Which included a recruitment question of “Would you mind getting killed for Acen?”

We decided that Rob was to blame for everything this session since he missed last session.

There results of the morale poll were non too surprising since most returned with on 1 HP.

• Leonard of Acen – convinced experience will only make him stronger
• Filthy Brawler – wants to get paid so can get drink
• Sniveling Wayne – (burnt face – caught in web that was burnt by wizard) – he made a big deal of it – thinks he has earned the right to keep the leather armor we loaned him, but we only have 19 more
• Ornery Ex-Cooper – feels very good about himself, avoided injury, stoned several enemies, wants to experiment with other thrown weapons
• Nimble Ex-Drunk – take a week off and heal
• Quiet Burglar – very quiet and reserved
• Scon – fine, almost died
• Jernix – almost died, can’t wait to get back to shrine of the waiting – learn new secrets
• Sludge – left home to stare at potion – he is going out next

Spandau’s MBA told him to club anyone who we did not think was going to return, as they only have 1 HP

Once into the city, Scon again snuck away. It was here a friendly discussion erupted as to how nonchalant the party is about Scon’s spying. This became a continuous joke.

We headed to the Crusader’s camp to make our report to Lt. Jonas. On the way we considered feeling Lt. Jonas out for joining us or slipping him some silver for insider info/better missions. Though the better missions seem to involve getting slaughtered. It turned out Lt. Jonas is quite happy where he is, though he is a significant more amount of starch in his collar than last time. This may be Louis’s new interpretation.

Somewhere in here we discussed the skill of shift buffing?

Lt. Jonas informed us that now that Enki’s Crossing (no one has any idea who Enki is or which way he crossed) was cleared, in 5 days they would push through the expected “token resistance” before sending the burn teams through to destroy the proto-human’s crops. With intelligence, gathered through torture (“have you ever heard a Goblin sing after it has been waterboarded”) involving pulling out toenails and hitting them with a board, they expect only a few brigades of Hobgoblins. There is serious doubt that the proto-humans have any form of civilized government.

We inquired about the flow of crusade recruits. There were 19 new troops today, being issued their pitchforks now. When the Crusade first started they were getting 50-100 a day, but the healthy population has been tapped out.

It then was time to turn in our scalps to Will the Bounty Counter. Apparently coating your wagon with scalps is all the rage. This began the new zeal Big Jim has for hating the nobility. He immediately became so offended he is considering joining the other side.

Here was time to ham-fist another round of background/trivia into our gritty campaign, discussion the “rich history” of Vestibule.

Captains of Industry

Now we uncover the hidden cornerstone of economics…

• clubs are worthless
• hammer a rusty nail into club? only as valuable as the rusty nail
• sell clubs as lumber/lean-tos/firewood
• beat people up to take their lean-to – like the Merchant Watch does
• paint clubs with shelack to look more impressive?
• finally settle on selling as torches, but restrictive GM would not let us break in two to sell as two torches
• paint “free” rocks as thunder stones,flood the market by selling clubs as grounding rods
• clubs and staves are worthless, but torches are 1cp
• conclusion… sell our free clubs a torches

Having theorized this massive insight, we sold our shit. We discussed trying to pass off crude items as normal items, but merchants catch on to that right quick. So we settled upon using our usual tactic of selling Goblin-sized crude armor in the Slums for the children. Spandau put together some “Crusader Adventure Kits for Kids.” We marketed crude items as “proven.”

During the DAY, someone bought a torch, lit it, and strolled off. Shortly down the block smoke appeared, and later horses stampeded by.

We decided to upgrade our personal troops from loaned leather to loaned chain mail armor. However, they are still, mostly left with rocks.

The troopers were paid a bonus for the last “hunting” expedition, each being given 1sp instead of 3cp.

Having sold the last of the items we knew not to be magical, we headed home to rest. We needed to wait until the following day for Jernix to detect magic on a few items.

Home Again

Back at the clubhouse, or honeycomb hideout, as it has become known, Sludge reveled the shock of the night – the potion he has been staring at for days is in fact a healing potion.

Scon asked about the Dark Wizard (Gomwell), and we nonchalantly asked if his Keeper buddies wanted to know. Scon denied this and said he had to go pay his guild dues, but then just walked into the corner. Scon later tried to interrogate Gomwell, who kept of the ruse of being a brewer from Fennelton, so we put Gomwell in a bedroom until Scon left.

Wile discussing the map of the East, provided by Gomwell, theorizing that if we ever needed to pass ourselves off as whalers at the city in the South we could just carry one of our newly aquired harpoons. Also, we concluded that all whalers must be 12th level fighters.

We offered Gomwell the opportunity to join Acen’s Angels. A ripe proposal he is considering. He wants a full share, and was appalled at the thought of Scon getting a full share (“Don’t tell me that simpleton gets a full share?!” – Editor’s Note: This was almost the title.) However it ends up, we will leave Scon the Spy behind.

Gomwell informed us of the religions of the East…

• Martial Way – Acen favors the strong, physical pummel the weak
• Self-Actualized – each person to seize power for themselves, perversion of self-reliant
• Keepers – secrets

Here Big Jim made a remarkable ASSERTION. “Unlike other PCs Dan’s character actively attempts to figure out the plot.”

Big Jim’s second assertion, “This whole thing is fucked.” The real enemies are the Keepers.

We settled on a future plan of breaking into a Keeper temple, in the East, and steal their secrets.

Editor’s Note: I had to listen to the audio because I did not take quality notes during the session. When I heard the following conversation I sprayed tuna juice all over my desk (1:30)…

… the party was finishing a mean of roast pig and potatoes…

Big Jim: “Now are we going to sleep, or do you want to go fuck with thew neighbors?”
Louis: “You haven’t even recovered any of your hit points yet!”
Big Jim” “What are they going to do, they’re just peasants.”

This was particularly strange considering Big Jim’s growing hatred for the upper class shitting on the peasants, but apparently “fucking with them” is OK. We decided not to impale the neighbor’s door with the ubiquitous harpoon. However, as Sludge is only partially complete with out own latrine (it is not enclosed yet), Big Jim and Spandau wanted over to use the neighbor’s latrine. Big Jim kindly left a thank you note, on a harpoon, in their front door.

We contemplated convincing the neighbor’s their latrine was haunted and then serving as paranormal investigators.

Simply put, this whole session was a lot of tomfoolery.

Somewhere we picked up that in the past there were fewer paths of Acen. Only the Naturals, the Waiters, and the Keepers. The Self-Reliant and the Light-Bringers are newer faiths. Curious as to how the present, the past, and the East have different faiths, but the Keepers are ever present.

During Louis’s bio break I learned of Rob’s near completion of Radiologist training – proving beyond a shadow of a doubt Rob is playing Warhammer Fantasy in real life.

Negotiations

The next morning it was time to sell shit.

We visited our old pal, Rensil. Our relationship is OK. We have only mildly annoyed him.

There was a momentary break in immersion as Louis rescued Dee from s Stink Bug, no doubt an epic conflict. In explaining his battle, Louis said, “it gets in every orifice.” A superb opportunity for a mom joke lost

This was followed by another interruption as we discussed Dan’s hatred of DnD 3.5. The consensus is there are too many feats, etc. Stick to just the core books. Hmmm, maybe Essentials would have been good for us. This led to why Dan picked Castles and Crusades: rules light and throwback to old school gaming. And criticisms of Castles and Crusades: no skills in not a plus (OK for Skype game), actual written rules blow, classes as written suck and in no discernible order, no armor/equipment descriptions, NO SLEEVE TANGLER EVER! We settled with a new house rule: heavy crossbow fires 1/2 rounds.

Again, with the loophole of breaking FREE staves in half to sell as torches.

Editor’s Note: I wanted to pause for a moment to comment on how far we have evolved where Dan is the treasurer.

Apical backed up his appraisal with his experience of digging up occasional precious gems back on the turnip farm.

Another gaming first! We completed our first real negotiation. No swearing or insulting the shopkeeper’s family. This brought about a reminiscence of the dogged legal resolution to the warehouse story line early in the campaign.

Upon hearing the Noble Quarter wall was progressing, Big Jim erupted. Suggesting we pool our money, buy a nice place in the Noble Quarter, and “let it go to shit.”

We finally looked for a magic shop, finding Martin’s Magical Sundries (again with the sundries). We had to dart in when Spandau felt up the painted, female statues out front.

During conversations Martin told us the rumor that only seven Iron Golems have ever been constructed.

“Big jim Umbrage is a very judgmental individual.”

Sticks and Urine

Investigation now began on the “inventory tax.” We questioned Praveen of Praveen’s Leathery Goods.

Praveen: I mean what I said
Big Jim: What did you say? I wasn’t paying attention.

Now wanting to expose himself to added danger,Praveen suggested we open our own shop and see what happens. We opened a stall in the Merchant Square selling torches (sticks) and Spandau’s unguents (Bobcat urine). We followed the Watch as they busted up bum lean-to’s and stole the wood. While witnessing the vigor of the Watch de-housing the homeless, Big Jim contemplated emigrating. He is continually offended by the social order of Sengazia, and the lack of social justice. But he will steal their wood, and guard a public burning.

Editor’s Note: Listening to this point I cried laughing each time someone mentioned selling sticks and urine.

Our first customer was a shirtless man. He had been cold-cocked in the night, and woke up without a shirt. We theorized this was the oldest scam in the book: the used shirt/torch scam. Apical encouraged the man to be self-reliant in getting his shirt back.

Spandau gave a promo sample to a Dwarf woman, guaranteeing her beard would grow.

Next, an old woman tried to scam a free sample of gum oil from Spandau.

The neighbor’s stand tried to scare us into buying some of the cloth for fear of rain.

Spandau noticed two Dwarves eye-balling the stand.

The local watch paid us an introductory visit. We discussed the lucrative city torch contract.

We intentionally stayed open past eye close; speaking loudly of our massive profits.

Big Jim, spending his time lurking across the street from the shop, stole a couple slightly used clay chamber pots while looking quite suspicious.

Scon came to check up on us, nonchalantly, but would not tell us what HE was doing there. Big Jim became aggrersssive when Scon said he ws heading to the noble district.

A covered carriage with crossbowmen arrived to light the Merchant Square center torch, which we had already lit. This was a great disturbance, as the guards consulted the masked figure inside the carriage.

Big Jim: “Oh my god! It is a big fucking deal someone already lit the torch!”

We headed back home for the night, noting the many missing torches. the neighbor’s door harpoon was missing.

Heading back to the square at eye open we encountered a crowd. Claiming there had been a Undead Gargoyle attack. We ascertained, by the blood trail, someone has been dragged off – with their clothes on – as there was no skin bits. All of this was worked out with the enthusiastic help of Jernix, who told us of the Johnston traitor, caught trying to poison the city’s water supply for the East (80 years ago), hence he was dragged naked behind a wagon for 90 minutes. Jernix’s personal hobby is studying death, and he does not like liver. His story also spoke of infidels being sentenced to “half stack” or “full stack” burnings.

We hired Sniveling Wayne and Ornery Ex-Cooper to man the stick and urine stand until they get harnessed. We told them they could keep the profits. Dan, of all people, remarked how Rob was arguing over a few copper when Spandau protested. Ornery Ex-Cooper complained immediately about the missing roof.

Apical: “If it rains put the torches under your shirt.”

Again with this fucking fear of rain. Wayne and Cooper plan to squat under the table (they have to get that themselves) if it rains.

In My Underestimation…

We joined the observation team for the assault into Enki’s Crossing. The plan was to easily defeat the token resistance and send the “Burn Teams” through to eradicate the crops. They will stone any livestock.

Our forces consisted of about 400 “troops”; mostly peasants, some light infantry, and a unit of archers.

They first encountered 40 female Hobgoblins, and were assaulted by an uneven (being kind here) gaggle of peasants. Appearing out from behind the farming village came heavily armored Hobgoblins, Bugbears, and Ogres. Things quickly got worse as heavy cavalry rode into battle.

Lt. Jonas: “I’ve never heard of Hobgoblins riding heavy cavalry.”

When sir Harold was finally drawn into battle, Ogre Magi appeared and encased him with several frost blasts.

As legend foretold, crevasse and rifts opened up and spew forth Zombies.

The Crusade forces fled.

Aggressive Negotiations

We checked in with Sniveling Wayne and Ornery Ex-Cooper. They had been harassed by two Dwarves, one of which punched Wayne in the face and stole 3 torches.

Dwarf Hooligan: “Who owns your business?”
Ornery Ex-Cooper: “None of your business.”
Dwarf Hooligan: *punch Sniveling Wayne in eye*

They may have seen these Dwarves before. We thought they could be from the Protectors of Acen, but it seems likely they are from the Thieves Guild.

Dwarf Hooligan: “We will protect you for 2sp.”
Ornery Ex-Cooper: “Protect us from what?”
Dwarf Hooligan: *kicks over table*
Ornery Ex-Cooper: “Say no more.”

If they return Wayne/Cooper are instructed to send them to meet us at the Henricky (empty) lot across from the Clubhouse.

Aftermath

We met with Captain Ensiladas, Lady Allestra, and Jacobson (her personal mage).

Loses: 80% of cavalry, 3 Lords, 10 squires, assorted cavalry attendants, 5 horses, 80 light infantry, 70 archers, 280 peasants (but plenty more where they came from), 100 wounded

The Crusade is considering conscription to replenish itself.

We discussed a plan of us infiltrating the East to obtain information on a counter-attack, a secret passage to the East (*wink*), and anything else useful. We will negotiate with the Theive’s Guild for potions to disguise us as Goblins/Hobgoblins (1 potion lasts 1 day). We will make an initial trip to get a sample 1-2 potions from the Guild. If the potions can be verified we will go back to purchase more. If this is successful we can discuss next steps. Lady Allestra offered a handsome reward so we agreed. They will provide a guide to bring us to the Guild enclave.

Before leaving we pondered how the East could command the powers of Acen/Undead. Big Jm told them it was an Ancient Evil, and the Keepers must know, claiming the Keepers have brothers in the East. Big Jim tried to get the Crusade to beat the info out of some Keeper Acolytes. However the Keepers write lies in their secrets, which Lady Allestra somehow knew.

Conclusion: This was a massive clutter. The whole world has changed.

Spandau leveled up.